Join ARN&R In Bidding Farewell To A Classic

It has enjoyed years of mammoth popularity. Millions have been sold. Odds are that you own at least one, or know someone who has purchased several. It is, without a doubt, the single most important piece in the rich history of coaster enthusiast apparel. It is the Beast thong.

But as it is said, all good things must come to an end, even this icon of enthusiast garb. Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors is retiring its most honored ass-floss, and would like to invite you to join us in celebrating the 2007 Beast Thong Farewell Tour.

Perfect for hours spent in front of a computer downloading POVs of Sally dark rides, or wedging oneself into Gerstlauer trains, the Beast thong set the standard for comfort in enthusiast undergarments. It ranked #3 on Woollies Weekly Magazine’s “Most Influential Skivvies” list. And its fans included such notable personalities as Israeli artist Pamela Levy, World War II hero Christopher Lee, and Lunatic Wrestling Federation promoter Billy Whack.

The decision to discontinue the Beast thong was not an easy one. In the end, however, ARN&R decided to let the wildly popular unmentionable sail off into history while still riding high. A worthy replacement for the Beast thong has not yet been decided on, but it has been confirmed that the new thong will not celebrate highly ineffective boycott sites.

And hey, while you’re over at Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe, why not spend some of your hard-earned income tax refund money? How about a stylish ARN&R clock, to remind you that it’s been nearly fifteen minutes since you’ve posted in an inane Coasterbuzz thread about Dollywood? Or a sexy women's ARN&R t-shirt for the (ahem) “special lady” in your life? And don’t forget about this bumper sticker to show the world that you support a futile cause.

(And heaven forbid anyone think this is a cheap stunt just to drive up sales. We here at ARN&R deride anyone using shameful ploys designed to artificially create a sense of panic among consumers. This time next year, the only time you’ll see a Beast thong is if you peer into Chuck Nungester's bedroom window.)

--CMV

ValleyFair changes name to Trim Brake Kingdom

Shakopee, Minn, Feb 27 - Under recommendation by Cedar Fair Entertainment Company--and their new ‘clear and sensible’ policy of renaming parks-- ValleyFair announced it will operate as Trim Brake Kingdom. The name change will transition throughout the park’s season beginning May 12, 2007.

Alan Schwartz, the park’s VP and general manager explained, “Frankly, we’ve always operated as the Trim Brake Capital. I’m sorry--of the PLANET,“ adding the final three words after a poke in the ribs from a CF board member we won‘t name. “Where do you start? Excalibur’s record-setting first drop brakes? The one that massacres High Roller’s return run? Let’s not forget we replaced a classic Schwarzkopf mouse with a ride sporting five times the trims,” he continued, bouncing in his seat while rubbing his hands with glee. “While the park name will change, our commitment to killing all forward momentum? Same as it always was.”

But that’s not the only addition guests will enjoy this season. “Screechy,” a six-foot tall walking--and often erratically halting--caliper brake mascot will debut at the park this season. The Gazebo Stage show musical, “STOP…in the name of What?” will move the audience with a medley of songs. Just not too much in one direction at any given time. And the IMAX theater’s new film, “The Ride is Coming to a Stop Again--Why, God? Why?” will explore the history and future of braking technology while the usual occupants nod to sleep.

Other Cedar Fair ‘clear and sensible’ name changes are bound to follow. Las Vegas’s Star Trek: The Experience is expected to add Clusterfuck: The Ultimate Ferengi Ripoff, which will actually be a large neon sign pointing to the admission booths. While Screamscape also reports the addition of ‘premium’ stalls for kicking one’s own ass after spending $40 for all of two rides, this may be little more than enthusiast fantasy.

--CO

Los Angeles Homeless Man Refuses To Live In Home Constructed From Psyclone Remains

He may live in a Whirlpool refrigerator box, said Los Angeles transient Andy “Rickets” Delaney, but he still has standards.

This week, Delaney rejected a Six Flags Magic Mountain offer to build him a mini-bungalow from the remains of Psyclone, the park’s Dinn Corporation wooden coaster. Psyclone is slated to be demolished later this year, and Six Flags decided to put the remains to good use by building several domiciles for the Los Angeles area homeless. But Delaney would have none of that.

“You gotta be crazy!” Delaney bellowed at ARN&R hack CMV during an interview over a bottle of Four Roses wine. “I used to live in the dumpster out back of the Hamburger Hamlet in Valencia. I know what that coaster did to people. No way am I living in a house made outta that wood! It’s cursed, I tell you! Cursed!”

Scratching his lice-infested scalp, Delaney continued. “I may be a bum, but I ain’t stupid. I would either wake up everyday with a splitting headache, or the whole damn thing would collapse on me some night. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll take my chances out on the street with the weather, the wild dogs, and the gangs.”

“That was the last reaction I expected to hear,” said SFMM Public Relations Manager Karen Eden, when informed of Delaney’s refusal. “It’s a win-win situation for everyone. The park gets to free up some land for an exciting and dynamic new adventure, and that displaced man gets a roof over his head. I don’t see what the problem is.”

Showing surprising knowledge of the amusement park industry for a man who survives on fare scavenged from garbage cans, Delaney stated that Magic Mountain is fooling no one with their claims of an exciting and dynamic new adventure. He also stated that he’d rather eat off the floor of the Los Angeles Greyhound bus terminal than dine at the park’s new Johnny Rocket’s Express.

--CMV

Amusement Park Music Composers to Picket SXSW

Most years at the South by Southwest Music Conference in Austin, Texas, the biggest crowds are those of wristband-clad fans trying to get into the hottest showcases at Emo's or the Austin Music Hall.

This year, though, they just might be outside the convention center, wearing signs saying things like "Riddler's Revenge Overture Rocks! Give Us A Panel!" and "I'd Like To See Anyone From Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Write a Medley of Today's Hottest Country Songs Without Going Crazy!"

That's because for the fifth consecutive year, conference organizers have refused to create a panel at the conference for the discussion of the writing and arrangement of music performed or played at amusement parks.

"We just want to get our due," said Hobson Fitchburg IV, who counts the background music of "Crackaxle Canyon" at various Six Flags parks among his credits, along with arranging the music performed by the marching brass ensemble at Valleyfair! in 1987. "We deserve to be recognized for our vital role in contemporary music and composition. While we're at it, some of the ensembles should really be given a showcase -- that'd be huge! Who wouldn't want to hear songs by The Fray, Daniel Powter, and Justin Timberlake performed by high-energy people with a sparkling pre-recorded background?"

Stephanie Hathaway, who says she arranged the "very special" version of the Halloween theme music played in the themed section of the same name at Holiday World, concurs. "We are just as much a part of the modern music community as anyone. If you don't think it's outrageous for us to be excluded, just ask yourself this question: Where would we be if the art community acted the same? You'd never see caricature artists or airbrush artists on display at the Met or Tate Modern or MoMA, would you? And wouldn't your world be just a little emptier?"

Both performers then had to end the interview to get back to perform for the 3:00 performance of the Hawaiian stage show at the Pittsburgh-area Conley Inn.

South by Southwest officials did not return repeated requests for comment.

--GP

Further Mission: Space Changes Revealed

Less than a year after the "kinder, gentler" Mission: Space was introduced, with the spinning action removed from some of the modules, Disney announced even more changes, adding what Imagineers called a "truly interactive component" to the underachieving ride.

"We've closed the attraction for approximately a week," said spokesman David Kumho. "But when it reopens, boy, it's going to be phenomenal!"

According to site plans obtained by ARN&R, each rider will, when entering the queue, be given a tan trench coat, a new steel mallet, a new folding knife with a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, and large plastic garbage bags. Each rider will also be required to don a diaper.

The plans are unclear about precisely what follows, but it appears likely that patrons will be required to drive approximately 1,000 miles at the Richard Petty Speedway attraction without stopping before doing anything with the equipment given to them and prior to any opportunity to board the actual Mission: Space attraction. Additionally, it appears likely that the Mission: Space ride will have a waterbed and heart-shaped hot tub added, for reasons not yet disclosed.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the newly-revamped attraction will be sponsored by London Fog Outerwear, Hefty Bags, and Depends.

--GP

Camelot Theme Park Staffer's Date Disputes Press Release

The Camelot Theme Park recently announced a new coaster, declaring it, at 2,600 feet, one of the longest roller coasters in existence. The press release, written by one Barry Carlton of Lancashire, described the ride -- with a top speed of over 40 miles per hour -- as a white knuckle attraction with "world class thrills."

In a related story, Carlton's date last Saturday issued a press release announcing that "Barry Carlton is pathetically unable to judge length, the thrills related to length, the relative length of any given item compared to world records or even world averages, what it means to provide 'world class thrills,' or the necessary speeds required to provide satisfaction, much less thrills, to others. Also, it's really gross when his back hair gets caught in his chain mail. In short -- and I cannot emphasize the word 'short' enough -- he's clueless."

Carlton was unavailable for comment.

--GP

Coasterbuzz Poster Creates Exciting New Variety Of Performance Art

For years, the phrase “performance art” has had a less than positive connotation, conjuring up visions of bizarre collections of unrelated parts or eccentric performances in poorly-lit galleries. An assortment of Mego action figure parts slathered in mayonnaise and stacked in a litter box would be said to symbolize mankind’s contempt for nature, while a grown man wearing a Rainbow Brite mask might play a children’s ukulele for five hours as a way to convey his festering resentment toward his mother.

That stereotype is a thing of the past, thanks to one man.

Art critics the world over are gushing about a new form of performance art created by Coasterbuzz poster Jason Hammond. Echoing the movements called "Fluxus" and "Dada" this new form of art is dubbed “grammer” by its creator and is expressed solely through the written word, and throws conventional rules and conventions right out the proverbial window.

“I’m not the type to frequent websites about roller coasters. Frankly, I think most of those people are vapid twits,” said Charles DuMonche, director of the DuMonche Art Gallery in New York City. “But this is an incredible breakthrough. I’m prepared to go on record saying that this is the most important innovation in the art world in the past one hundred years.”

“One only has to go to the thread itself to witness this work of genius firsthand,” said Andru Applethorpe, senior writer for Artiste Monthly. “Its beauty is in its deception. At first read of his work, you believe he is nothing more than a mouth breathing simpleton who confuses the words 'your' and 'you’re,' and constantly misspells the word 'believe.' But then, your world is turned upside down by the end statement, where he adds, '<edited for grammer>.' Only then do you realize that what you just read was created under 'grammer' rules, and it is you who are the one who appears stupid. I was floored.”

“Predicted to become the new standard in written performance art within three years,” said the notoriously-succinct art review website known as Artbits.org. “Extra credit for intentional misspelling of word 'grammar.' Delicious irony.”

Jason Hammond, typical of most great visionaries, was unavailable for comment. ARN&R contacted Jeff Putz, webmaster of Coasterbuzz, in an attempt to confirm that Hammond is indeed a serious artist, and not just a dim-witted enthusiast with a shaky grasp on the English language.

“Don’t you go putting ideas in anybody’s head! Do you know how much I’ve invested in pop-up ads to sell 8x10s of this guy’s work?” Putz bellowed over the phone. “This is going to make me rich, do you hear me? Richer than Shapiro and Snyder combined!”

--CMV

Shapiro To Whore Out Every Inch Of Six Flags Parks In 2007

Following the blockbuster announcement naming Heinz the Official Ketchup of the Six Flags chain of parks, CEO Mark Shapiro announced today the largest collection of sponsorship deals in amusement park history. The collection involves hundreds of sponsors, and when implemented, will blanket every Six Flags park in existence.

“We’ve already got Official Pizzas and Official Ketchups of Six Flags, but why stop there?” Shapiro asked on a carbon-copied post on dozens of Six Flags fan site forums. “Now, due to these new sponsorship deals, our guests will be guaranteed nothing but the best experience at our parks.”

According to Shapiro, guests will see the changes immediately as Halliburton takes over as Official Parking Lot Operators of Six Flags, as well as becoming the Official Ticketing System Controllers of Six Flags and the Official War Profiteers of Six Flags. Other changes include Morton’s as the Official Salt of Six Flags, Sweetheart as the Official Napkin of Six Flags, and Black Oak Arkansas as the Official Restroom Muzak Band of Six Flags.

Conspicuously missing are any Official Cleaning Products of Six Flags. Shapiro states that the company is “already in a good place” concerning that situation.

--CMV

Six Flags Characters: “We Didn’t Know We Could Hit The Little F---ers.”

Costumed characters at the Six Flags chain of amusement parks are aghast at the release of videotape that allegedly shows Walt Disney World character Tigger assaulting a young boy without reason at the Florida vacation kingdom. But whereas the general public is shocked by the nature of the attack, Six Flags’ characters see it in a different light.

“I had no idea that we could hit those little f---ers like that!” said a character at Six Flags St. Louis who would only allow himself to be identified as Daffy D. “Disney isn’t even making him apologize. I’m sure if he’d have known he was going to get off that easy, he would have drawn blood on the little bastard. Sufferin’ succotash!”

At Six Flags Great America, a character known as F. H. Leghorn agrees. “Ah say, ah say, it’s nice to see Tigger striking a blow for all of us characters. There’s been so many times that ah’d loved to have laid a backhand into some little child who’s been a-yanking on my plumage. Ah wish ah’d known about this years ago.”

The situation appears ready to escalate, as cryptic postings from someone known only as “Bugs B.” have been appearing in Six Flags employee forums all over the internet. In the postings, “Bugs” appeals to his character brethren to rise up “against the establishment” in the 2007 season, and strike back “on behalf of underappreciated characters everywhere." He goes on to promise that the midways “will run crimson with the blood of the great unwashed," and that he would personally be posting a generous bounty for every child’s tooth collected off the pavement.

Characters from other theme park companies, such as Cedar Fair’s Snoopy, Gulliver’s Theme Park’s Gully Mouse and Lotte World’s Papa Twunk declined to comment officially, although Kuku from the Jian Hu Shan amusement park did vigorously quiz this reporter about possible job openings at Six Flags.

Not surprisingly, this news caused very little stir at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. “Big f---ing deal," said a character identified as Marvin M. “We’ve been raisin’ our pimp hands to these little punks for years, so this s--t is old news to us.”

--CMV

Enthusiast Comes This/Close To Getting Laid

In news that stunned the coaster community, a Lewisburg, Missouri enthusiast came this/close to engaging in sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex over the holiday season. Bradley Wolf, 26, was attending a party hosted by an acquaintance when the incident occurred.

“I was just minding my own business, looking through the host’s book collection to see if he had anything about Riverview Park or Coney Island,” Wolf said in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “And then some hot little chick bumps into me and spills her Long Island Iced Tea all over my River King Mine Train shirt. She started apologizing and said how cool my “retro” shirt was, and asked if I bought it at Hot Topic. There was so much liquor coming off this girl’s breath, it made my eyeballs water.”

Wolf’s original plan to woo the tipsy young lady was quickly derailed. “I was just about to ask her what she thought about the loop being removed from Son of Beast, but she just started prattling on about a Nina Gordon concert she went to last week.”

As Wolf tells it, the topics of conversation began to veer wildly. “It was two minutes of how she hates people who watch Grey’s Anatomy, then thirty seconds about how she likes to rollerblade in the winter, and then a minute and a half about how Chris O’Donnell is the poorest actor of our generation. I kept trying to steer the conversation so I could talk about the new Euro Fighter going in at the Mall of America, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. She just wouldn’t shut up.”

Wolf goes on to claim that the woozy young woman grasped on to his arm for stability, and claimed that she thought guys who are good listeners were “cute." She then slurred something that would have been drunkenly incoherent to most, but was crystal clear to Wolf.

“She asked me if I’d like to find an empty room upstairs, so she could show me some positive g’s,” Wolf said. “But before I could do anything about it, a few of her friends descended on her like a murder of crows, saying there were some ‘real’ guys she had to meet. I never saw her again.”

Wolf plans to heavily embellish his near-conquest on all of the 27 coaster forums that he posts on.

--CMV