Gatekeeper Mystery Solved At Last

Fan boys have long wondered the great mysteries of Cedar Point.  Does 12E mean anything?  Will Dick Kinzel by released from the Carbonite?  What well loved attraction will they tear out next in a hope to beat Magic Mountain to the title?  Will the Golden Ticket ever go to a good park?  And most intriguing, why do they keep building rides that have to close during the lightest breeze at a park next to a lake?

These legends and more have been solved in the past.  But now the greatest mystery emerges.  Gatekeeper has two keyholes.  First, who has the keys?  Second, what happens if one or both of them are turned?  Third, do they have to be turned like the scene in the beginning of Wargames?  Or is it more of a Hunt for Red October thing?  Or perhaps Crimson Tide?

According to sources close to someone who thinks they know a guy working at a nacho stand rumored to be on the Cedar Point peninsula, the first key was buried beneath the former concrete pad of the Wildcat.  The source isn't sure is the key is still there or not, but we have been told that "dancers" and "singers" that now call the area home have attempted to locate it in the hopes of ensuring they won't be kicked out when it is determined that they were never meant to be allowed to torture the human race.

The whereabouts of the second key are still unknown.  But the same guy who may or may not work at a nacho stand has ventured into the secret command center and discovered the mystery that the keys cause.  If both keys are turned at the same time,  the "reverse lycene contingency" is engaged.  This causes a certain group of animatronic lizards to return to their alive state.  According to the book left open on the counter, the lizards are tasked with charging towards Florida to destroy a mouse.  Not without picking up their leader, creator, and former chief executive who will lead them to victory while riding a tyrannosaurus.

For now the keys are safe.  If something does go wrong though, you're all on your own.  

Thankfully, we own an island off the coast of Costa Rica.

Texas to Adopt "Intamin Math" in State Curriculum

The Texas Board of Education recently adopted sweeping changes to that state's textbook guidelines, with most focus going to positive references to Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association.

Lesser noticed were those changes to the math and engineering curricula for Texas students. Inspired by Intamin's recent work at Cedar Point, the Board adopted what it called "Intamin Math."

"For far too long, the liberal elite has forced students to believe that there's only one way to add numbers together, and that engineers should use 'precise data,' whatever that even means," said Board spokeswoman Julie Delphi. "Just like evolution and climate change, the Pythagorean theorem is just a theory -- no better than a guess! So we'll be teaching the controversy about that and about all of math."

Referencing a mnemonic frequently used in trigonometry, Delphi added, "SOHCAHTOA, we think, is some sort of invitation to the illegals, so that'll be out for sure. And 'taking a derivative' of something sounds like a slam on the good derivatives traders on Wall Street, so calculus is off limits now."

The new engineering curriculum will introduce students to ideas such as "Kinda measure once, build two or three times and change it a few more dozen times," "Failsafes are okay but not really needed," and numbers like "eleventy-four" and "thirty-twelve."

Intamin will also appear in the state's business curriculum as an example of a company that somehow continues to exist despite its massive and obvious failings.

--GP

Who misses Jack?

We do. Not that there's anything new to see, but please, go check out the State Showcase Funpark Extravaganza Place of Fun and Stars discussion board.  We, to be sure, are ready to buy our season passes.

This blog is now located at http://coasterrumors.blogspot.com/.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

Like the Stories, But Find All Those "Words" and "Paragraphs" Daunting?

Lucky you. You can now get ARN&R in 140 characters (or fewer!) at our Twitter feed.

Leading Prick Website Calls For Boycott of Leading Hair Loss Website for Calling for Boycott of Theme Park

Miami, FL July 28, 2009 -- PrickCentralBook.com, the leading social network website dedicated to making strong and lasting connections among utter pricks, is calling for officials at HairLoss.com, to cease advocating a boycott of Freestyle Park or face a boycott from its tens of thousands of prick participants.

A few days ago, HairLoss.com announced its intention to call for a boycott of the Myrtle Beach theme park after one of its ads depicted a rider losing his toupee on the Time Machine roller coaster. "The officials at Freestyle Music Park should be ashamed and embarrassed for not only promoting this cheap, low-level and insulting ad, but then by defending it as 'fun'," said Michael Garcia, spokesman for HairLoss.com in its press release.

In response, PrickCentralBook.com's spokeswoman Janet Fleming-Reynolds, herself a total prick, said that HairLoss.com "should be ashamed and embarrassed for promoting a view of pricks that is even worse than we deserve." Fleming-Reynolds continued: "Upwards of 40% of our male prick members are bald or balding, and, being total pricks, most of them use a toupee -- oh, sorry, a 'hair system.' But not even they are sufficiently prickish to think that this ad is offensive. Yes, we know lots of people lose their hair due to cancer treatment and the like, and of course, no, we're not enough of pricks to make fun of them. But that's not what the park was doing."

Other similar sites, including MyAsshatBook.com and DickWeedSpace.com, are considering similar actions, according to reports.

--GP

Writing Our Acceptance Speech Already...

Looking forward to winning this award. Thanks in advance to our tens and tens of fans for nominating us repeatedly.

--GP

Our Question Is...

When will Flying Turns open?

We demand precision!

Are You Ready?



That's how long until the next Theme Park Review Friday update at RRC if it appears as the same time as last week.

Update: OHMIGODOHMIGOD THEY POSTED EARLY!!!@!!!@! CHECK IT OUT PEEEPS!!!!!!!!1 And...go!

Get yer typing fingers ready! Get yer insane asshattery prepared!

--GP

NYC: "Yes, We Would Like Coney Island to Look Just Like Your Mall."

In a surprising announcement, the New York City government acknowledged today that it does, in fact, want Coney Island ultimately to look like your regional mall. "In particular, we are seeking to emulate that classic and intensely missed mall, the Northland Shopping Center of Jennings, Missouri. But with new and similarly generic stores."

The press release continued: "Why have local and eclectic amusements, and historical buildings? Why have the original Nathan's? The answer is: No reason, when you can have a Gap, FYE, Abercrombie & Fitch, and, most critically, a One Potato Two and a Mrs. Fields Cookies."

Construction on the expected thirteen Starbucks will start immediately. Additionally, the press release notes that all current Coney Island residents will be replaced by white people from South Dakota.

--GP