Digital Camcorder Makes ARN&R Look Subdued, Mature
Behold: Here. You may want to turn down your sound. And perhaps turn off your monitor. Heck, consider just going for a walk while it plays.
That is all.
--GP
Monday, December 03, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Life Again Has Meaning
Because Jack's back, baby, and State Showcase Fun Ron Paul Peckerwood Super Park or whatever is coming in a mere, oh, well, okay, it's never opening but holy crap it's good to have you back in full-on insane rambling mode, Jack! Tell us about Firehawk and Phoenix, Jack!
No, indeed, you can't.
--GP
Because Jack's back, baby, and State Showcase Fun Ron Paul Peckerwood Super Park or whatever is coming in a mere, oh, well, okay, it's never opening but holy crap it's good to have you back in full-on insane rambling mode, Jack! Tell us about Firehawk and Phoenix, Jack!
Tale of two coasters which were disassembled and reassembled.
Rocket/Phoenix coaster traveled over 1,700 miles to its destination which cost in total of $1,500,000.
Firehawk coaster traveled just 225 miles to its destination which should not cost any more than the same $1,500,000.
Kaivac1 that means that the cost of the Dora and Boots costumes must be $8,500,000.
I cannot make it any simpler!
No, indeed, you can't.
--GP
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Medical Community Battles Sudden Endemic Amongst Enthusiasts
Emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ’s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.
“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.” said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. “On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I’ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.”
As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. “The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.” said Petersen. “Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.”
Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.
“ARN&R’s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.” Petersen said. “The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they…ahem…‘got wood’ that simply would not subside.
“How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I’ll never understand. It’s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.”
Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated “Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!”
--CMV
Emergency rooms, doctor’s offices, and free clinics around the world are dealing with a massive outbreak of priapism this week, almost exclusively afflicting roller coaster enthusiasts. Priapism is a dangerous medical condition where the erect penis will not return to a flaccid state, which can result in permanent damage to the organ’s blood vessels, and in rare cases, gangrene.
“I’ve never seen anything like this in my entire career.” said Dr. Don Petersen, practicing physician at the Aldrovani Institute For Erectile Dysfunction. “On average, we may see two cases of priapism a year, but I’ve treated sixty-one in the past week alone. Needless to say, we were quite concerned.”
As the number of afflicted nationwide soared to over five thousand, researchers began investigating the cause of this disorder. “The proliferation of patch-covered denim jackets, along with a general dearth of basic bodily hygiene, made it apparent that the ailment was localized within the coaster enthusiast community.” said Petersen. “Unfortunately, none of the victims were able to verbalize what triggered the malady. To a man, their vocabulary had been reduced to a series of near-feral grunts and groans. Naturally, we turned to Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors for assistance.”
Working in conjunction with Petersen, ARN&R identified several potential causes, including the recent releases of Halo 3 and the Transformers DVD, or the news that Britney Spears is flashing her cooter in public again. But in the end, it was the bank of supercomputers located in the sublevels of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Towers that finally identified the common denominator.
“ARN&R’s computer system determined that all of the infirm had used their computers to access this press release from the Amusement Safety Organization.” Petersen said. “The offer contained in the release was apparently so enticing to most enthusiasts, they…ahem…‘got wood’ that simply would not subside.
“How anyone of even the slightest mental capacity could take that seriously I’ll never understand. It’s like the old saying goes, there is one born every minute.”
Leaving the Aldrovani Institute after several hours of painful arm, throat, and penile injections, one enthusiast who declined to be named (Rick Bognar of 1993 Walnut Road, Terre Haute, Indiana, Thrillnetwork display name: Bognar316) stated “Ge ougha ma wai! I goga sahn up fo da fee tip u Kang Duminun ang Dorne Pahk!”
--CMV
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Six Flags Finally Gets Priorities Straight
We’ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.
“This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.” said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. “This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.”
Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
“We have zero tolerance for these kinds of ‘mistakes’.” Gabbert said. “She’s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn’t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I’d say she got off easy.”
Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as “Jerry” and “Tim”. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to “mind his business” and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could “conveniently” appear near our feet at any time.
As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have “been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground”, and another states that Melendez “deserve(d) to die” for her hideous transgression.
--CMV
We’ve been assailed for months now about how Mark Shapiro and company are going to turn the Six Flags company around, and make it a safe and pleasant entertainment destination for families, children, and people of all ages. And nothing illustrated that more than an incident this week, where Great America employees ignored scores of line jumpers and bands of foul-mouthed teenagers to forcibly eject a patron who was smoking outside of a designated area.
“This is a great day, not only for Great America, but for the Six Flags chain as a whole.” said Brooke Gabbert, a public relations spokeswoman for the park. “This will send a strong message to anyone who mistakenly lights up in a non-designated area. We hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, and we will eject you from the park with no questions asked.”
Teri Melendez, the ejected patron in question, claims that she was never given the option to extinguish the cigarette or move to a designated smoking area. But according to Gabbert, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.
“We have zero tolerance for these kinds of ‘mistakes’.” Gabbert said. “She’s lucky that that our crack team of employees didn’t break her legs or rough her up a bit on the way to the parking lot. I’d say she got off easy.”
Gabbert, along with the entire workforce of the Gurnee, Illinois park, was present at a medal ceremony for the two employees in question, identified only as “Jerry” and “Tim”. When ARN&R asked who was actually manning the park at this time, Gabbert told our reporter to “mind his business” and insinuated that a crushed Marlboro Light could “conveniently” appear near our feet at any time.
As expected, the forums at the Great America fan site SFGAMWorld came out in full support of the company in this sycophantic thread, where one poster boasts to have “been known to take cigarettes out of people's hands in line for rides and put them out on the ground”, and another states that Melendez “deserve(d) to die” for her hideous transgression.
--CMV
Monday, September 10, 2007
Six Flags Stymied In Their Attempts To Rid Themselves Of Coasters
After nearly six years of complications, delays, and inordinate downtime, Six Flags is quietly making plans to rid themselves of their three Vekoma Deja Vu coasters. But ARN&R has learned of a snag in the park giant’s plans; Vekoma will not refund Six Flags’ money without the original sales receipt.
“It’s official company policy,” stated a Vekoma customer service representative who declined to be named. “We only accept returns for cash with a valid sales receipt. All returns without a receipt will be issued store credit, or the amount of value on a Vekoma Gift Card.”
And it appears that no amount of whining or cajoling on Six Flags’ part will alter Vekoma’s company policy. “Without a valid receipt, we have no way of knowing if the coaster was actually purchased from us,” the Vekoma rep went on to say. “It could very well be an Intamin product, or, heaven forbid, a Togo.”
“Of course it’s theirs!” responded a frothing mad Frank Kincaid, Six Flags’ Undersecretary of Finance. “The damn thing only worked for a few weeks at a time, who else’s could it have been?”
Kincaid admitted that he doesn’t have the receipt, despite looking “really hard” for it. He also acknowledged that it may have gotten lost under a massive pile of guest complaints about the chains’ Operation Spy Girl stunt show at Six Flags Great America.
--CMV
After nearly six years of complications, delays, and inordinate downtime, Six Flags is quietly making plans to rid themselves of their three Vekoma Deja Vu coasters. But ARN&R has learned of a snag in the park giant’s plans; Vekoma will not refund Six Flags’ money without the original sales receipt.
“It’s official company policy,” stated a Vekoma customer service representative who declined to be named. “We only accept returns for cash with a valid sales receipt. All returns without a receipt will be issued store credit, or the amount of value on a Vekoma Gift Card.”
And it appears that no amount of whining or cajoling on Six Flags’ part will alter Vekoma’s company policy. “Without a valid receipt, we have no way of knowing if the coaster was actually purchased from us,” the Vekoma rep went on to say. “It could very well be an Intamin product, or, heaven forbid, a Togo.”
“Of course it’s theirs!” responded a frothing mad Frank Kincaid, Six Flags’ Undersecretary of Finance. “The damn thing only worked for a few weeks at a time, who else’s could it have been?”
Kincaid admitted that he doesn’t have the receipt, despite looking “really hard” for it. He also acknowledged that it may have gotten lost under a massive pile of guest complaints about the chains’ Operation Spy Girl stunt show at Six Flags Great America.
--CMV
Friday, September 07, 2007
Reasons We Wish We Were Still Kinda Paying Attention
1. We would have pointed out that a lot of the reason for ACE's high profile location for "gravy buffet" is, well, us. Look down in the footer. That's been there for a looong time.
2 . We might know what this is about, because it sounds pretty funny.
3. We would have made more of the Wild West World collapse, though we're still rather fond of the headline we did do on it.
4. We could have had a reason to visit ThrillNetwork's boards far more often.
5. We could have wondered far more often and loudly about the disappearance of JL57.
But, alas, we're not still kinda paying attention. Tough break, that.
1. We would have pointed out that a lot of the reason for ACE's high profile location for "gravy buffet" is, well, us. Look down in the footer. That's been there for a looong time.
2 . We might know what this is about, because it sounds pretty funny.
3. We would have made more of the Wild West World collapse, though we're still rather fond of the headline we did do on it.
4. We could have had a reason to visit ThrillNetwork's boards far more often.
5. We could have wondered far more often and loudly about the disappearance of JL57.
But, alas, we're not still kinda paying attention. Tough break, that.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Cedar Fair's Expansion of PKI Parking Lot Vending Runs Into a Snag
Like all amusement park chains, Cedar Fair is always on the lookout for a new profit center, whether it's on-ride pictures, premium parking, or paid line-jumping. Earlier this season, they thought they had a sure winner at Kings Island, one that might even make up for the bad press related to the loop removal on Son of Beast: Heroin sales in the parking lot.
"It'd be perfect for calming patrons down before they come in," said park spokesman Roger Machina. "And you haven't seen our fireworks displays until you've seen them on crank. Or so I'm told. I certainly don't know." So the park started its new project, retrofitting a Dippin' Dots cart, now called the "Rolling Smack Shack." Business was good, until unfortunately a NASCAR truck racer was arrested for possession of illegal substances.
"Turns out it's illegal," said Machina, shaking his head. "We had no idea. And we had huge future plans, including a celebrity tie-in, where we were in talks with Courtney Love to make the cart 'Kurt Cobain's Rolling Smack Shack.'"
Plans to sell actual handguns at the "Shoot 'Em Up" midway game have also been put on hold.
--GP
Like all amusement park chains, Cedar Fair is always on the lookout for a new profit center, whether it's on-ride pictures, premium parking, or paid line-jumping. Earlier this season, they thought they had a sure winner at Kings Island, one that might even make up for the bad press related to the loop removal on Son of Beast: Heroin sales in the parking lot.
"It'd be perfect for calming patrons down before they come in," said park spokesman Roger Machina. "And you haven't seen our fireworks displays until you've seen them on crank. Or so I'm told. I certainly don't know." So the park started its new project, retrofitting a Dippin' Dots cart, now called the "Rolling Smack Shack." Business was good, until unfortunately a NASCAR truck racer was arrested for possession of illegal substances.
"Turns out it's illegal," said Machina, shaking his head. "We had no idea. And we had huge future plans, including a celebrity tie-in, where we were in talks with Courtney Love to make the cart 'Kurt Cobain's Rolling Smack Shack.'"
Plans to sell actual handguns at the "Shoot 'Em Up" midway game have also been put on hold.
--GP
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
More Details About Universal’s Wizarding World Of Harry Potter Emerge
The theme park world is abuzz with talk about Universal Orlando’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter, due to open at the Islands of Adventure park in 2009. So far, the public has only been made privy to conceptual drawings and basic information about the new themed land. ARN&R, however, has managed to glean more details about this new endeavor.
-To entertain them while standing in hours-long queues, visitors will be groped by characters dressed as Mundungus Fletcher.
-All lockers will be replaced with Vanishing Cabinets; guests may or may not see their belongings ever again.
-The main form of internal transportation through the land will be on the Knight Bus, a cramped vehicle that maneuvers at a high rate of speed seemingly without regard for safety of passengers and pedestrians alike. Universal will reportedly purchase the entire fleet of parking lot trams from Six Flags Magic Mountain for use as the Buses, as these vehicles would require little, if any, modification.
-Finally, each visitor will have the opportunity to gaze into the Mirror of Erised, a mystical device which shows the viewer his or her greatest desire. Undoubtedly, most visitors will see themselves at Walt Disney World, some sixteen miles down Interstate 4.
--CMV
The theme park world is abuzz with talk about Universal Orlando’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter, due to open at the Islands of Adventure park in 2009. So far, the public has only been made privy to conceptual drawings and basic information about the new themed land. ARN&R, however, has managed to glean more details about this new endeavor.
-To entertain them while standing in hours-long queues, visitors will be groped by characters dressed as Mundungus Fletcher.
-All lockers will be replaced with Vanishing Cabinets; guests may or may not see their belongings ever again.
-The main form of internal transportation through the land will be on the Knight Bus, a cramped vehicle that maneuvers at a high rate of speed seemingly without regard for safety of passengers and pedestrians alike. Universal will reportedly purchase the entire fleet of parking lot trams from Six Flags Magic Mountain for use as the Buses, as these vehicles would require little, if any, modification.
-Finally, each visitor will have the opportunity to gaze into the Mirror of Erised, a mystical device which shows the viewer his or her greatest desire. Undoubtedly, most visitors will see themselves at Walt Disney World, some sixteen miles down Interstate 4.
--CMV
Monday, June 25, 2007
A Serious Note
Our thoughts and best wishes go out to the victim of last week's unfortunate accident at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom and her family. We here at Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors hope for her full and complete recovery. Because of the tragic nature of this accident, we will abstain from any of the traditionally sardonic comments you've come to know and love.
Unless this is revealed to be a maintenance issue, in which case all of our guns will be blazing.
--CMV
Our thoughts and best wishes go out to the victim of last week's unfortunate accident at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom and her family. We here at Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors hope for her full and complete recovery. Because of the tragic nature of this accident, we will abstain from any of the traditionally sardonic comments you've come to know and love.
Unless this is revealed to be a maintenance issue, in which case all of our guns will be blazing.
--CMV
Monday, May 14, 2007
Breaking News About Hard Rock Park Coaster
In an ARN&R exclusive (must credit), sources have provided additional new details about the B&M coaster themed after legendary rock group Led Zeppelin.
While reports to date have identified the coaster as a traditional sit-down coaster, the trains will, according to high-level designers speaking anonymously, in fact have separate "Bonham rows." In the Bonham rows, patrons will ride in a prone position, facing downward with a large bucket directly below their heads. In addition, prior to boarding the trains, riders will be given four quadruple vodkas and a ham roll.
"This ride is all about getting the full Led Zeppelin experience," said one designer. "While we can't make one quarter of the patrons choke on their own vomit, we can give them something like the Bonham lifestyle."
--GP
In an ARN&R exclusive (must credit), sources have provided additional new details about the B&M coaster themed after legendary rock group Led Zeppelin.
While reports to date have identified the coaster as a traditional sit-down coaster, the trains will, according to high-level designers speaking anonymously, in fact have separate "Bonham rows." In the Bonham rows, patrons will ride in a prone position, facing downward with a large bucket directly below their heads. In addition, prior to boarding the trains, riders will be given four quadruple vodkas and a ham roll.
"This ride is all about getting the full Led Zeppelin experience," said one designer. "While we can't make one quarter of the patrons choke on their own vomit, we can give them something like the Bonham lifestyle."
--GP
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