CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc. Wins Rare Honor

There is little to be said about this site besides: Yikes. B_u_m8803@yahoo.com, we bow down in awe of your cretinous use of popup boxes and incredibly annoying music. And your completely nonalphabetical listing of states. [Ed. Note: One of our correspondents, with far too much time on his hands, points out that the listing is, helpfully enough, in the order that the states joined the Union. Thanks, Rain Man!]

Congratulations, CoasterLand Coaster Inc. Coasters Inc., you're our Site O' the Weak!

Addendum: One of our friends informed us that this site "made [her] lose the will to live."

Microsoft Debuts “Ban’em 2K3” Software to Amusement Industry

To meet the demand of Amusement Park industry heads, Microsoft has devised the latest in industry software. In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Bill Gates demonstrated the future of Park Banning.

“Our new software integrates the privacy forfeiture of Windows XP into our existing small business applications. Now, whenever a coaster enthusiast badmouths a park on the internet, park management is immediately notified thanks to Microsoft's new ToolSpider technology. With just a few clicks, the offender’s name, address, social security number, and passport photo are in the hands of management.”

Banned enthusiasts can be nabbed thanks to retinal scanners posted at Lemon Chill stands throughout the park if they disobey park management and try to sneak in. “This software alerts security immediately of any banned coaster enthusiast on park property so that they can be dealt with swiftly and be sent home, to hopefully share their experience on the Internet, preferably using MSN Explorer.” said Gates. Additionally, Microsoft is reportedly in the final stages of testing SalivaGuard, a new sensor apparatus designed to recognize banned enthusiasts through rapid DNA analysis of their drool that inevitably drops near hot dog stands.

Cedar Fair has already purchased the software package and plans to have everything in place “in time to keep out CSTRTUL24 and AIRTIMEWHORE435 out of our beautiful parks.”

--MMS

Limbaugh Fired as ACE Coaster Analyst

Rabid fascist beached whale Rush Limbaugh was fired tonight by the American Coaster Enthusiasts following derogatory comments he made during the group's weekly coaster special. This news comes less than a week after the corpulent racist jackoff resigned from ESPN following his insensitive and completely repulsive comments about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

"We really thought Rush would watch himself after his incident with ESPN," said ACE Immediate Past Dictator for Life Bill Linkenheimer III. "Not that I'm all that upset about it. When I was president, having that bulbous Hutt around meant that our already-staggering buffet bills were almost double their highest total before we signed him on."

Linkenheimer added that "he really knows absolutely nothing about roller coasters, now that I think about it. Not that he knew crap about football, either. Or anything else, for that matter. Huh. Too bad he was getting all that money...I guess he was just a fatass waste of decent oxygen all along."

The new round of offensive remarks happened on air during the Saturday ACE program Let's Work Those Lats. Limbaugh, a prize-winning jackass buffoon, claimed, with no provocation, "I don't understand why the liberal media is always trying to root for black roller coasters just because they're black. Take that Batman ride at Six Flags St. Louis, for example. If it wasn't black, none of these stupid liberal feminists would be putting it in their top lists. I bet if it were white, no one would even notice it's there. Then compare that to a fine white Aryan coaster like Screamin' Eagle, which gets ignored just because it's white. That's real discrimination, not that fake Brown vs. Board of Education stuff people whined so much about in the fifties."

The pompous steaming mound of human excrement then smoothed his bright purple Grand Dragon uniform down before continuing, "it's really such a trial being a bloated, smug, rich white male prick asswipe these days, I tell you. I have to watch every minute to be sure I'm not being oppressed."

--JCK

Universal's Halloween Horror Nights Uses New Soundtrack

ARN&R has received exclusive word that the soundtrack used for Universal's Halloween Horror Nights will be the Baby Baby CD. "Although many parks use a combination of atmospheric scary music, classical music about evil subjects, and rock tunes with a Halloween theme, we thought we needed something much more horrifying," said Vice President of Making People Soil Their Panties Clint McNabb. "And what could possibly terrify and disgust people more than having that f*%king Baby Baby abomination wailing away all night?"

ARN&R reps got a sneak peek at Islands of Adventure all themed up and ready to inspire fear with its awe-inspiring new nighttime soundtrack. We can say for sure that we were utterly filled with unspeakable dread at the Baby Baby CD.

Said one reporter, "It's a most frightening family keepsake actually sung with the baby's name in the lyrics by the original artist. Somehow, the soothing, inspiring, contemporary music personalized with your baby's name produced the most terrorizing nightmare agony I have ever experienced. This album is clearly produced by minions of Satan himself, and I feel my soul being sucked straight into the fires of the damned each and every instant that it's playing on the loudspeakers."

The nerve-wracked staff of ARN&R eventually fled the special screening weeping in terror, as the caterwauling banshees of eternal hellfire belted out in a treacly whine: "Nich-o-las, oh Nich-o-las, my baby blah blah blah." Some of us may never be able to sleep again. Universal is to be applauded for its choice of music representing the fiery molten pits of Lucifer.

--JCK

Enthusiast Witnesses Smoking in Line; Notifies Internet Community

Ben Albtraum, an ACE member from Cambridge, MA, decried all smokers in the online message forum Roller Coaster Chat Talk Interact Forum Wednesday.

“I think that if there (sic) going to be that rude they should be ejected from the park,” declaimed Albtraum.

This sparked a lengthy online debate about smoking, cancer, and line etiquette. When contacted for an exclusive ARN&R interview, Albtraum said he did nothing to stop the smoker from continuing to enjoy his smooth, sophisticated Parliament cigarette in line, admitting that he “didn’t want to start anything” and that he “felt safer going on the internet to bitch about it instead.”

According to the CoasterBuzz meeting calendar, Ben will be acting like a total pussy at Darien Lake this weekend, and plans to berate the GP in his extensive trip report, which will be posted in real time thanks to his Blackberry.

--MMS

Assistant Editor Notches Really Crummy 250th

The Assistant Editor and frequent ARN&R writer JCK ended up having an amazingly crappy coaster as his 250th, sources tell us. Aside from having to carry the red mark of shame for managing to ride such a bad coaster on an important even number, JCK is reputedly worried about whether he will be able to maintain his standing in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, what with their Brute Squad making the rounds disciplining people left and right.

"The incident happened this weekend," a flustered JCK said, furtively glancing left and right to keep an eye out for the Brute Squad. The Editor-in-Chief and Supreme Benevolent Leader for Life and I went to Morey's Piers this weekend, and at some point I remembered that I had been on 246 coasters and would likely hit the big 250 at some point during the day. But then we walked down the boardwalk after parking, and we came first to the pier with Great White. I was so excited to ride a custom CCI woodie that I didn't think to insist we run all the way down to the other piers first so I could rack up some s*it carni portables first and make Great White my 250th. Damn me for rushing to the good coaster first!"

JCK added that "having Great Nor'easter as my 250th will be a taint that will live with me forever. As will the migraines and the crippled back I suffered during my ride on that thing."

An ACE Executive Junta member who asked not to be named stated that "although having a crap coaster as an important number in one's count is not officially covered in the Almighty ACE Code of Commandments, it is suspicious behavior that we'll be looking into."

--JCK

Bladder Voided

Amusement park enthusiast Chris Grueninger's bladder explosively emptied its contents directly into his pants Sunday, he claims. According to Grueninger, the "scare actors" at Busch Gardens Williamsburg's Howloscream were so utterly terrifying that his bladder involuntarily voided itself all over him in most embarrassing fashion.

The incident occurred at approximately 8:00 PM, as the park was just entering darkness. Says Grueninger, "I was already sorta creeped out by those sheets hanging in the trees and by the blacklights sticking out right in the open, and that Festhaus show was unbelievably frightening, especially when they sang Bon Jovi. Then, I was absolutely scared out of my wits when this woman dressed as a statue or something jumped at me and went 'RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' Since I'd filled myself up with copious gallons of expensive, noxious Pepsi products all evening, my bladder was totally full when the scary lady jumped at me, and its entire contents were hosed all over me with incredible violence."

Grueninger noted with regret that "there was this chick dressed like a gypsy who wasn't at all scary, more like pretty damn hot, but I had to run away like I was frightened anyway since I was pretty sure she'd find the stench of my urine all over my pants and legs to be a turnoff."

--JCK

Six Flags Announces Major Cost Savings Achieved from Hurricane Isabel
Expects Postive Impact on 3Q03 Earnings

The world's largest Theme Park Company -- Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PKS) -- announced today that it reaped huge benefits from the recent effects of Hurricane Isabel. In an emergency press conference from the chain's Oklahoma City office, Chairman and CEO Keiran Burke explained: "While our stock has been out of favor recently on Wall Street with analysts focusing on our staggering debt load and increasingly poor performance, I am confident that the most recent events in our major east-coast US markets will propel us into true profitability and record-breaking attendance increases."

Burke continued, "We were fortunate enough to have Hurricane Isabel hit our facilities mid-week in the post Labor Day season. These facilities include Six Flags America, Six Flags Great Adventure, Six Flags Dairen Lake, Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, The Great Escape (a Six Flags property), and Six Flags New England. These facilities were all scheduled to be closed while the hurricane struck, resulting in no lost revenue due to further dastardly weather that has plauged our facilities along with concerns with terrorism, West Nile Virus, Bubonic Plague, and rat infestations this fiscal year. Remember that -- the bad results this year were entirely out of our control. Last year too."

"Furthermore, an unexpected benefit has resulted in what we feel, along with our CFO James Dannhauser, will propel our attendance and profitability into the stratosphere. Isabel packed upwards of 75 mile-per-hour winds and torrential rains on our most vaulable properties. This severe rain and wind substantially benefited our operations as it washed away 5 years of trash and garbage that has piled up at our facilities since 1998."

Burke continued: "Unexpected flooding also swept the several metric tons of human excrement that have collected at our guest comfort facilties and our restrooms are sparkling like new. As a result, we are able to eliminate our last 2 groundskeeper positions at each of the parks named above for both the remainder of this fiscal year and also next. Additionally, now that our restrooms are spotless, we are adding a new 'RestPass' program at each park named above. We are installing bill validators on all restrooms that will collect $20 for each guest that wants to enter the facility." According to reports, visitors who do not pay for a 'RestPass' will be permitted to urinate or defecate in a large open pit area that will later be part of a Gotham Hovel-themed roller coaster.

Trading of the stock was down .29 or 4% to 4.89 at Monday's close.

--EJB

Let Them Eat Cake and Cupcakes and Absolutely Nothing Else

This week's Site O' the Weak is a very special one to all of us here at AbsolutelyReliableTowers, due in no small part to the fact that a couple of us got to witness the masses of humanity that are the Jersey Shore over the weekend. One park we sadly did not get to visit is Playland's Castaway Cove in lovely and scenic Ocean City, New Jersey.

First of all, the website for Playland's Castaway Cove is extremely popular. How popular? Hard to say, but we'll note that the front page does say that "This page has been seen by visitors." Congratulations, Playland's Castaway Cove! We're sure we'll see you at next year's Webbys!

If you're wanting to visit, just pop over to the page listing the hours of operation, and, um, travel back in time back to May or June, as the park has evidently been closed since then.

And good news for parents! You can have your child's birthday party at Playland's Castaway Cove! But be sure to drink a full day's supply of beverages beforehand, and ensure that no diabetic kids are coming, because cake and cupcakes are allowed, but "No other food or beverage items are permitted!!" No soup for you, and nothing less than eighty percent sugar!

So, thanks, Playland's Castaway Cove! Your utter lack of updates and transparent hostility to anyone hoping to make their child's birthday enjoyable make you this week's ARN&R Site O' the Weak!

Six Flags Literacy Program Huge Success; Children's Financial Management Program Not So Much

Six Flags's participation in the Read to Succeed program has garnered the massive park chain plaudits from enthusiasts, parents, and school administrators alike. The program provides kids with park tickets in connection with how much they read and nearly 400,000 children have taken part.

Somewhat overlooked in the press coverage of the Read to Succeed program has been Six Flags's other children's education program, "Borrow and Spend to Make More Money." This program, instituted just a year after Premier Parks took over the Six Flags chain, gave junior and senior high school students a chance to follow the chain's planning and expansion efforts throughout much of the 1990s, and has taught thousands how to manage their money just like a major entertainment business. Students were treated to visits to corporate headquarters, visits from Six Flags accountants, and detailed training about how they could borrow and spend massive amounts of money in an effort to become wealthy and popular.

The program, unfortunately, has not been considered a success. "We had fifteen students in that program," says Leonard Brock, principal of Madison Junior High in the Oklahoma City suburbs, a pilot school for the program. "And thirteen of them had to file for bankruptcy before graduation from high school. The other two only managed to avoid that because they had rich parents."

The problem: all of the kids ran up thousands of dollars on their credit cards, purchasing cars, entertainment systems, DVDs, and vacations. "I just figured that's what Six Flags was doing," says Beth Kerr, one of the bankrupt youngsters. "They kept telling us [in the lectures by visiting Six Flags accountants] about how 'You've gotta spend money to make money!' and how they were spending hundreds of millions of borrowed dollars on rides so that they could make money in the future...but now that I think about it, they were always a little vague about how they'd be making money in the future. Something about funnel cakes, I think."

"They were really very convincing," said Kerr's ninth-grade home economics teacher, Nancy Poe. "They said you could take an ugly and unpopular park -- like, say, Geauga Lake or Jazzland -- and put piles and piles of money into it and you'd make it back in a heartbeat, somehow. And they said you could take an ugly and unpopular person -- like Beth -- and if she spent a lot of money on unnecessary and flashy stuff, she'd make a bunch of money. And become popular, too." Poe walked away, shaking her head.

Neither result has occurred for the young Ms. Kerr. In addition to her bankruptcy filing and subsequent reposession of her Hummer, HDTV-ready 32-inch television, and Versace wardrobe, Kerr remains unpopular outside her circle of French Club friends.