Hersheypark to Build World's Fastest Hydraulic Elevator
Hersheypark amusement park, in world famous Hershey, Pennsylvania, announced yesterday at high-noon that something big and exciting would be coming to central Pennsylvania's largest thrill park in the year 2004. The announcement came along with an announcement that its launched coaster plans had been cancelled due to "a really slow year of sales at the roasted nuts booth."
"We're absolutely thrilled about our newest, currently unnamed attraction for the 2004 season," said a Hersheypark public relations official. "Our planning and development department keeps up on all the latest trends and new technologies. Of course when we heard about the latest thrill ride technology, hydraulics, we were overjoyed. We knew that we would want to be among the first to install one of Intamin's exciting hydraulic beasts so we set to work on a concept for an amazingly fun and amazingly reliable ride."
Hersheypark noted a few days before the announcement that their new thrill ride would be a "third of a kind" attraction. "Of course the first two installiations of Intamin's hydraulic technology are Xcelerator at Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park, California and Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, but we wanted something to really push the envelope," quipped Hersheypark's vice president of planning and development. "We wanted to thrill the socks off of our guests, hopefully increasing sock sales in our gift shops, and what we came up with was a super-high capacity thrill machine that we've codenamed "2004 Attraction."
He continued: "'2004 Attraction,' whose name will be chosen by park guests at our website, will defy gravity in not one, but two totally opposite directions! Not only will '2004 Attraction' move up, but it will also move down! It's going to be the most amazing and extreme thing anybody has ever seen!"
Yesterday at noon the park unveiled its monstrosity. Citing inspiration gained on a trip to Walt Disney World's Disney/MGM Studios and taking a spin on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror and going for a ride in the Hershey public library's elevator to the basement, the park's P&D department, in conjunction with Herbert Schmeck and the crew at Intamin, designed the world's fastest and highest hydraulic elevator.
Hydraulic elevators, known for their lack of speed and limited height due to the deep shafts that must be bored into the ground for the car's support tubes, are often used in small commercial buildings such as office complexes, libraries, and some hospitals.
Sandor Kernacs, President of Intamin AG, had this to say about "2004 Attraction":
"We at Intamin were faced with several challenges. First, traditional hydraulic elevators cannot normally service beyond five stories due to the deep shafts that must be dug for the equipment. Second, they cannot normally travel at speeds beyond 2 km/h because of the hydraulic mechanisms that are employed. For '2004 Attraction' we were able to, after much thinking, double both of those figures. Our new hydraulic elevator will stretch ten stories and travel at speeds of up to 4 km/h! All of this with a minimal support structure that will admittedly have to be modified after a year of operation."
The marketing department at Hersheypark encourages all Hersheypark guests to vote on the name of their new ride at www.hersheypark.com. The three name choices are "Rent-a-guy," "Elevator Stampede," and "Storm Walker." Voting ends August 15th.
--WCT
Monday, August 11, 2003
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Coaster Enthusiasts Lower Expectations, Find Love at IOA
In a daring move to perk up sluggish attendance, Universal Studios Islands of Adventure theme park in Orlando, Florida has announced a new dating service targeted at coaster enthusiasts.
“The ‘Single Riders’ lines at our top attractions are primarily for anyone who wishes to ride alone,” said Herschel Goodbody, Director of Public Relations. “But, since the predominant number of people who visit our parks alone are lonely, Croakie-wearing enthusiasts, we thought we’d try to entice them with the idea that they could make new friends and even find love in the single riders line.”
To launch the new program, ACE and Coasterbuzz members were enticed with ERT on Dueling Dragons. The attendees were given brochures written by Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III with tips on making a good first impression and how to not drool during a conversation. The 250 men and 5 women also filled out questionnaires rating their top 5 coasters (wooden and steel),which was provided to ride operators to facilitate matchmaking. Orlando dating service Lowered Expectations™ provided complimentary on-ride photos so that the attendees could prove to their friends they had ridden next to a member of the opposite sex.
Later that day, two coaster enthusiasts, Jeanne “CPGoddess3454” Strudelkopf and Marty “IOAlover546” Greenblatz, found each other in the Single Riders line for IOA’s Hulk roller coaster. “We immediately connected – Marty was wearing a shirt from my home park, Knoebels.” said Strudelkopf. “It turns out we live in the same state!” The two exchanged IM screen names and planned to continue seeing each other by connecting via the Coasterbuzz meetup calendar. What Jeanne doesn’t know is that there will be a surprise from Marty on their next visit to IOA. “I plan to propose to Jeanne, and want to do it at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. I’m not sure if I’ll pop the question on Fire or Ice, but wherever I decide, I hope she says yes!”
--MMS/CSB
In a daring move to perk up sluggish attendance, Universal Studios Islands of Adventure theme park in Orlando, Florida has announced a new dating service targeted at coaster enthusiasts.
“The ‘Single Riders’ lines at our top attractions are primarily for anyone who wishes to ride alone,” said Herschel Goodbody, Director of Public Relations. “But, since the predominant number of people who visit our parks alone are lonely, Croakie-wearing enthusiasts, we thought we’d try to entice them with the idea that they could make new friends and even find love in the single riders line.”
To launch the new program, ACE and Coasterbuzz members were enticed with ERT on Dueling Dragons. The attendees were given brochures written by Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III with tips on making a good first impression and how to not drool during a conversation. The 250 men and 5 women also filled out questionnaires rating their top 5 coasters (wooden and steel),which was provided to ride operators to facilitate matchmaking. Orlando dating service Lowered Expectations™ provided complimentary on-ride photos so that the attendees could prove to their friends they had ridden next to a member of the opposite sex.
Later that day, two coaster enthusiasts, Jeanne “CPGoddess3454” Strudelkopf and Marty “IOAlover546” Greenblatz, found each other in the Single Riders line for IOA’s Hulk roller coaster. “We immediately connected – Marty was wearing a shirt from my home park, Knoebels.” said Strudelkopf. “It turns out we live in the same state!” The two exchanged IM screen names and planned to continue seeing each other by connecting via the Coasterbuzz meetup calendar. What Jeanne doesn’t know is that there will be a surprise from Marty on their next visit to IOA. “I plan to propose to Jeanne, and want to do it at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. I’m not sure if I’ll pop the question on Fire or Ice, but wherever I decide, I hope she says yes!”
--MMS/CSB
Friday, August 08, 2003
Gravity Group Announces Opening of Check Cashing Store
After keeping the amusement industry waiting impatiently to hear its next big announcement, wooden coaster design firm The Gravity Group finally broke the silence and set October 1, 2003, as the hoped-for grand opening of its check-cashing franchise "Cash Now."
The store, to be located somewhere in suburban Cincinnati, will feature an array of financial and non-financial services centered on the franchise chain's famous "payday loan."
"We're thrilled to be able to provide check cashing services to whatever section of Cincinnati we end up in," said Michael Graham, one of the company's coaster designers and second-shift cashier. "We'll provide outstanding check cashing and other services, just like we provide great coaster maintenance and services to all of our clients...er, our one client, anyway."
When asked about the seeming disconnect between check cashing and coaster design, Graham professed confusion and said that "they're so closely connected it's not even worth talking about."
In related news, inside sources at the company insist that you did not see them applying for jobs at Pizza Hut.
After keeping the amusement industry waiting impatiently to hear its next big announcement, wooden coaster design firm The Gravity Group finally broke the silence and set October 1, 2003, as the hoped-for grand opening of its check-cashing franchise "Cash Now."
The store, to be located somewhere in suburban Cincinnati, will feature an array of financial and non-financial services centered on the franchise chain's famous "payday loan."
"We're thrilled to be able to provide check cashing services to whatever section of Cincinnati we end up in," said Michael Graham, one of the company's coaster designers and second-shift cashier. "We'll provide outstanding check cashing and other services, just like we provide great coaster maintenance and services to all of our clients...er, our one client, anyway."
When asked about the seeming disconnect between check cashing and coaster design, Graham professed confusion and said that "they're so closely connected it's not even worth talking about."
In related news, inside sources at the company insist that you did not see them applying for jobs at Pizza Hut.
Six Flags Stock Price Leaps on News of Talks with Ninth-Graders
Six Flags's ailing stock price had a boost yesterday on news that the company was discussing "strategic opportunities" with a ninth-grade course focused on allowance management. Most analysts believe that these talks encompassed far more than a simple partnership, instead contemplating a takeover of the park chain by the Oklahoma City area youths.
"This is terrific news for stockholders," said analyst John Terry. "The kids will definitely know how to run these parks far better than Gary Story and his ilk."
Austin Zalgo, one of the students, acted as the class's spokesman. "We're planning on making all of the coasters faster! And add loops to all of them! And we'll sell alcohol to everyone, whether or not they have an I.D.! And we'll get rid of all that crap for little kids and sell no drinks besides Mountain Dew." Zalgo added that the class had raised approximately $450 by selling candy bars; analyst Terry indicated that he felt that amount represented "a more than fair price" for the park chain.
Most industry analysts, while mildly skeptical of the class's plans, indicated a strong belief that those plans would be far superior to the bizarre strategy followed by current Six Flags management. They also expressed hopes for rumors of strategic talks with the Mob, the producers of Home Improvement, or former Enron executives.
Six Flags's ailing stock price had a boost yesterday on news that the company was discussing "strategic opportunities" with a ninth-grade course focused on allowance management. Most analysts believe that these talks encompassed far more than a simple partnership, instead contemplating a takeover of the park chain by the Oklahoma City area youths.
"This is terrific news for stockholders," said analyst John Terry. "The kids will definitely know how to run these parks far better than Gary Story and his ilk."
Austin Zalgo, one of the students, acted as the class's spokesman. "We're planning on making all of the coasters faster! And add loops to all of them! And we'll sell alcohol to everyone, whether or not they have an I.D.! And we'll get rid of all that crap for little kids and sell no drinks besides Mountain Dew." Zalgo added that the class had raised approximately $450 by selling candy bars; analyst Terry indicated that he felt that amount represented "a more than fair price" for the park chain.
Most industry analysts, while mildly skeptical of the class's plans, indicated a strong belief that those plans would be far superior to the bizarre strategy followed by current Six Flags management. They also expressed hopes for rumors of strategic talks with the Mob, the producers of Home Improvement, or former Enron executives.
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Coming Soon: Six Flags Love Canal
In an unusual move, Six Flags Inc., which has a reputation for buying underperforming properties and seeking to turn them around, has signed a purchase and sale agreement for approximately 124 acres in Love Canal in New York. The site is renowned world wide as the recipient of the first Superfund, the largest federal hazardous waste cleanup in history.
"This purchase represents a significant step forward for our neighborhood," said Marcy Turcotte, a long time resident. "We bought our house here knowing that there was nowhere to go but up. I mean, living on a toxic waste dump was a good financial move but there really was nothing to do around here. Now we'll have Six Flags. I think they'll fit right in."
A representative from Six Flags, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said this would be a challenge for the chain. "Unlike most parks we've purchased, this one is just a plot of land. So this will be our first property built from the ground up. But we're confident we've got a hit with Love Canal. It's a name with high recognition. We think it will dovetail nicely with the Six Flags brand. The site, right next to Niagara Falls, is a prime tourist area."
In 1978, Love Canal gained notoriety when toxic waste from years of dumping in the 3000-foot-long canal began surfacing in residents' backyards. The government proclaimed the area habitable after ten years of clean-up. Six Flags plans to incorporate a water park in the canal itself.
"There are some great ideas on the drawing boards," the representative said. "As with our other properties, we really want to focus on the local identity." Among the thrill rides being considered is a suspended looping roller coaster by Vekoma themed to Spiderman. "Spiderman is a great tie-in, since Peter Parker was a victim of radiation poisoning," the representative continued. Other attractions will include an interactive simulation ride through a nuclear reactor that melts down and a stunt show based upon the popular comic book character Toxic Avenger. If approved by local councils, Six Flags hopes to have the park ready for the 30th anniversary of the Love Canal incident.
Six Flags Inc. currently owns two other properties in the state: The Great Escape in Lake George and Six Flags Darien Lake in Darien Center. When asked whether three Six Flags parks within a few hours drive of each other were too much, the representative responded, "You can never have too much Six Flags."
--JRD
In an unusual move, Six Flags Inc., which has a reputation for buying underperforming properties and seeking to turn them around, has signed a purchase and sale agreement for approximately 124 acres in Love Canal in New York. The site is renowned world wide as the recipient of the first Superfund, the largest federal hazardous waste cleanup in history.
"This purchase represents a significant step forward for our neighborhood," said Marcy Turcotte, a long time resident. "We bought our house here knowing that there was nowhere to go but up. I mean, living on a toxic waste dump was a good financial move but there really was nothing to do around here. Now we'll have Six Flags. I think they'll fit right in."
A representative from Six Flags, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said this would be a challenge for the chain. "Unlike most parks we've purchased, this one is just a plot of land. So this will be our first property built from the ground up. But we're confident we've got a hit with Love Canal. It's a name with high recognition. We think it will dovetail nicely with the Six Flags brand. The site, right next to Niagara Falls, is a prime tourist area."
In 1978, Love Canal gained notoriety when toxic waste from years of dumping in the 3000-foot-long canal began surfacing in residents' backyards. The government proclaimed the area habitable after ten years of clean-up. Six Flags plans to incorporate a water park in the canal itself.
"There are some great ideas on the drawing boards," the representative said. "As with our other properties, we really want to focus on the local identity." Among the thrill rides being considered is a suspended looping roller coaster by Vekoma themed to Spiderman. "Spiderman is a great tie-in, since Peter Parker was a victim of radiation poisoning," the representative continued. Other attractions will include an interactive simulation ride through a nuclear reactor that melts down and a stunt show based upon the popular comic book character Toxic Avenger. If approved by local councils, Six Flags hopes to have the park ready for the 30th anniversary of the Love Canal incident.
Six Flags Inc. currently owns two other properties in the state: The Great Escape in Lake George and Six Flags Darien Lake in Darien Center. When asked whether three Six Flags parks within a few hours drive of each other were too much, the representative responded, "You can never have too much Six Flags."
--JRD
Kennywood Announces Updates For Older Attractions
Exciting news from Kennywood Amusement Park reached ARN&R tonight, as the legendary venue announced a series of extensive refurbishments and updates to what the upper management refers to as “those boring, stupid, crappy old rides that suck ass and stuff.”
The first ride to be reworked is the Old Mill, which is beloved by longtime park visitors and amusement park buffs for being one of the last remaining “tunnel of love” boat attractions left in the world. Standing since 1902 and featuring a nostalgic and extensive boat ride past numerous scenes, the historically important attraction was deemed by management to be “completely dorky, and in need of some radical theming.” The ride is slated to become Garfield and Odie 3D, featuring what a park manager refers to as “reasonably historically accurate scenes representing Garfield and Odie eating, defecating, and starring in unwatchable television specials.” A park insider tells ARN&R that the attraction will produce “a sensory overload.”
Aside from the visual and audio stimulation provided by animatronics and projected 3D film segments, the other senses of the passengers will also be assailed. Says the inside source, “The ride will feature three separate sections where mountains of cat dander and hair will be blown into passengers at 50 miles per hour. The smell of cat spraint will be overpowering. And several random boats per hour will have a very angry stray tomcat thrown onto a passenger’s head, so the riders will know what it would be like to be ripped limb from limb by Garfield if they were to piss him off.”
The Garfield and Odie 3D ride is only the first of the “old, stupid, worthless Kennywood rides” to be re-imagined, stated a park rep. Other rides to be spruced up include the Jack Rabbit, which will be torn to the ground and given an exciting, all-new steel structure that allows for loops and tight turns, an upgrade reportedly to be provided by French designer Soquet. The Thunderbolt will have its boring, dumb tracer lights, classic trains, and unique logo removed, since they are historical and therefore idiotic. The entire structure will run with Morgan trains and the structure will be painted puce and teal, with paisley highlights. And finally, the rare Turtle attraction will have LIMs attached so that riders no longer have to experience nostalgia in a gentle, fun, undulating manner, but instead will feel it in their spleens as they rocket in tight circles at 80 miles per hour.
“History sucks balls,” said the rep. “Marketing kicks ass!”
--JCK
Exciting news from Kennywood Amusement Park reached ARN&R tonight, as the legendary venue announced a series of extensive refurbishments and updates to what the upper management refers to as “those boring, stupid, crappy old rides that suck ass and stuff.”
The first ride to be reworked is the Old Mill, which is beloved by longtime park visitors and amusement park buffs for being one of the last remaining “tunnel of love” boat attractions left in the world. Standing since 1902 and featuring a nostalgic and extensive boat ride past numerous scenes, the historically important attraction was deemed by management to be “completely dorky, and in need of some radical theming.” The ride is slated to become Garfield and Odie 3D, featuring what a park manager refers to as “reasonably historically accurate scenes representing Garfield and Odie eating, defecating, and starring in unwatchable television specials.” A park insider tells ARN&R that the attraction will produce “a sensory overload.”
Aside from the visual and audio stimulation provided by animatronics and projected 3D film segments, the other senses of the passengers will also be assailed. Says the inside source, “The ride will feature three separate sections where mountains of cat dander and hair will be blown into passengers at 50 miles per hour. The smell of cat spraint will be overpowering. And several random boats per hour will have a very angry stray tomcat thrown onto a passenger’s head, so the riders will know what it would be like to be ripped limb from limb by Garfield if they were to piss him off.”
The Garfield and Odie 3D ride is only the first of the “old, stupid, worthless Kennywood rides” to be re-imagined, stated a park rep. Other rides to be spruced up include the Jack Rabbit, which will be torn to the ground and given an exciting, all-new steel structure that allows for loops and tight turns, an upgrade reportedly to be provided by French designer Soquet. The Thunderbolt will have its boring, dumb tracer lights, classic trains, and unique logo removed, since they are historical and therefore idiotic. The entire structure will run with Morgan trains and the structure will be painted puce and teal, with paisley highlights. And finally, the rare Turtle attraction will have LIMs attached so that riders no longer have to experience nostalgia in a gentle, fun, undulating manner, but instead will feel it in their spleens as they rocket in tight circles at 80 miles per hour.
“History sucks balls,” said the rep. “Marketing kicks ass!”
--JCK
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Queer Eye For The Straight Guy "Gives Up" On ACE Member
The taping of a recent episode of Bravo TV's new series, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, was halted after the five stars of the hit show decided unanimously that there was just no possible way that they could make their most recent straight guy appear attractive or seem even remotely interesting.
The episode was to feature ACE member Lance Fargun getting a makeover by the Fab Five while everyone discussed the latest and greatest new roller coasters and other amusement park happenings around the country. As a promotional tie-in, the group was also scheduled to make a post-makeover appearance at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. Those plans have been scrapped as well.
The cast and crew realized as soon as they met Lance that they had quite a challenge ahead of them. After all, how easy could it be to make a hirsute, 310-pound, smelly, balding, Star Trek obsessed, coke bottle glasses wearing, roller coaster loving, freak of a geek seem at all interesting, much less look attractive? Confident in their abilities though, the Fab Five bravely move forward in their quest to reinvent Lance Fargun.
Taping had just barely begun when the cast and crew of the show started to realize their mammoth mistake. Fashion savant, Carson Kressley, was the first to express dismay at the situation. "There is just no @#$%-ing way that I can make you look trendy, hip and fashionable in a ratty old armpit-stained, moth-eaten Cedar Point Millennium Force t-shirt and a @#$%-ing scummy old jean jacket with ridiculously hideous roller coaster patches stuck all over it," Carson was overheard shrieking at Lance. "And, for the tenth, eleventh and twelfth time, NO, NO, NO, you do not look sexy in an official ACE club muumuu either," Carson continued.
Grooming Guru, Kyan Douglas did not have it any easier. After spending twenty minutes trying to guess which part of Lance's body each revolting odor was emanating from, thirty minutes filing the fungus off of Lance's toenails and two hours shaving the hair from Lance's back, ears, nose, toes and buttocks, a physically and emotionally drained Kyan fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position and sobbed hysterically until his coworkers carried him off of the set.
Food and wine connoisseur, Ted Allen made one final unsuccessful endeavor to salvage the taping by attempting to educate Lance on fine food preparation and choosing the right wines to go with the right foods. However, after listening to Lance rant on and on incessantly about how "any meal without gravy, deep-fried Twinkies or at least something fried in hog lard" couldn't possibly be worth eating and how "Thunderbird is the best wine ever, and it already goes with everything", Ted realized that the five makeover mavens were in way over their heads with this project. The Fab Five quickly convinced the rest of the crew that it was time to pull the plug on this particular lifestyle conversion.
Lance was not the least bit taken aback by the whole turn of events and, if fact, was quite relieved to see the show leave. "At first, I thought it would be fun, and I hoped that maybe being on TV would help me score with some chicks. But, after that fruity design guy tried to tell me that it was time to take apart my K'nex roller coasters and put them away and when he suggested that maybe I shouldn't be wallpapering my apartment with amusement park brochures and souvenir photos of me riding roller coasters and eating churros at Six Flags Magic Mountain, I knew that these guys didn't really have a clue about anything," said Lance.
When ARN&R reporters asked Bravo TV if the show might consider replacing Lance with another, less disgusting ACE member for a future production, the show's producers responded by noting that their exhaustive interview and audition process had already eliminated every other member of ACE and that Lance was, in fact, the least repulsive member of ACE that the show could find. The show also held several unsuccessful auditions with members of fellow coaster enthusiast group, The Coaster Zombies, before abandoning the idea completely.
--JWS
The taping of a recent episode of Bravo TV's new series, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, was halted after the five stars of the hit show decided unanimously that there was just no possible way that they could make their most recent straight guy appear attractive or seem even remotely interesting.
The episode was to feature ACE member Lance Fargun getting a makeover by the Fab Five while everyone discussed the latest and greatest new roller coasters and other amusement park happenings around the country. As a promotional tie-in, the group was also scheduled to make a post-makeover appearance at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. Those plans have been scrapped as well.
The cast and crew realized as soon as they met Lance that they had quite a challenge ahead of them. After all, how easy could it be to make a hirsute, 310-pound, smelly, balding, Star Trek obsessed, coke bottle glasses wearing, roller coaster loving, freak of a geek seem at all interesting, much less look attractive? Confident in their abilities though, the Fab Five bravely move forward in their quest to reinvent Lance Fargun.
Taping had just barely begun when the cast and crew of the show started to realize their mammoth mistake. Fashion savant, Carson Kressley, was the first to express dismay at the situation. "There is just no @#$%-ing way that I can make you look trendy, hip and fashionable in a ratty old armpit-stained, moth-eaten Cedar Point Millennium Force t-shirt and a @#$%-ing scummy old jean jacket with ridiculously hideous roller coaster patches stuck all over it," Carson was overheard shrieking at Lance. "And, for the tenth, eleventh and twelfth time, NO, NO, NO, you do not look sexy in an official ACE club muumuu either," Carson continued.
Grooming Guru, Kyan Douglas did not have it any easier. After spending twenty minutes trying to guess which part of Lance's body each revolting odor was emanating from, thirty minutes filing the fungus off of Lance's toenails and two hours shaving the hair from Lance's back, ears, nose, toes and buttocks, a physically and emotionally drained Kyan fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position and sobbed hysterically until his coworkers carried him off of the set.
Food and wine connoisseur, Ted Allen made one final unsuccessful endeavor to salvage the taping by attempting to educate Lance on fine food preparation and choosing the right wines to go with the right foods. However, after listening to Lance rant on and on incessantly about how "any meal without gravy, deep-fried Twinkies or at least something fried in hog lard" couldn't possibly be worth eating and how "Thunderbird is the best wine ever, and it already goes with everything", Ted realized that the five makeover mavens were in way over their heads with this project. The Fab Five quickly convinced the rest of the crew that it was time to pull the plug on this particular lifestyle conversion.
Lance was not the least bit taken aback by the whole turn of events and, if fact, was quite relieved to see the show leave. "At first, I thought it would be fun, and I hoped that maybe being on TV would help me score with some chicks. But, after that fruity design guy tried to tell me that it was time to take apart my K'nex roller coasters and put them away and when he suggested that maybe I shouldn't be wallpapering my apartment with amusement park brochures and souvenir photos of me riding roller coasters and eating churros at Six Flags Magic Mountain, I knew that these guys didn't really have a clue about anything," said Lance.
When ARN&R reporters asked Bravo TV if the show might consider replacing Lance with another, less disgusting ACE member for a future production, the show's producers responded by noting that their exhaustive interview and audition process had already eliminated every other member of ACE and that Lance was, in fact, the least repulsive member of ACE that the show could find. The show also held several unsuccessful auditions with members of fellow coaster enthusiast group, The Coaster Zombies, before abandoning the idea completely.
--JWS
Monday, August 04, 2003
Golden Opportunity Wasted
Virulent despisers of ARN&R made a tremendous error Sunday, sources tell ARN&R. Apparently, the Editor-in-Chief and a longtime writer and occasional assistant editor for the blog were both viewed enjoying the rides at Six Flags New England this Sunday, yet no apparent attempts on their life were made.
“It seemed unwise for us to be seen together at a public venue, particularly an amusement park where we might be recognized by ACE and Coasterbuzz lunatics intent on ending our snippy and sarcastic ways,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “However, we bravely went forward into the pit of terror that is Six Flags New England without any bodyguards or fully automatic armaments.”
“We’re just f&$king studs to show balls like that,” added the mildly inebriated JCK. “Considering all that hate mail and the random death threats we receive, we could’ve cowered in shame, wetting our pants, but instead we hung out together and acted like coaster tools for the day. Take that, bee-yatches!”
Haters of the site are apparently livid. “Aw, crap. How did we miss sending an assassination squad after them?” asked ACE Happy Special Benevolent Friend for Life Carole Sanderson. “I’d love to work that burr out of my ass. Another time, ARN&R scum, another time….” She then cackled shrilly.
“Thouse assholes beign too stuopid I hate thems why we not findig them to get ride if?” read a statement from lawyers representing the Coaster Preservation Club and Gordon Beeferman.
Inside sources report that the sources may or may not appear together at amusement parks sometime in September. The wet work squads of the American Coaster Enthusiasts and the CPC are said to be in intense training in the case that this information proves to be true.
--JCK
Virulent despisers of ARN&R made a tremendous error Sunday, sources tell ARN&R. Apparently, the Editor-in-Chief and a longtime writer and occasional assistant editor for the blog were both viewed enjoying the rides at Six Flags New England this Sunday, yet no apparent attempts on their life were made.
“It seemed unwise for us to be seen together at a public venue, particularly an amusement park where we might be recognized by ACE and Coasterbuzz lunatics intent on ending our snippy and sarcastic ways,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “However, we bravely went forward into the pit of terror that is Six Flags New England without any bodyguards or fully automatic armaments.”
“We’re just f&$king studs to show balls like that,” added the mildly inebriated JCK. “Considering all that hate mail and the random death threats we receive, we could’ve cowered in shame, wetting our pants, but instead we hung out together and acted like coaster tools for the day. Take that, bee-yatches!”
Haters of the site are apparently livid. “Aw, crap. How did we miss sending an assassination squad after them?” asked ACE Happy Special Benevolent Friend for Life Carole Sanderson. “I’d love to work that burr out of my ass. Another time, ARN&R scum, another time….” She then cackled shrilly.
“Thouse assholes beign too stuopid I hate thems why we not findig them to get ride if?” read a statement from lawyers representing the Coaster Preservation Club and Gordon Beeferman.
Inside sources report that the sources may or may not appear together at amusement parks sometime in September. The wet work squads of the American Coaster Enthusiasts and the CPC are said to be in intense training in the case that this information proves to be true.
--JCK
Friday, August 01, 2003
Impromptu ERT Surprises, Confuses
Coaster Enthusiasts visiting Six Flags Great America this week got an unexpected ERT session on the child-sized Spacely Sprockets roller coaster.
"It was great – a group of us decided to go on for the credit, and when we pulled into the station the ride op gave us a big smile and let us go again," said Cyril J. Dogwood, known to his fellow Coasterbuzz members as "GAmTool32543." "The kids in line with their parents didn’t even look upset – they all smiled and waved at us! ACErs are finally getting the respect we deserve from the GP!"
Ride Operator Sandy Von Mincherhousen was confused when she learned that the group of men, all aged 26-35, were coaster enthusiasts. "They were all wearing safety glasses and fanny packs, and boarding the Sprockets in a big group. I suspected they were visiting from Misericordia Home, since our park does so much work with the mentally challenged. When they pulled back into the station, they were all high-fiving each other and one was even drooling a little –- I checked with some of the parents waiting with their kids and they all decided to let the ‘special’ guests get a second ride."
Miss Von Mincherhousen stands by her decision that the riders had some kind of disorder. "I watched enough of that Life Goes On show to know 'em when I see 'em."
-MMS/CSB
Coaster Enthusiasts visiting Six Flags Great America this week got an unexpected ERT session on the child-sized Spacely Sprockets roller coaster.
"It was great – a group of us decided to go on for the credit, and when we pulled into the station the ride op gave us a big smile and let us go again," said Cyril J. Dogwood, known to his fellow Coasterbuzz members as "GAmTool32543." "The kids in line with their parents didn’t even look upset – they all smiled and waved at us! ACErs are finally getting the respect we deserve from the GP!"
Ride Operator Sandy Von Mincherhousen was confused when she learned that the group of men, all aged 26-35, were coaster enthusiasts. "They were all wearing safety glasses and fanny packs, and boarding the Sprockets in a big group. I suspected they were visiting from Misericordia Home, since our park does so much work with the mentally challenged. When they pulled back into the station, they were all high-fiving each other and one was even drooling a little –- I checked with some of the parents waiting with their kids and they all decided to let the ‘special’ guests get a second ride."
Miss Von Mincherhousen stands by her decision that the riders had some kind of disorder. "I watched enough of that Life Goes On show to know 'em when I see 'em."
-MMS/CSB
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Hersheypark Announces New-for-2004 Attraction: Pony Ride
Following months, and perhaps even years, of speculation, Hersheypark appears ready to announce its new-for-2004 attraction. Although many felt that a new B&M Hypercoaster might be a possibility, later rumors and the proposed footprint seemed to indicate an Intamin Rocket Coaster. Still, no word was forthcoming until the park posted large banners indicating: “Get Ready To Start the Stampede, Something big’s coming to Hersheypark in 2004. Round up your 'pardners' - the secret’s out August 5th at High Noon.”
“That really had us excited,” said ACE member Geoff Baker, 25. “We thought a stampede theme would fit well in the existing area of the park, and the footers seemed to indicate a Rocket ride was likely. We’re just waiting for the official announcement, but we all know what the thing is, and we couldn’t be more pleased.”
Surprising Baker and pretty much every other person remotely interested in Hersheypark or roller coasters in general, it was learned today that the park would indeed not be receiving any Intamin products. Nor, for that matter, would any coaster at all be forthcoming. Instead, the park released a statement through Screamscape to this effect: “There’s a cloud of dust on the Horizon, and when it settles there’s gonna be 10 wild horses in the corral!”
At a press conference later in the day, former VP of Operations Franklin Shearer was trotted out to lend his excitement to the official announcement, and to explain the Screamscape blurb. “We’ve got a real thrill for all you cowboys and cowgirls next year,” he exclaimed. “Get ready to experience the extreme terror and thrills of a real live…Pony Ride!”
Confused enthusiasts initially thought Shearer meant to make a joke, but it turned out to be completely factual. According to the park, guests will wait in a “highly themed atmosphere” while in line, then individual riders will be led into the pony corral. From there, “the Rodeo Technicians will help the rider mount a pony, which will then be led around in a few circles inside the pen, achieving top speeds of over 4 miles per hour.” Guests will then have a wide variety of gift shop products available to commemorate their once-in-lifetime thrill experience: cowboy hats (“management not responsible for the loss of headgear not secured before riding”), T-shirts, onboard ride photos, and cruel leather whips.
Shearer noted that a big launched coaster would be out of place at a family-friendly ride environment such as Hershey’s, and that a fun attraction for the entire family made more sense for everyone involved. He also pointed out that “ponies break down a lot less than Top Thrill Dragster.”
ACE members are already complaining about capacity, with some wondering aloud at the press conference whether 10 of the animals would be enough to keep the potentially huge lines moving. One member pointedly asked Shearer whether there would be any Fifth-Row Ponies made available for “Guests of Larger Than Average Size,” to which Shearer replied that “someone would look into it at some point.”
--JCK
Following months, and perhaps even years, of speculation, Hersheypark appears ready to announce its new-for-2004 attraction. Although many felt that a new B&M Hypercoaster might be a possibility, later rumors and the proposed footprint seemed to indicate an Intamin Rocket Coaster. Still, no word was forthcoming until the park posted large banners indicating: “Get Ready To Start the Stampede, Something big’s coming to Hersheypark in 2004. Round up your 'pardners' - the secret’s out August 5th at High Noon.”
“That really had us excited,” said ACE member Geoff Baker, 25. “We thought a stampede theme would fit well in the existing area of the park, and the footers seemed to indicate a Rocket ride was likely. We’re just waiting for the official announcement, but we all know what the thing is, and we couldn’t be more pleased.”
Surprising Baker and pretty much every other person remotely interested in Hersheypark or roller coasters in general, it was learned today that the park would indeed not be receiving any Intamin products. Nor, for that matter, would any coaster at all be forthcoming. Instead, the park released a statement through Screamscape to this effect: “There’s a cloud of dust on the Horizon, and when it settles there’s gonna be 10 wild horses in the corral!”
At a press conference later in the day, former VP of Operations Franklin Shearer was trotted out to lend his excitement to the official announcement, and to explain the Screamscape blurb. “We’ve got a real thrill for all you cowboys and cowgirls next year,” he exclaimed. “Get ready to experience the extreme terror and thrills of a real live…Pony Ride!”
Confused enthusiasts initially thought Shearer meant to make a joke, but it turned out to be completely factual. According to the park, guests will wait in a “highly themed atmosphere” while in line, then individual riders will be led into the pony corral. From there, “the Rodeo Technicians will help the rider mount a pony, which will then be led around in a few circles inside the pen, achieving top speeds of over 4 miles per hour.” Guests will then have a wide variety of gift shop products available to commemorate their once-in-lifetime thrill experience: cowboy hats (“management not responsible for the loss of headgear not secured before riding”), T-shirts, onboard ride photos, and cruel leather whips.
Shearer noted that a big launched coaster would be out of place at a family-friendly ride environment such as Hershey’s, and that a fun attraction for the entire family made more sense for everyone involved. He also pointed out that “ponies break down a lot less than Top Thrill Dragster.”
ACE members are already complaining about capacity, with some wondering aloud at the press conference whether 10 of the animals would be enough to keep the potentially huge lines moving. One member pointedly asked Shearer whether there would be any Fifth-Row Ponies made available for “Guests of Larger Than Average Size,” to which Shearer replied that “someone would look into it at some point.”
--JCK
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