Six Flags Park Receives Garbage Can
New Six Flags chief executive Mark Shapiro has been busy in his new job, touring amusement park facilities and instigating new policies for the chain. Shapiro has promised to make Six Flags parks decidedly more clean, beautiful, and friendly than they have been in recent years, though there have been suspicions in the amusement industry that his pronouncements are nothing more than an attempt to gain some much-needed good publicity, and that Six Flags parks will actually remain the vermin-infested hellholes that they currently are.
Shapiro silenced his critics today with a bold step that showed his new strategy was for real: he purchased a garbage can for Six Flags Elitch Gardens.
"It's our very first one ever," said the park's general manager Kathy Duquesne. "It was so beautiful when it was installed, it practically glowed. This major new installation reconfirms that Six Flags is determined to make our park the centerpiece of its holdings and a flagship property."
Employees of the park were initially confused with the strange new metallic bin when it was placed in front of them. Several poked at it confusedly, scratched themselves, or hooted lightly, while one eventually tried to crawl into it, apparently thinking it was a new form of ticket booth. Shapiro himself, with his trademark can-do spirit, demonstrated to the group how to put plastic bags inside the can and then showed them how nice trash looked when it was placed in the receptacle instead of thrown on the ground.
"I've never seen anything like it," said park manager Bailey Hutchins, 25. "What won't they think of next? That garbage can thingie is going to revolutionize the theme park industry. The only problem for me is that I work at the very back of the park and this new-fangled 'garbage can' will be near the front gate, so I guess I'll have to save up my trash and carry it over there a couple times a day."
Shapiro stated that, if the experiment of purchasing a garbage can for Elitch Gardens led to substantial improvement in sanitation and guest happiness, than one would be added to as many as five or six other Six Flags properties by the end of this season.
Other trial-run improvements Shapiro intends to implement include hiring a guy to clean the Six Flags New England restrooms once per week, running no fewer than 30% of the rides at Six Flags Great Adventure on any given day, and hiring one customer service representative without a history of violent crime for Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Should any of these measures prove beneficial, other parks may soon see similar improvements.
--JCK
Friday, February 03, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Disneyland Pooh Area Delayed Due to Miscommunication
In a rare example of miscommunication between Disney departments, a major typographical error has led to a new children's area slated for Disneyland to be pushed back at least four seasons. The new project was to be a near-copy of Disney World's popular new "Pooh's Playful Spot," a whimsical children's play area themed to Winnie the Pooh and his friends.
The finance- and image-destroying mistake was caused by executives sending a memo from Disney World to the creative design team at Disney Land, requesting a duplicate version of the "Poo Playful Spot." Confused by the request, but not wishing to anger management by bothering them with unnecessary questions, the team created precisely what they were instructed to.
The Poo Playful Spot, featuring fountains of excrement, swings and crawl-through areas covered in excrement, statues of Winnie the Pooh created out of excrement, and sandboxes filled with excrement, was approximately 75% complete when higher-ups toured the construction site and realized the error that had been made. Although the entire area was torn down, vacuumed, fumigated, bleached, and burned, the remaining smell is still claimed by witnesses to be "overpowering." Disney representatives stated that construction on the proper reconstruction of the Pooh area will begin once the aroma has fully dissipated; although unwilling to provide an exact timeline, they hoped to begin work on the project in early 2009.
--JCK
In a rare example of miscommunication between Disney departments, a major typographical error has led to a new children's area slated for Disneyland to be pushed back at least four seasons. The new project was to be a near-copy of Disney World's popular new "Pooh's Playful Spot," a whimsical children's play area themed to Winnie the Pooh and his friends.
The finance- and image-destroying mistake was caused by executives sending a memo from Disney World to the creative design team at Disney Land, requesting a duplicate version of the "Poo Playful Spot." Confused by the request, but not wishing to anger management by bothering them with unnecessary questions, the team created precisely what they were instructed to.
The Poo Playful Spot, featuring fountains of excrement, swings and crawl-through areas covered in excrement, statues of Winnie the Pooh created out of excrement, and sandboxes filled with excrement, was approximately 75% complete when higher-ups toured the construction site and realized the error that had been made. Although the entire area was torn down, vacuumed, fumigated, bleached, and burned, the remaining smell is still claimed by witnesses to be "overpowering." Disney representatives stated that construction on the proper reconstruction of the Pooh area will begin once the aroma has fully dissipated; although unwilling to provide an exact timeline, they hoped to begin work on the project in early 2009.
--JCK
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Overdrawn at the Jerk Bank
For our Site O' the Weak, we were just going to throw up the dreadful proof that the American educational system has utterly failed, but something leaner came along. Actually, it wasn't leaner; more like drunker, more racist, and intensely stupid. Yes, it's NoGodForMe up to his usual obnoxious self, spewing tiresome garbage from every orifice. Welcome to yet another Site O' the Weak honor, dude. You've been up here so many times we're going to have to start calling it the Robert Viands Career Achievement Memorial Site O' the Weak one of these days.
Incidentally, this RRC thread, aside from providing a lectern for dunderheaded bigots, features a pretty funny exchange where another poster gets busted by a Holiday World rep after announcing plans to take POV footage of their new coaster. D'oh!
--JCK
[Editor's Note: Just for shits and/or giggles, if you can tell us the science fiction author who wrote the story the headline of this article references, you get a free cookie. Actually, screw that. You'll all just cheat and look it up on the internet. No cookies. Sorry.]
For our Site O' the Weak, we were just going to throw up the dreadful proof that the American educational system has utterly failed, but something leaner came along. Actually, it wasn't leaner; more like drunker, more racist, and intensely stupid. Yes, it's NoGodForMe up to his usual obnoxious self, spewing tiresome garbage from every orifice. Welcome to yet another Site O' the Weak honor, dude. You've been up here so many times we're going to have to start calling it the Robert Viands Career Achievement Memorial Site O' the Weak one of these days.
Incidentally, this RRC thread, aside from providing a lectern for dunderheaded bigots, features a pretty funny exchange where another poster gets busted by a Holiday World rep after announcing plans to take POV footage of their new coaster. D'oh!
--JCK
[Editor's Note: Just for shits and/or giggles, if you can tell us the science fiction author who wrote the story the headline of this article references, you get a free cookie. Actually, screw that. You'll all just cheat and look it up on the internet. No cookies. Sorry.]
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Six Flags Moves to Broadway
(ARN&R) -- Six Flags, Inc., the well-known international theme park chain, has just announced it is moving its corporate headquarters to New York City to take advantage of, as Chief Executive Mark Shapiro said, the ability to "promote the brand in a leading center of entertainment, media and finance."
ARN&R today learned that Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, who engineered a takeover of the chain, has been in negotiations with well-known songwriter Stephen Schwartz to bring "Six Flags: The Musical" to Broadway.
Shapiro confirmed this in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "It seemed the perfect time, with Disney owning an entire city block near 42nd Street, to bring true family amusements to life in the most famous theatrical district in the world."
Snyder wrote the libretto for the musical himself, and is purportedly very excited to be working with the legendary Schwartz, who will write the music. The story will revolve around the exploits of a guest at a Six Flags park, played by ESPN commentator Scoop Jackson, who brings his family to spend a fun-filled day only to discover that the Wizard of Burke has taken over the park and populated it with Looney Tunes characters.
Jackson, in a spectacular series of chorus and dance numbers, must challenge the Looney Tunes characters to a battery of Xtreme Sports contests. And as expected, it's a happy ending as all the tired cartoon characters are handily defeated in comically violent ways and replaced by the much-beloved Disney characters. The finale features Jackson waltzing with Goofy to a show-stopping number entitled, "Be a Sport at Six Flags."
The show is expected to be an even bigger smash than their Mr. Six campaign. (In fact, the Wizard of Burke himself will be played by the elder Six Flags representative and will have to fight Jackson in a climactic nunchuck battle.) Shapiro fully expects the Broadway smash to be turned into a flop movie. "We're in New York now," he declared, "and we want to strictly follow the grand tradition of Broadway."
Shapiro noted that, in keeping with current Six Flags policy, all snacks at the concession stand will be double their usual price and once audience members enter the theater they will not be allowed to leave until the very end. Additionally, a sullen teenager will be a seemingly immobile bathroom "attendant" in the theater. "We want to make sure our guest experience is a quality one," he said, holding back a laugh.
--JRD
(ARN&R) -- Six Flags, Inc., the well-known international theme park chain, has just announced it is moving its corporate headquarters to New York City to take advantage of, as Chief Executive Mark Shapiro said, the ability to "promote the brand in a leading center of entertainment, media and finance."
ARN&R today learned that Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, who engineered a takeover of the chain, has been in negotiations with well-known songwriter Stephen Schwartz to bring "Six Flags: The Musical" to Broadway.
Shapiro confirmed this in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "It seemed the perfect time, with Disney owning an entire city block near 42nd Street, to bring true family amusements to life in the most famous theatrical district in the world."
Snyder wrote the libretto for the musical himself, and is purportedly very excited to be working with the legendary Schwartz, who will write the music. The story will revolve around the exploits of a guest at a Six Flags park, played by ESPN commentator Scoop Jackson, who brings his family to spend a fun-filled day only to discover that the Wizard of Burke has taken over the park and populated it with Looney Tunes characters.
Jackson, in a spectacular series of chorus and dance numbers, must challenge the Looney Tunes characters to a battery of Xtreme Sports contests. And as expected, it's a happy ending as all the tired cartoon characters are handily defeated in comically violent ways and replaced by the much-beloved Disney characters. The finale features Jackson waltzing with Goofy to a show-stopping number entitled, "Be a Sport at Six Flags."
The show is expected to be an even bigger smash than their Mr. Six campaign. (In fact, the Wizard of Burke himself will be played by the elder Six Flags representative and will have to fight Jackson in a climactic nunchuck battle.) Shapiro fully expects the Broadway smash to be turned into a flop movie. "We're in New York now," he declared, "and we want to strictly follow the grand tradition of Broadway."
Shapiro noted that, in keeping with current Six Flags policy, all snacks at the concession stand will be double their usual price and once audience members enter the theater they will not be allowed to leave until the very end. Additionally, a sullen teenager will be a seemingly immobile bathroom "attendant" in the theater. "We want to make sure our guest experience is a quality one," he said, holding back a laugh.
--JRD
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Six Flags Debuts New Proposal: "Forced Re-Entry"
Following the dismal failure of their proposed "no re-entry" plan, Six Flags has countered with an idea that appears to go in the opposite direction: "forced re-entry."
Faced with market data that shows that most consumers do not return for subsequent visits after one trip to their notoriously poorly maintained, overpriced and understaffed parks, Six Flags has decided to offer a "forced re-entry" discount for park goers who are arriving at the gates for the first time.
Unsuspecting first time park visitors will be offered a $15 discount -- reducing most one-day park passes to around $65 (or $20 with a Jolt Cola can) -- and a free meal at "Del Rio Waffle Cone" so long as they sign a contract obligating them to return to Six Flags at one other point during the season. In the likely event that the park-goer swears to never return to a Six Flags park after his or her nightmarish day of closed rides; multiple hour wait times; rude and psychotic employees; and absurdist "theming" that bears a remarkable resemblance to miles of pavement, graffiti, and garbage; the contract will be fulfilled by having several of the Six Flags security staff going to the park-goer's home later in the season and forcing that person's family, most likely with physical violence, to return to the park with the order to "have fun." Faced with such an impossible task, Six Flags is predicting a suicide rate for "forced re-entry" guests of approximately 75%, but, on the upside, only after the family has paid for the second day's re-admission and is already in the park and has likely been forced to purchase at least one meal.
Six Flags hopes this new "forced re-entry" plan will work as well as it did for the Washington Redskins, who implemented the plan in the mid-nineties, leading to a 32% increase in late season attendance and a 15% rise in per capita suicide rates for the District of Columbia.
--MOS
Following the dismal failure of their proposed "no re-entry" plan, Six Flags has countered with an idea that appears to go in the opposite direction: "forced re-entry."
Faced with market data that shows that most consumers do not return for subsequent visits after one trip to their notoriously poorly maintained, overpriced and understaffed parks, Six Flags has decided to offer a "forced re-entry" discount for park goers who are arriving at the gates for the first time.
Unsuspecting first time park visitors will be offered a $15 discount -- reducing most one-day park passes to around $65 (or $20 with a Jolt Cola can) -- and a free meal at "Del Rio Waffle Cone" so long as they sign a contract obligating them to return to Six Flags at one other point during the season. In the likely event that the park-goer swears to never return to a Six Flags park after his or her nightmarish day of closed rides; multiple hour wait times; rude and psychotic employees; and absurdist "theming" that bears a remarkable resemblance to miles of pavement, graffiti, and garbage; the contract will be fulfilled by having several of the Six Flags security staff going to the park-goer's home later in the season and forcing that person's family, most likely with physical violence, to return to the park with the order to "have fun." Faced with such an impossible task, Six Flags is predicting a suicide rate for "forced re-entry" guests of approximately 75%, but, on the upside, only after the family has paid for the second day's re-admission and is already in the park and has likely been forced to purchase at least one meal.
Six Flags hopes this new "forced re-entry" plan will work as well as it did for the Washington Redskins, who implemented the plan in the mid-nineties, leading to a 32% increase in late season attendance and a 15% rise in per capita suicide rates for the District of Columbia.
--MOS
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Stratosphere Tower Announces New Hirings
Citing "catastrophic damage" caused by teens flocking to the amusements at the summit of the Las Vegas landmark Stratosphere Tower, representatives of the building announced today that they would be hiring an additional 5000 employees to be assigned to the janitorial staff. Approximately 500 of the new cleaning staff will augment current staff whose duties include maintaining the building's elevators, restaurants, and common hallways, while the remaining approximately 4500 will serve solely at the top of the Stratosphere in the newly rechristened "Triple Thrills" amusement zone.
"This revitalized thrill zone has, frankly, been a catastrophe for the Stratosphere," said Supervising V.P. of Public Indoctrination Harold Coetzee. "I must admit, we specifically angled only to the teen audience with our new ride area name and marketing. In fact, we're pretty sure that the phallic imagery inherent in our 1,149-foot engorged priapus of a building was already subliminally attracting youngsters to our facility."
"However, it may be that we overdid it with that marketing campaign," he added. "When we ordered visitors to 'Get Down, Get Up, and Get Off,' we just didn't consider how literal-minded teens are, nor the fact that they are always incredibly horny."
Current cleaning crew members have reported being utterly overwhelmed by an assault of bodily fluids from visitors. "Just when I've cleaned up one puddle of semen, another couple gets down," complained an employee who asked not to be named. "And it's just disgusting how much they are all getting off all over the rides and the loading platforms. I'm the one who has to clean that mess up, and naturally I'm the one who will be blamed if someone slips in some spooge and goes flying off the side of the building. I didn't sign on to this place to be a damn jizz mopper."
Coetzee noted that the new rush of employees would stem the tide of the problem. "With this many janitors available on the top of the building, we know that there will always be enough crew on hand with some paper towels, a mop, and some Windex, ready to whisk away any unsightly servings of Man Mole that splatter on the walkways and railings."
When asked why security would allow visible hard-ons, coitus, and epidemic masturbation in a public area, Coetzee chuckled nervously and said, "Well, we painted ourselves into a corner there, didn't we? I mean, it's right there in our advertising that people can get down, get up, or get off. Whether we intended it to be taken that way is not the point; as long as one person believes that it means they can 'make their own Big Shot,' we make ourselves vulnerable to false-advertising lawsuits from those upset that they are being denied something they were promised."
"Hey," he added. "At least we weren't like Lake Compounce a few years back, telling park visitors 'You Will Go Down!' That was just stupid."
--JCK (from an idea by SPS. Actually, it was more like poor SPS sent the link to the advertisement and made fun of how blatantly it was angled at teens, and we really went gross with it, so blame JCK, not him.)
Citing "catastrophic damage" caused by teens flocking to the amusements at the summit of the Las Vegas landmark Stratosphere Tower, representatives of the building announced today that they would be hiring an additional 5000 employees to be assigned to the janitorial staff. Approximately 500 of the new cleaning staff will augment current staff whose duties include maintaining the building's elevators, restaurants, and common hallways, while the remaining approximately 4500 will serve solely at the top of the Stratosphere in the newly rechristened "Triple Thrills" amusement zone.
"This revitalized thrill zone has, frankly, been a catastrophe for the Stratosphere," said Supervising V.P. of Public Indoctrination Harold Coetzee. "I must admit, we specifically angled only to the teen audience with our new ride area name and marketing. In fact, we're pretty sure that the phallic imagery inherent in our 1,149-foot engorged priapus of a building was already subliminally attracting youngsters to our facility."
"However, it may be that we overdid it with that marketing campaign," he added. "When we ordered visitors to 'Get Down, Get Up, and Get Off,' we just didn't consider how literal-minded teens are, nor the fact that they are always incredibly horny."
Current cleaning crew members have reported being utterly overwhelmed by an assault of bodily fluids from visitors. "Just when I've cleaned up one puddle of semen, another couple gets down," complained an employee who asked not to be named. "And it's just disgusting how much they are all getting off all over the rides and the loading platforms. I'm the one who has to clean that mess up, and naturally I'm the one who will be blamed if someone slips in some spooge and goes flying off the side of the building. I didn't sign on to this place to be a damn jizz mopper."
Coetzee noted that the new rush of employees would stem the tide of the problem. "With this many janitors available on the top of the building, we know that there will always be enough crew on hand with some paper towels, a mop, and some Windex, ready to whisk away any unsightly servings of Man Mole that splatter on the walkways and railings."
When asked why security would allow visible hard-ons, coitus, and epidemic masturbation in a public area, Coetzee chuckled nervously and said, "Well, we painted ourselves into a corner there, didn't we? I mean, it's right there in our advertising that people can get down, get up, or get off. Whether we intended it to be taken that way is not the point; as long as one person believes that it means they can 'make their own Big Shot,' we make ourselves vulnerable to false-advertising lawsuits from those upset that they are being denied something they were promised."
"Hey," he added. "At least we weren't like Lake Compounce a few years back, telling park visitors 'You Will Go Down!' That was just stupid."
--JCK (from an idea by SPS. Actually, it was more like poor SPS sent the link to the advertisement and made fun of how blatantly it was angled at teens, and we really went gross with it, so blame JCK, not him.)
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Are Any of Our Readers Actually Hoping to Read Amusement Industry Satire?
That's the question of the day after we idly browsed our logfiles last night after not thinking to do so for a while. The answer appears to be a resounding "F*ck no!" according to the evidence.
The top search phrase used to find our website the past four months, by an overwhelming margin, has been "hairy boys." We've also been reached numerous times by people looking for "gay speedo," "squeal like a pig," and "boys restroom."
Recently, people who appear to be very confused about what type of website they're looking for have come across us by Googling for "erotic massage" and "anal sexy." Sorry you folks didn't find anything to jerk yourselves to, but we hope you'll return to find out some more fake news involving Six Flags. Oh, and speaking of jerking it, there was also a weird direct link from a website devoted to instructing people on how to use shower heads for better masturbation. No, we're not kidding. There's no way we could make up something that weird. As a courtesy to our readers, we won't provide you with a link back to said site, since we don't know how good your spyware filters are.
Unsurprisingly, there were also a few non-sexual odd search strings as well. We've got some people inquiring about "Top Thrill Dragster picture of girl pee after ride," and then we have several more hits for "pimp Mickey Mouse," which we don't even pretend to understand.
And, amazingly, we beat out nearly every science-based website on the planet when someone searched Google for "ligand rumors." If anyone would like to cite us in a scholarly biological, medical or immunological publication, please contact us at the email address to the left; if not, you may wish to try Pubmed instead.
--JCK
That's the question of the day after we idly browsed our logfiles last night after not thinking to do so for a while. The answer appears to be a resounding "F*ck no!" according to the evidence.
The top search phrase used to find our website the past four months, by an overwhelming margin, has been "hairy boys." We've also been reached numerous times by people looking for "gay speedo," "squeal like a pig," and "boys restroom."
Recently, people who appear to be very confused about what type of website they're looking for have come across us by Googling for "erotic massage" and "anal sexy." Sorry you folks didn't find anything to jerk yourselves to, but we hope you'll return to find out some more fake news involving Six Flags. Oh, and speaking of jerking it, there was also a weird direct link from a website devoted to instructing people on how to use shower heads for better masturbation. No, we're not kidding. There's no way we could make up something that weird. As a courtesy to our readers, we won't provide you with a link back to said site, since we don't know how good your spyware filters are.
Unsurprisingly, there were also a few non-sexual odd search strings as well. We've got some people inquiring about "Top Thrill Dragster picture of girl pee after ride," and then we have several more hits for "pimp Mickey Mouse," which we don't even pretend to understand.
And, amazingly, we beat out nearly every science-based website on the planet when someone searched Google for "ligand rumors." If anyone would like to cite us in a scholarly biological, medical or immunological publication, please contact us at the email address to the left; if not, you may wish to try Pubmed instead.
--JCK
Monday, January 23, 2006
Total In Your Face Site O' the Weak
We had plenty of options to choose from when debating our Site O' the Weak this time around. Should we mock the loser who got picked on by a Men in Black ride op? Or, since we spend so much time picking on enthusiasts, should we instead turn our sights on hapless members of the general public?
Oh, very well, twist our arms. The general public it is. And our target today is the food service section of the Disney World & Orlando Unofficial Guide. Actually, we should clarify that: it's not the Unofficial Guide itself that deserves any scorn. This website actually has a considerable amount of useful information for people visiting Orlando. However, some of the public-submitted reviews posted in the restaurant guide are hilarious, and it's specifically those that get the backs of our hands. Here's a sampling:
I hate hotdogs, but i'll only eat them here cause they are to die for. There so juicy and big, the incredable.
I almost cried when I first tried my burger it was so amazing. I think it is one of the best restaurants in all of magic kingdom. You get to choise all of your own toppins, so its all good.
And our favorite:
I wanted to go here cause i've loved pinochio since i waz a baby. And when we were on its a small world we say a restaurant way way up and people waving to us. We said we had to go there. So we did, and guess what! it waz pinochio. I waz thriled. I suggest you buy the figaro fries. They have bacon, cheesse, lettuce, and tomato, and they were to die for. And they did go easy on anything. It waz a total in your face how good it is meal. And my mom had a pasta salad she said waz good. 2 thumbs way up!
Overpriced weeks-old slop goes great with preschool-level writing skills, doesn't it?
--JCK
We had plenty of options to choose from when debating our Site O' the Weak this time around. Should we mock the loser who got picked on by a Men in Black ride op? Or, since we spend so much time picking on enthusiasts, should we instead turn our sights on hapless members of the general public?
Oh, very well, twist our arms. The general public it is. And our target today is the food service section of the Disney World & Orlando Unofficial Guide. Actually, we should clarify that: it's not the Unofficial Guide itself that deserves any scorn. This website actually has a considerable amount of useful information for people visiting Orlando. However, some of the public-submitted reviews posted in the restaurant guide are hilarious, and it's specifically those that get the backs of our hands. Here's a sampling:
I hate hotdogs, but i'll only eat them here cause they are to die for. There so juicy and big, the incredable.
I almost cried when I first tried my burger it was so amazing. I think it is one of the best restaurants in all of magic kingdom. You get to choise all of your own toppins, so its all good.
And our favorite:
I wanted to go here cause i've loved pinochio since i waz a baby. And when we were on its a small world we say a restaurant way way up and people waving to us. We said we had to go there. So we did, and guess what! it waz pinochio. I waz thriled. I suggest you buy the figaro fries. They have bacon, cheesse, lettuce, and tomato, and they were to die for. And they did go easy on anything. It waz a total in your face how good it is meal. And my mom had a pasta salad she said waz good. 2 thumbs way up!
Overpriced weeks-old slop goes great with preschool-level writing skills, doesn't it?
--JCK
Friday, January 20, 2006
Six Flags Announces Division in Charge of Making New Divisions
Six Flags (NYSE:PKS) announced today that it has formed a new Divisions Division to enhance and evolve its new Executive naming, hiring and announcing strategies.
Martin Stevenson III has been named Senior VP of Press Releases. Mr. Stevenson has extensive experience at (anybody wanna guess?) ESPN-Disney. He strategically planned over 10,000 press releases and interviews that said lots and lots of abso-freaking-lutely nothing, leaving readers both strategically puzzled and slightly annoyed. "And he’ll make sure no one will EVER be quoted in Crony...whoops, Executive Hiring releases but me," chortled new CEO Mark Shapiro.
Luigi "Fat Knuckles" Marconi has been named Executive Senior VP of Strategic Divestitures. Mr. Marconi has vast experience in a number of totally and completely legitimate businesses. His focus will be former executives' exit planning: Out the door, the window, or--if it’s gotta be like that--with the fishies. Reporting to him will be just about no one who likes staying healthy.
Jack Kemp has been named Chief Golden Parachute Officer. No one knows exactly what he’ll be doing, but what the hell. He’s Jack Kemp!
Senior Chief Executives of Superlatives, Culinary Planning (hey, somebody’s gotta go fetch lunch!) and Just Plain Not Sucking will be named in a future press release. Unless, of course, says Shapiro, "we need a new Division to handle that instead. You just never know."
--CO
Six Flags (NYSE:PKS) announced today that it has formed a new Divisions Division to enhance and evolve its new Executive naming, hiring and announcing strategies.
Martin Stevenson III has been named Senior VP of Press Releases. Mr. Stevenson has extensive experience at (anybody wanna guess?) ESPN-Disney. He strategically planned over 10,000 press releases and interviews that said lots and lots of abso-freaking-lutely nothing, leaving readers both strategically puzzled and slightly annoyed. "And he’ll make sure no one will EVER be quoted in Crony...whoops, Executive Hiring releases but me," chortled new CEO Mark Shapiro.
Luigi "Fat Knuckles" Marconi has been named Executive Senior VP of Strategic Divestitures. Mr. Marconi has vast experience in a number of totally and completely legitimate businesses. His focus will be former executives' exit planning: Out the door, the window, or--if it’s gotta be like that--with the fishies. Reporting to him will be just about no one who likes staying healthy.
Jack Kemp has been named Chief Golden Parachute Officer. No one knows exactly what he’ll be doing, but what the hell. He’s Jack Kemp!
Senior Chief Executives of Superlatives, Culinary Planning (hey, somebody’s gotta go fetch lunch!) and Just Plain Not Sucking will be named in a future press release. Unless, of course, says Shapiro, "we need a new Division to handle that instead. You just never know."
--CO
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Theming Details of Patriot Revealed
Coaster enthusiasts and the general amusement-park visiting public of Kansas/Missouri were flush with excitement after the announcement by Kansas City-area Worlds of Fun that the park would debut a new Bolliger & Mabillard-designed inverted steel coaster called Patriot in 2006. Now the expectations for the ride will be raised a degree, as Worlds of Fun today revealed plans for the theming of the ride, as well as the surprise that "Patriot" was only part of the name for the attraction.
The full name will be "Patriot Whine."
"Most people assumed Worlds of Fun was just trying to draw red-blooded Americans into the gates with a USA-themed ride," said WOF Customer Relations Undersecretary Beatrice Colvin. "In actuality, the coaster will be themed to the fact that the New England Patriots and their fans are a bunch of sorry-ass whining crybabies who can't accept a butt-whupping with any dignity."
The coaster will be the culmination of a story-driven multi-sensory thrill experience that offers several different rooms that make use of water and mud special effects, animatronics, 360-degree movies, and other, as-yet-unannounced, forms of stimulation.
As park guests wind their way through the attraction, they will see some of the following:
-The Belichick Hall of Mighty Genius, where, on massive Imax screens accompanied by special effects, Patriots coach Bill Belichick will claim that the Patriots only lost their playoff game against the Denver Broncos because the refs cheated and made a bunch of bad calls against his team. He will also refuse to do some simple math equations that show the refs made one idiotic pass interference penalty against Asante Samuel that led to Denver getting 7 gift points, and Denver won by 14 points, meaning the idiotic interference call was not the reason the team was beaten. Belichick will continue whining like a little bitch over the referees even when it is pointed out that the Patriots were able to go to two of their recent Super Bowls as a direct result of two infamous instances of referee idiocy against the teams that the Pats were playing: the Tuck Play (2002) against the Raiders and the refs allowing the Patriot D to pretty much grab, hold, tackle, trip, or sodomize any Colt receiver from the line of scrimmage up to 50 yards (2004). At no point will Belichick be a man and admit that a better team forced a ton of turnovers and generally pounded his ass.
-The Tom Brady Experience, where an animatronic doll of Tom Brady will be sycophantically fawned over for five years by all the nation's sports reporters, to the point where all of them practically offer on the air to suck his dick whenever it's convenient for him. Then, during the playoffs, he will inexplicably lash out that the media doesn't respect him and The Man is holding him down, and after the loss he will say that Denver only won because the Patriots screwed up and kept dropping the ball, apparently all on their own and not because Denver players kept hitting them really, really hard. Experts who have been allowed to tour the under-construction ride say that the Tom Brady animatronic figure is amazing, and will engage in "astonishingly realistic pouting, whining, and crying."
-Upon boarding the ride, another animatronic figure, this one of linebacker Tedy Bruschi, will leap out and inform riders that they need to "get the f*ck out of my face," after which he will sulk in a corner and sniffle. At this point, passengers will be treated to a high-speed inverted coaster ride with several jaw-dropping loops, while sounds of various Patriots players being very sore losers and throwing shrill temper tantrums are piped in through a state-of-the-art speaker system installed within each coaster car.
Patriot Whine is expected to open along with the rest of Worlds of Fun this April.
--JCK
Coaster enthusiasts and the general amusement-park visiting public of Kansas/Missouri were flush with excitement after the announcement by Kansas City-area Worlds of Fun that the park would debut a new Bolliger & Mabillard-designed inverted steel coaster called Patriot in 2006. Now the expectations for the ride will be raised a degree, as Worlds of Fun today revealed plans for the theming of the ride, as well as the surprise that "Patriot" was only part of the name for the attraction.
The full name will be "Patriot Whine."
"Most people assumed Worlds of Fun was just trying to draw red-blooded Americans into the gates with a USA-themed ride," said WOF Customer Relations Undersecretary Beatrice Colvin. "In actuality, the coaster will be themed to the fact that the New England Patriots and their fans are a bunch of sorry-ass whining crybabies who can't accept a butt-whupping with any dignity."
The coaster will be the culmination of a story-driven multi-sensory thrill experience that offers several different rooms that make use of water and mud special effects, animatronics, 360-degree movies, and other, as-yet-unannounced, forms of stimulation.
As park guests wind their way through the attraction, they will see some of the following:
-The Belichick Hall of Mighty Genius, where, on massive Imax screens accompanied by special effects, Patriots coach Bill Belichick will claim that the Patriots only lost their playoff game against the Denver Broncos because the refs cheated and made a bunch of bad calls against his team. He will also refuse to do some simple math equations that show the refs made one idiotic pass interference penalty against Asante Samuel that led to Denver getting 7 gift points, and Denver won by 14 points, meaning the idiotic interference call was not the reason the team was beaten. Belichick will continue whining like a little bitch over the referees even when it is pointed out that the Patriots were able to go to two of their recent Super Bowls as a direct result of two infamous instances of referee idiocy against the teams that the Pats were playing: the Tuck Play (2002) against the Raiders and the refs allowing the Patriot D to pretty much grab, hold, tackle, trip, or sodomize any Colt receiver from the line of scrimmage up to 50 yards (2004). At no point will Belichick be a man and admit that a better team forced a ton of turnovers and generally pounded his ass.
-The Tom Brady Experience, where an animatronic doll of Tom Brady will be sycophantically fawned over for five years by all the nation's sports reporters, to the point where all of them practically offer on the air to suck his dick whenever it's convenient for him. Then, during the playoffs, he will inexplicably lash out that the media doesn't respect him and The Man is holding him down, and after the loss he will say that Denver only won because the Patriots screwed up and kept dropping the ball, apparently all on their own and not because Denver players kept hitting them really, really hard. Experts who have been allowed to tour the under-construction ride say that the Tom Brady animatronic figure is amazing, and will engage in "astonishingly realistic pouting, whining, and crying."
-Upon boarding the ride, another animatronic figure, this one of linebacker Tedy Bruschi, will leap out and inform riders that they need to "get the f*ck out of my face," after which he will sulk in a corner and sniffle. At this point, passengers will be treated to a high-speed inverted coaster ride with several jaw-dropping loops, while sounds of various Patriots players being very sore losers and throwing shrill temper tantrums are piped in through a state-of-the-art speaker system installed within each coaster car.
Patriot Whine is expected to open along with the rest of Worlds of Fun this April.
--JCK
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