Enthusiast Getting Really Tired of Childish Travelling Partners

William Goodwin, 35-year-old coaster enthusiast from Omaha, Nebraska, is really fed up with the immature antics of his travelling buddies, sources tell ARN&R. The other men, Dave Branson, Wayne Washington, and Paul Redford, are all in their mid-thirties, yet they persist in behavior that Goodwin deems "really stupid."

"I do love these dudes," said Goodwin. "I've known them for years and they've been good friends. But I just don't know that I can ever go on another trip with them. It's like having three bratty kids in the hotel room and the car. Actually, bratty kids would be better, because you can threaten to take away their sugary snacks, but these guys are bigger than me, so that kind of threat doesn't really work."

Goodwin catalogued a series of irritations he had been subjected to on his latest vacation with his coaster buddies, this one through Indiana, Kentucky, and Ohio. "The farting contests got old real quick. And that thing where they hold out their hand in this particular shape, and then if you look at it you get punched? Yeah, that was fun once...in second grade. And it's just flat out gross the way they scam on those high school girls running the coasters. Oh, and the in-car food fights are also a small problem, seeing as I prefer not to have my nice pants and white dress shirts coated in grease and ketchup most of the time. Oh! And they always think it's cute to rearrange all the pictures and furniture in the hotel room! Augh!"

The final straw seemed to come with the way his friends "have to be immature about every sign or ride name they ever see." Says Goodwin, "they are incapable of calling Cornball Express by its real name. They always have to call it 'Cornhole Express.' And signs for 'Parking in Rear' are always enough to get them cackling. The worst was when we passed a sign for some recreation area called 'Big Bone Lick' between Louisville and Cincinatti. I have no idea what's so funny about that name, but they almost had a seizure when they saw it. I guess being mature is a little more difficult for some than for others."

Goodwin concluded by stating that he would continue to spend some time with his friends, but they would have to "giggle unceasingly about 'the Whizzer' and 'ThrustAir' without [him]."

--JCK

Eric Roberts signs on to Best of the Beast

Alex Grady is back - or will be in the summer of 2005. ARN&R has exclusive information that Paramount pictures has signed Eric Roberts to do a third installment of the Showtime staple Best of the Best series, this one set in Paramount's Kings Island theme park.

Roberts, a known coaster enthusiast who made his mark in the film industry with hits such as Star 80 and The Coca Cola Kid, had a minor straight-to-cable hit with the martial-arts themed movies Best of the Best I and II. "I was riding Son of Beast when inspiration struck me on the mid-course brake run: 'this is the best of the beast' - a few phone calls later we were in pre-production for the most XTreme summer blockbuster of 2005!"

Paramount pictures promises the same martial-arts thrills as I & II, and also guarantees that Eric Roberts will cry in at least one scene to keep up the tradition of his performances in BotB I & II.

"We are just thankful that we will have a new movie to worship instead of that piece of crap Rollercoaster." said an anonymous ACE member. "I'm tired of kissing Timothy Bottoms's ass to get him to come to our events." Calls to ACE to see when enthusiasts could get ERT by attending the filming went unanswered.

-MMS

Lake Placid Event Surprises and Thrills ACE Members

According to the New England Dispatch, the regional newsletter for the New England members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the Great Escape park in "Lake Placid," New York will likely host an event this summer. While somewhat surprising, since there are no coasters in Lake Placid and the only current Great Escape park is in Lake George, the news has been warmly greeted by members of the coaster organization.

"This is gonna rock," said Bert Feelyhands, 24. "I bet we get [exclusive ride time] on some of those cool Winter Olympics things like the luge run and some ski slopes and maybe we can even show off our ice dancing moves. I wonder how much it'll cost to get all the snow and ice going in the 95-degree weather though. Well, heck on a stick, that ain't my concern. That's why we've got event planners."

Feelyhands added that he hopes Lake Placid is installing a secret coaster that only the New England region knows about. "That would explain why we'd have an event at a place with no apparent coasters, right?"

A few party poopers failed to experience wonderment and amazement at the announcement of the possible event. Says Douglas Tallywacker, 50, "isn't Lake Placid where the giant crocodile was chasing around Bridget Fonda and that crap actor who played the President in Independence Day [Ed. note: Bill Pullman]? I'm sure not going to any Getting Eaten Alive by Giant Crocodile ERT."

According to reliable sources, ACE regional events will also be taking place in Calgary, Alberta; Park City, Utah; Albertville, France; Lillehammer, Norway; and Nagano, Japan in the near future.

--JCK

Britney Spears Admits: “I Rode Timberwolf”

For years, pop slut…er, princess…Britney Spears has insisted that, despite her whorish onstage and video shenanigans, she is a virgin who intends to remain unsullied until her wedding day. Although many in the media refused to take Spears’s claims that she had, in her words, “not been deflowerized,” we at ARN&R were willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Now, however, Spears has spilled the news: she has ridden throbbing piles of wood, and ridden those throbbing piles of wood long and hard.

In the pages of W magazine, Spears finally admitted the full extent of her sexual relationship with the woodie Timberwolf, located at Worlds of Fun. “I loved riding that woodie,” Spears said. "I have only ridden one long, rough woodie, and it was Timberwolf. I only did that because I thought it was ‘the one.’ Of course, after reading amusement park reviews online at Coasterglobe and Thrillride and Coasterbuzz, I now am aware that Timberwolf is not only not ‘the one,’ it’s more like ‘the three hundredth.’ But I was a young, chaste Catholic schoolgirl, so what did I know?”

Spears told reporters that she would not have divulged any of this information about her sordid life, but Timberwolf had gone on TV with Barbara Walters to make fun of her for throwing her hands in the air and shrieking while riding its thunderously powerful mass of pressurized pine, then moaning contentedly as the afterglow of a long, violent ride subsided and she pulled into the station.

"The most painful thing I've ever experienced was my breakup with Timberwolf," Spears says in W. "We were together so long and I had this vision. You think you're going to spend the rest of your life together. Where I come from, the woman is the homemaker, and that's how I was brought up--you cook for your kids. But now I realize I need my single time. There are other greased, slick rails I need to slide down, more thick slabs of wood I need to bounce up and down on, and far more airtime to experience. Maybe I should even try one of those sexy steel monsters I keep hearing about.”

Reports that “sexy steel monster” Colin Farrell had been providing Spears with “some SLC-level headbanging” the last few nights were not immediately confirmed.

--JCK

Six Flags Great America Builds Parking Lot on Top of Roller Coaster

In a never-ending quest to boost attendance at their theme parks by installing top-rate thrill rides and attractions, the Six Flags Corporation has added an exhilarating new parking lot on top of the existing Déjà vu roller coaster at Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois.

Jim Wintrode, vice-president and general manager of Six Flags Great America chatted with ARN&R reporters recently about this fantastic new addition to Great America.

"At Six Flags, we understand how important it is to listen to our guests," stated Wintrode. "Our extensive consumer research has indicated to us that Americans were ready for a new level of thrills at theme parks. They were looking for something bigger, better and ten times more exciting. We teamed up with Vekoma International, who did all of the phenomenal work on Déjà Vu, and asked them how we could take the thrill factor to the next level. Their response, build a bigger, better beautiful new parking lot. So, that's exactly what we did."

Due to a lack of space for expansion at Six Flags Great America, the new parking lot could not be built without sacrificing another attraction elsewhere in the park. Great America made the bold decision to build the lot right on top of one of their existing roller coasters.

"We chose to construct the coaster on top of our Déjà Vu roller coaster. We had a dozen or so coasters, so what if we lost one, especially Déjà Vu. Who would even notice?" asked Wintrode. "Besides, we didn't even have to tear down the coaster to install the new parking lot. We just built the lot right on top of the coaster. You see, our extensive consumer research has also indicated to us that the average theme park guest doesn't particularly care about the theming of eye-popping new parking lots, especially parking lots as impressive as this one. So, no one is going to care whether or not there is an old, defective rusting roller coaster right smack in the middle of this fancy new thrill lot, I assure you."

Great America's new parking lot opened to the public and to rave reviews on June 12th, 2003. The lot features 750 compact and mid-size parking spaces. Each space is outlined in a dazzling metallic white spray on paint. The lot itself is a deep shade of black asphalt and has metallic yellow borders spray-painted along all four of its outermost edges.

"She's a real beauty," Wintrode attests. "Our guests are lining up in droves for a chance to experience this parking lot. They just cannot get enough of it. Attendance [at Six Flags Great America] is up six percent so far this season, and I'm sure it will only get better as the word-of-mouth gets out. In addition, Six Flags Over Georgia and Six Flags Magic Mountain have reportedly been whining and begging for Vekoma to build nice new parking lots on top of their worthless Déjà Vu clones, as well.

--JWS

CPO Makes A Bid For Universal's Theme Park Division

The Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has submitted a proposal to purchase the Universal Studios Theme Parks Division from Paris-based Vivendi Universal. The CPO hopes to acquire the parks to be used, in part, for their aggressive North American coaster relocation project.

Lee Coaster, Webmaster in charge of Web site and North Carolina Operations for the CPO, said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, "The Universal parks aren't exactly in North Carolina or Indiana, but we, like, totally want them anyways. Besides, we'll be old enough to drive in a few years and then we'll be able to go to the parks and get started on the relocation projects. In the meantime, we will close the parks except for behind the scenes tours when the temperature outside goes below freezing."

All seven members of the CPO pooled their financial resources and managed to come up with $12.43. Their official offer to Vivendi, written in black crayon on the back of a used Six Flags Great America napkin, was for $11.99 in cash plus free lifetime memberships to the Coaster Preservation Organization for all Vivendi employees.

"We really think the free CPO memberships will be the clincher," said Lee Coaster. "We had to save some of our money for the bargaining. You know, for when they counter our offer. That's why we threw in the free CPO memberships."

The CPO is fairly confident that Vivendi will accept their offer because, as Lee Coaster put it, "If they don't, we'll just sue them until they do."

--JWS

Government: CoasterBuzz/ThrillNetwork Dispute Officially Least Interesting Fight in History

The obscure but well-funded governmental agency tasked with evaluating the level of interestingness of all fights among geeky internet communities declared today that the ongoing dispute between CoasterBuzz enthusiasts and ThrillNetwork enthusiasts is officially the least interesting dispute of all time.

"From the relatively petty beginnings of the dispute and the stupidity of the original ThrillNetwork harvesting of e-mail addresses (and its associated apparent inability to admit that that was what happened) to the bizarre decision not to close the discussion after eleven neverending pages of discussion at CoasterBuzz and the utter unwillingness of anyone at that site to take 'Sorry' for an answer, this easily takes the cake for lamest possible argument," said Sean Potter, undersecretary of public affairs for the Division of Evaluation and Determination of Boringness of Geeky Internet People (part of the Department of Veterans Affairs, oddly enough).

Under a new Bush administration policy, the determination means that both sites will be the target of a preemptive strike with "small" nuclear weapons.

Corrections

ARN&R willingly and fawningly corrects factual errors and inappropriate remarks made by its staff in print. If you believe you have discovered an error on our website, do not hesitate to contact us at the link to the left.

Recently, that fu*king idiot broad who rode the Boulderdash ride at Lake Compounce while holding an unfinished cup of bright red beverage, then raised her hands in the air for the whole ride with the cup in hand, spraying two members of the AbsolutelyReliable Writing Staff with a fine red mist, was referred to as "a sorry-ass piece of white trash so stupid there do not exist words in the English mother tongue to fully describe how stupid she is." Actually, we meant to say that she was "the dumbest, most inconsiderate fu*king bitch in the history of the planet." We regret this error.

ARN&R ran an article in which Michael Bolton's singing was conpared unfavorably to a ride on the widely loathed Hercules roller coaster. We at ARN&R love Michael Bolton and would never intentionally imply that he sucks our asses raw. We're Michael Bolton fans. For our money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."

A recent article disparaged some pasty white insulated cracker-ass people on rec.roller-coaster who always feel the need in their trip reports to make casually racist statements about how a park is ghetto or scary because they....ooooh... saw a black family there or something. Our writer called these pasty cracker-asses "writhing backassward racist pieces of shit losers." Naturally, ARN&R fully supports the freedom of speech of really stupid bigoted creeps on web groups. The offending author who made these terrible derogatory remarks toward these racists has been fired and is being savagely raped by rabid marmots as you read this.

Finally, we recently made an error where we said that Mean Streak should be torn to the ground and ripped into pieces to form three real wood coasters. We apologize for this callous statement; careful analysis has indicated that there is enough wood from the Mean Streak demolition to form four real wood coasters.

New Avril Lavigne Single Explodes on Charts

Hailed by critics nationwide as the "finest brainless teeny-bop music single released this week involving amusement park equipment," Avril Lavigne's new smash hit "Sky Sk8er Boi" has rocketed up the charts since its release a few days ago. The song, which desribes a "cool" girl and her love affair with a filthy, unwashed skateboarding junior high dropout who does part-time work cleaning up the ride queues of flat rides at Vancouver Playland, has been certified gold after a mere four days, making it a comparable smash to such modern classics as "Complicated" and "Sk8er Boi," a song Lavigne says is "like uh totally different and stuff from uh you know the other song what's it called."

Lavigne described the plot of the song for ARN&R. "Uh, you know, uh, I thought it would be you know, stuff, like this guy who works a ride, like the ones people puke on, and he has to clean up the trash uh and vomit um and stuff, but the cool chick loves him or something anyway."

Without any provocation, Lavigne then decided to crack funny for ARN&R, adding that "I was born to rock, I was born to roll. Rock 'n' roll. I see myself as a rock chick and when they refer to me as a pop chick I'm like 'NOOOOO!!!"

Says Sherwood Wise, president of Interactive Rides, Inc., maker of the Sky Sk8er thrill attraction, "We're pleased to have this kind of publicity for our fine product. I note, however, that Vancouver Playland does not own any of our ride service amusement product devices. Perhaps it would be to the benefit of Ms. Lavigne, Playland, and our company if they were to buy one of our Sky Sk8ters. That's synergy, baby!"

In related news, VH1 has just named the new hit as one of the elite songs in history, as it has been included in the new VH1 100 Greatest Musical Compositions of the Last 2,113.345 Years, to air July 4th. Some music critics questioned whether "Sky Sk8er Boi" was more deserving than other major works left off the list, including such important compositions as Louie Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World," the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again," the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and the Bach B Minor Mass, but VH1 vigorously defended its position.

"Those are all good songs," said Vice President of Bullshit Countdown Shows Monty Smithers, "but we feel Avril's work is the pinnacle of Western Civilization, full of thought and beauty and usefulness. Also, she had the best tits."

--JCK

Study: No One Cares About Coaster Club's Motto

The Florida Coaster Club (FLCC) has been going strong since 1998 and wants everyone to know that they "Ride All Year." However, recent studies indicate that no one cares. "I don't understand it," said club president Patrick Grozen. "Our shirts, our hats, even our bumper stickers say 'We Ride All Year.' But, barely anyone seems to pay attention to the fact that we live in a part of the country that has roller coasters open year-round."

After a careful study conducted by ARN&R personnel it is apparent that no one, be they enthusiast or not, cares what the FLCC does. "It was pretty apparent that everyone we talked to, from the typical unkempt, undersexed enthusiast to the 1% that are socially versatile, gave two shits about the FLCC members' riding habits," said Tim Teemer, ARN&R's head of statistical research. "The results went even lower once we included the general public in our poll. Apparently none of them understand who rides all year, or even where they do it. One of our respondents even suggested that they change their slogan to 'We suck all year,' but I didn't think that I should let club members know that factoid."

Retiree Adam Tosh felt more people should know about the quality coastering you can do in the Sunshine state during the dreaded "off season." After taking a long hit from his oxygen bottle Tosh said, "Down here I'm in the land of bridge, 4:00 dinner specials and year-round coastering. It doesn't get much better than that."

The club's teen sect showed hostility to the pollsters once the results were revealed at the FLCC's annual "Touch MeKraken" event at Sea World. "If you don't think riding Old Town's Dragon Wagon twenty times during a rain storm in February is hard core, you're insane," said 17 year-old Todd Johnson.

Grozen said that the club is currently working on a public relations campaign to make sure that people understand the benefits of riding all year. "How anyone can consider marathoning on the Starliner unimportant is beyond me. But, we are working to make sure that every coaster nut out there understands just how much better we are than them because of our riding opportunities." They hope to have a slogan chosen by IAAPA so they can show convention-goers how superior their coasting lifestyle is. "I know the people from B&M, Intamin, S&S and other companies really care about how often we ride their coasters," Grozen concluded.

--FMB