Meet Up With Other Tools
It's not every day that you get a chance to rip into someone who advertises on certain coaster-related sites. But this rare and special opportunity comes to us by way of an ad that frequently appears on hypothetical coaster sites that use Google ads. Please have a look at our new Site O' the Weak, Roller Coasters Meetup, or, better yet, go visit them by clicking on any ad you happen to see for the meetup. In this way, you can support Google ad-supported sites while providing the valuable public service of helping others point and laugh at a really dorky website. Everyone wins!
If you're having trouble finding other coaster tools (which is surprising, since they always manage to find you and follow you around at any park you go to anyway), be sure to check out the list of members. Sadly, there are no photo pages yet. But don't forget to use those messageboards! If you didn't feel like those exciting conversations about deep-fry batter or which ride op you most enjoy pissing off by poaching seats and demanding rerides were fully explored at your last Coaster Meetup, then you can waste even more time posting follow-up comments.
Congratulations, Roller Coasters Meetup! May you long continue to earn money for entirely hypothetical coaster sites while we make fun of you.
--JCK
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
The New Fashion Season Arrives
Yes, that's right, ARN&R has new t-shirts. Share your considered and expert views with the world!
Not willing to go that far? How about this?
Order now and the drones at Cafe Press will presumably get them to you in plenty of time for PPP, CoasterMania, and so on. No promises as to whether these shirts comply with park policies, of course, but if that prick we saw a few weeks ago was allowed to wear a Confederate flag shirt at SFNE, we sure think this should be allowed in.
And there's still more, all over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe.
Yes, that's right, ARN&R has new t-shirts. Share your considered and expert views with the world!
Not willing to go that far? How about this?
Order now and the drones at Cafe Press will presumably get them to you in plenty of time for PPP, CoasterMania, and so on. No promises as to whether these shirts comply with park policies, of course, but if that prick we saw a few weeks ago was allowed to wear a Confederate flag shirt at SFNE, we sure think this should be allowed in.
And there's still more, all over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe.
Ridge Fails to Amend Patriot Act to Ban Flyer-Snapping
Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.
Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."
But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.
Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.
-–MMS/JCK/CSB
And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.
Elysburg, PA: The latest attempt to curb the freedom of American Coaster and Flat Ride Enthusiasts has been successfully thwarted. Title X, Sec. 1017 of the Patriot Act, by which no sails could be legally whipped, was voted down by the House of Representatives after a massive grass roots protest started by the online enthusiast community.
Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and former Governor of Pennsylvania, introduced the amendment after witnessing enthusiasts breaking the beloved flyers at Knoebel’s Groves in October 2003. "It is un-American to want to desecrate this symbol of freedom," said Ridge on C-SPAN23. "I will not sleep until the Patriot Act can protect these fragile instruments of our patriotism. Indeed, if enthusiasts are permitted to snap, then the terrorists will have won."
But Ridge was premature in his confidence that the amendment was a shoo-in, since early warning signs that the flyers would soon become un-snappable created a groundswell of heartfelt if sort of stupid enthusiast internet activity. CoasterBuzz, Thrillnetwork, ACEOnline, and Shoewee banded together to spread the word, and enthusiasts quickly began to Google, then e-mail, their Representatives to oppose this amendment, resulting in dozens of confused House staffers asking each other just what the hell these freaks are complaining about.
Our latest reports from the field indicate that the wings of the flyers have not been clipped as of yet. There has been no comment from the Office of Homeland Security since the amendment was rejected.
-–MMS/JCK/CSB
And one to grow on: Folks, to learn more about the Patriot Act and how it is affecting you as a US Citizen, visit the American Library Association.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Enthusiast Not Nearly as Pathetic as Friends Tell Him
Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.
"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."
Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."
"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."
Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.
"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"
Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.
Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.
--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)
Coaster Enthusiast Chi Williams, 32, recently discovered that he is not nearly as pathetic as everyone tells him. Though his obsession with roller coasters has prevented him from learning how interact with others, engage in basic human sanitation, or avoid wearing his shorts pulled up past his nipples, Williams recently uncovered encouraging online evidence that there are many people who are far more pitiful and prone to receiving wedgies.
"Despite inability to converse about anything besides coasters, my sharing useless opinions about coasters with strangers in line who are trying to avoid me, and my nine hours per day spent posting to coaster message boards, I am amazingly attractive and cool," said Williams. "Relatively speaking, anyway."
Williams first directed ARN&R to a website for chain mail fetishists. "It's hard for me to believe my friends think I'm so lame when you look at Lord Randolph's Bristol Renaissance Festival pictorial. I look like Brad Pitt compared to those people! And I may never be able to have sex again...well, ever...after seeing the picture of the guy in the chain mail groin shroud."
"Those people are really stupid, too," noted the enthusiast. "Why are they calling it a Renaissance Festival and wearing armor? That should only be in a Medieval festival. They're in the wrong damn time period."
Williams then suddenly realized the room had gotten very quiet, and he nervously coughed.
"Anyway, there are even more ridiculous people out there than mere coaster enthusiasts," he continued. "Like, have you ever seen the people at Balticon? Man, I especially love the Manic Depressive, the Purple Wench, and the Operatic Courtesan. I don't even know what the hell this conference was, but I'm sure glad I blundered across its website so I can prove to everyone I know just how little of a tool I actually am!"
Finally, Williams proved once and for all that his utter fascination with coasters did not mark him as the most pathetic person in the world, as he called up the website for Knight Con 2004, a massive convention to celebrate all things Knight Rider. As the befuddled ARN&R staff perused the Knight Con's astounding list of activities, including a Miss Knight Contest, a Michael Knight Lookalike Contest, Knight Rider Star Autograph Sessions, Knight Rider Fanfic Awards, and, presumably, a chance to rub scented oils and unguents into David Hasselhoff's back hair, Williams contentedly smiled and pushed his duct taped-glass back into position.
Williams's friends are currently reviewing the evidence to determine if they are willing to alter their stance that Williams is the world's most complete dork.
--JCK (with research by FMB and the Grand Poobah)
Swift Boat Veterans Also Pretty Sure SFMM Is Cheating On Coaster Count
Adding to their controversial claims regarding John Kerry's service in Vietnam, "non-partisan" group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth today denounced Six Flags Magic Mountain for fraudulently inflating its coaster count. Specifically, the veterans' group contends that Superman: The Escape should not be counted as a roller coaster in the park's efforts to claim records.
"I know Six Flags is claiming Superman as a coaster, because I was there," says Jerome Corsi of the group in an advertisement being shown in swing states. "I was there on vacation. Last year. And that's no coaster."
Roy Hoffman, another member, declared, "Six Flags Magic Mountain is not fit to be a flagship park in this coaster chain, because it's lying about Superman. I was there, I saw it, and it doesn't do anything besides going up and then down again. Total one-trick pony. Plus, Flashback never runs so you shouldn't count that."
"Taer it down," he added in a written statement.
Adding to their controversial claims regarding John Kerry's service in Vietnam, "non-partisan" group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth today denounced Six Flags Magic Mountain for fraudulently inflating its coaster count. Specifically, the veterans' group contends that Superman: The Escape should not be counted as a roller coaster in the park's efforts to claim records.
"I know Six Flags is claiming Superman as a coaster, because I was there," says Jerome Corsi of the group in an advertisement being shown in swing states. "I was there on vacation. Last year. And that's no coaster."
Roy Hoffman, another member, declared, "Six Flags Magic Mountain is not fit to be a flagship park in this coaster chain, because it's lying about Superman. I was there, I saw it, and it doesn't do anything besides going up and then down again. Total one-trick pony. Plus, Flashback never runs so you shouldn't count that."
"Taer it down," he added in a written statement.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Steeplechase Coaster Undergoes Makeover
Blackpool Pleasure Beach announced today that it will be giving a temporary makeover to its Steeplechase roller coaster, as the park seeks to capitalize on the Olympic spirit sweeping the planet during the current Athens Games. The revamp of the ride will only be for the remainder of the current season.
Currently, passengers at Blackpool ride "bareback" on individual horse-themed cars that provide a surprisingly peppy ride. But the temporary retheming will provide riders with a vastly different experience from the current brisk three-track racer. Indeed, the Steeplechase will now be called Equestrian Challenge: Xtreme Dressage.
After mounting their horses, riders will be treated to an exciting experience where they must make their "horse" dance gaily about and gallivant back and forth in markedly silly and unathletic fashion. The riders, say park reps, will definitely not need to worry about breaking a sweat, but those whose ride vehicles make the most prissy maneuvers on the course will receive medals.
Park reps also note that the Steeplechase ride will come to a complete stop midway through the ride. At this point NBC beach volleyball commentator Karch Kiraly will appear in person to reprise his astonishing Olympic comments such as "she loves to gobble those balls up" and "usually you can't go down like that, but the Czechs are slow."
Blackpool officials refused to comment on what the reasoning behind Kiraly's surrealistic presence on Xtreme Dressage could possibly be.
--JCK
Blackpool Pleasure Beach announced today that it will be giving a temporary makeover to its Steeplechase roller coaster, as the park seeks to capitalize on the Olympic spirit sweeping the planet during the current Athens Games. The revamp of the ride will only be for the remainder of the current season.
Currently, passengers at Blackpool ride "bareback" on individual horse-themed cars that provide a surprisingly peppy ride. But the temporary retheming will provide riders with a vastly different experience from the current brisk three-track racer. Indeed, the Steeplechase will now be called Equestrian Challenge: Xtreme Dressage.
After mounting their horses, riders will be treated to an exciting experience where they must make their "horse" dance gaily about and gallivant back and forth in markedly silly and unathletic fashion. The riders, say park reps, will definitely not need to worry about breaking a sweat, but those whose ride vehicles make the most prissy maneuvers on the course will receive medals.
Park reps also note that the Steeplechase ride will come to a complete stop midway through the ride. At this point NBC beach volleyball commentator Karch Kiraly will appear in person to reprise his astonishing Olympic comments such as "she loves to gobble those balls up" and "usually you can't go down like that, but the Czechs are slow."
Blackpool officials refused to comment on what the reasoning behind Kiraly's surrealistic presence on Xtreme Dressage could possibly be.
--JCK
Friday, August 20, 2004
Enthusiast Questions Commitment
Veteran enthusiast Jeff Maltos was left questioning his commitment to roller coasters and other amusement park fare after recently returning from an almost 2-week vacation, which involved no coaster rides whatsoever.
Maltos realized his failings near the end of the trip when he passed an amusement park on the way to his hotel. "I mean I saw the roller coasters gleaming there in the sun, heck I even saw some people on a train heading up the hill I was so close, but I didn’t pester my travel partners to stop so I could partake. And these was a Boomerang and an SLC I’d never ridden before, so I missed out on the credits..." at this point his voice trailed off and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"I just don’t know how I can live with myself anymore," a dejected Mr. Maltos croaked. "I’m deathly afraid to show my face at any coaster club events after such a shameful deed! You sure you aren’t gonna let no one know my real name, right?" he demanded before continuing. (His name has been modified for this story.)
When asked if he was merely being considerate of his fellow travelers by electing to not force them to waste time at an amusement park when there were plenty of other unique activities to be undertaken, he quickly went on the defensive, "Well, what could possibly be more unique than riding a new coaster in a new city; even if it is the same basic ride as elsewhere? I just don’t know what I was thinking." After repeatedly flagellating himself, he curled into the fetal position and wept for several minutes before finally recovering, and emphatically stating: "Never again will I allow myself to pass an opportunity to ride, I promise you that! I just hope none of my enthusiast friends recognizes the guilt in my eyes."
--SM
Veteran enthusiast Jeff Maltos was left questioning his commitment to roller coasters and other amusement park fare after recently returning from an almost 2-week vacation, which involved no coaster rides whatsoever.
Maltos realized his failings near the end of the trip when he passed an amusement park on the way to his hotel. "I mean I saw the roller coasters gleaming there in the sun, heck I even saw some people on a train heading up the hill I was so close, but I didn’t pester my travel partners to stop so I could partake. And these was a Boomerang and an SLC I’d never ridden before, so I missed out on the credits..." at this point his voice trailed off and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
"I just don’t know how I can live with myself anymore," a dejected Mr. Maltos croaked. "I’m deathly afraid to show my face at any coaster club events after such a shameful deed! You sure you aren’t gonna let no one know my real name, right?" he demanded before continuing. (His name has been modified for this story.)
When asked if he was merely being considerate of his fellow travelers by electing to not force them to waste time at an amusement park when there were plenty of other unique activities to be undertaken, he quickly went on the defensive, "Well, what could possibly be more unique than riding a new coaster in a new city; even if it is the same basic ride as elsewhere? I just don’t know what I was thinking." After repeatedly flagellating himself, he curled into the fetal position and wept for several minutes before finally recovering, and emphatically stating: "Never again will I allow myself to pass an opportunity to ride, I promise you that! I just hope none of my enthusiast friends recognizes the guilt in my eyes."
--SM
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Carousel Politely Declines Billy Joel's Offer of Help
The carousel from the defunct Nunley's Amusement Park is in danger of being lost, and singer-songwriter Billy Joel stepped in, hoping to save it. But ARN&R has learned that the carousel has politely declined his offer of help, noting that his music "sucks ass" and that it would rather be divided up or destroyed than associated with "anything vaguely connected with that 'We Didn't Start the Fire' song."
"Look, I appreciate the thought," said the carousel in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "But the dude hasn't done anything even remotely respectable since 'The Nylon Curtain,' and even that was no great shakes. His classical stuff is an insult to anyone who actually knows anything about music, and he had the freakin' nerve to name one of his pieces after me. What a drunken dickweed."
The carousel showed interest in finding other celebrity help. "How about James Taylor? He's practically John Lennon compared to Billy Joel. Or maybe the two Johns [of Brooklyn band They Might Be Giants] would help out. Hell, that woman who ran over the people in the Berkshires would be fine. Just not the freakin' Piano Man."
The carousel from the defunct Nunley's Amusement Park is in danger of being lost, and singer-songwriter Billy Joel stepped in, hoping to save it. But ARN&R has learned that the carousel has politely declined his offer of help, noting that his music "sucks ass" and that it would rather be divided up or destroyed than associated with "anything vaguely connected with that 'We Didn't Start the Fire' song."
"Look, I appreciate the thought," said the carousel in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "But the dude hasn't done anything even remotely respectable since 'The Nylon Curtain,' and even that was no great shakes. His classical stuff is an insult to anyone who actually knows anything about music, and he had the freakin' nerve to name one of his pieces after me. What a drunken dickweed."
The carousel showed interest in finding other celebrity help. "How about James Taylor? He's practically John Lennon compared to Billy Joel. Or maybe the two Johns [of Brooklyn band They Might Be Giants] would help out. Hell, that woman who ran over the people in the Berkshires would be fine. Just not the freakin' Piano Man."
Friday, August 13, 2004
Enthusiast Helpfully Corrects Ride Operator Terminology
In what all involved called "an incredibly giving and generous moment" and "not at all annoying," enthusiast Cameron Krinkland today provided helpful tips to a rider operator at Lake Compounce in Connecticut.
The ride operator, 19-year-old Kristin Bloodgood, had been repeating the same spiel she had repeated all summer: "Welcome to Boulder Dash! When the gates open, please enter the seat row directly ahead of you and place your items on the opposite platform. Thanks and enjoy your ride!"
Krinkland chuckled and shook his head. "Excuse me, miss...is it Kristin?" he said, leering at her nametag. "I heard you refer to 'seat row,' and you probably would want to know that on PTCs, those are called 'benches.' No, don't thank me -- I just want you to be the best and perkiest ride operator you can be." Ignoring Bloodgood's sullen glare, Krinkland continued: "Would you like to see my track record? I've got it right here on my Palm."
In the past, Krinkland has written a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, which had identified a powered children's ride as a roller coaster ("Experts agree that to be a coaster, it must operate on gravity; the 'Dragon Coaster' does not, and you do your readers a disservice suggesting otherwise") and become violent when a young child identified Excalibur at Valleyfair! as a wooden coaster, when in fact the trains ride on steel track.
Reached for comment, Krinkland said that he was considering asking Bloodgood out, stating that "she totally wanted me." Bloodgood, reached for comment, vomited.
In what all involved called "an incredibly giving and generous moment" and "not at all annoying," enthusiast Cameron Krinkland today provided helpful tips to a rider operator at Lake Compounce in Connecticut.
The ride operator, 19-year-old Kristin Bloodgood, had been repeating the same spiel she had repeated all summer: "Welcome to Boulder Dash! When the gates open, please enter the seat row directly ahead of you and place your items on the opposite platform. Thanks and enjoy your ride!"
Krinkland chuckled and shook his head. "Excuse me, miss...is it Kristin?" he said, leering at her nametag. "I heard you refer to 'seat row,' and you probably would want to know that on PTCs, those are called 'benches.' No, don't thank me -- I just want you to be the best and perkiest ride operator you can be." Ignoring Bloodgood's sullen glare, Krinkland continued: "Would you like to see my track record? I've got it right here on my Palm."
In the past, Krinkland has written a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, which had identified a powered children's ride as a roller coaster ("Experts agree that to be a coaster, it must operate on gravity; the 'Dragon Coaster' does not, and you do your readers a disservice suggesting otherwise") and become violent when a young child identified Excalibur at Valleyfair! as a wooden coaster, when in fact the trains ride on steel track.
Reached for comment, Krinkland said that he was considering asking Bloodgood out, stating that "she totally wanted me." Bloodgood, reached for comment, vomited.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Coming Soon to a Theme Park Near You: Joe Dirt: The Ride
Well, they did it. Paramount's Canada's Wonderland has announced their new-for-2005 coaster, The Italian Job Stunt Track. While we certainly don't want to diss the installation of any new roller coaster, unless it's by Vekoma, we're a little dismayed that Paramount is so desperate for movie franchises to turn into amusement park attractions that they selected yet another bland action flick that no one will remember in three years.
In an effort to discourage parks from turning horrible (Tomb Raider: The Ride) or even merely tepid and predictable (The Italian Job Stunt Track) movies into rides, we initiate the punitive action of making the preview page for the new attraction our Site O' the Weak. If we don't do this, it's only a matter of time before someone builds Hudson Hawk: The Ride or Highlander IV: Endgame Experience or Gigli: The Decimation.
Even if we weren't providing this valuable public service, this page could be a candidate due solely to its blatant product placement (Drive a MINI! Your very own MINI! We got lots of money from the makers of the MINI and we're going to cram the little bitches down your f*cking throat!).
--JCK
[Ed. Note: We're assuming JCK had a very good reason for only mentioning the Bad Movie Stunt Track going into Canada's Wonderland and not the one going into Kings Island. Perhaps the PKI preview page will be next week's Site O' The Weak.]
Well, they did it. Paramount's Canada's Wonderland has announced their new-for-2005 coaster, The Italian Job Stunt Track. While we certainly don't want to diss the installation of any new roller coaster, unless it's by Vekoma, we're a little dismayed that Paramount is so desperate for movie franchises to turn into amusement park attractions that they selected yet another bland action flick that no one will remember in three years.
In an effort to discourage parks from turning horrible (Tomb Raider: The Ride) or even merely tepid and predictable (The Italian Job Stunt Track) movies into rides, we initiate the punitive action of making the preview page for the new attraction our Site O' the Weak. If we don't do this, it's only a matter of time before someone builds Hudson Hawk: The Ride or Highlander IV: Endgame Experience or Gigli: The Decimation.
Even if we weren't providing this valuable public service, this page could be a candidate due solely to its blatant product placement (Drive a MINI! Your very own MINI! We got lots of money from the makers of the MINI and we're going to cram the little bitches down your f*cking throat!).
--JCK
[Ed. Note: We're assuming JCK had a very good reason for only mentioning the Bad Movie Stunt Track going into Canada's Wonderland and not the one going into Kings Island. Perhaps the PKI preview page will be next week's Site O' The Weak.]
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