Amusement Parks are so Fun!

Yep, it's time, kiddies. We've kicked that hideous holiday ornament website to the curb and hooked you up with a brand-new Site O' the Weak: Carlianne's Hobbies Page. (Carlianne???)

Be patient, as Carlianne's webpage may take quite some time to load if, like certain assistant editors, you still have dial-up. You see, Carlianne is so excited to share all of her hobbies, she put all of them on one endless webpage!

Please join us in experiencing Carlianne's exciting sitting-by-the-fire, shopping, and rubber-stampin' hobbies, hear how she likes "reading about godly romantic love stories, and how to pursue relationships in a way that pleases God," and find out her sister is named "Sharnessa" and sings in a band that everyone should see, "cuz they're REALLY AWESOME...and they TOTALLY love Jesus!"

Of course, it wouldn't make our Site O' the Weak unless it had some amusement parks. Carlianne provides us with exclamation-point-laden descriptions of Wild Waves/ Enchanted Village and West Edmonton Mall ("It was soooo much fun!!!!").

Congratulations Carlianne! You can add "appearing on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors" as one of your six trillion hobbies!

--JCK

Six Flags Stock Prices Leaps on News of Christmas Income

Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PARK) saw its stock price leap some 23% yesterday on news of unexpected income over the holidays.

According to Gary Story, outgoing park chain COO, the company received $25 in cash in a "really cute" holiday card from its great aunt and an additional $35 from its grandmother.

Additionally, Story and Kieran Burke, the chain's CEO, worked part-time over the holdiays at a Hickory Farms mall kiosk, bringing in a total of $645 after taxes. The net to the chain was $623, as Burke lost his uniform and its cost was deducted from his final paycheck.

"This $683 in pure profits is a great sign," said stock analyst Robert Damen of SmithBarneySolomonBurkeKline. "That's approximately, let me do the math, $683 more in profits than we've seen from them in years. If the chain stops operating its parks and shifts entirely to relative-sourced income and part-time work involving well-sealed sausages, it might just have a winning strategy. If, however, it continues to pursue the 'amusement park' idea, it's pretty much doomed."

Reports indicate that Story and Burke may pursue a job at an Oklahoma City mall location of Orange Julius, as the Hickory Farms kiosk is a seasonal operation. Burke is reportedly "addicted" to the outlet's "Cocoa Latte Swirls" and has become obsessed with obtaining an employee discount.

Reindeer Attacks Reporter

On Christmas Eve, numerous news sources in the United States carried footage of a pissed-off reindeer assaulting a reporter who had apparently spooked the animal by making a sudden movement while doing on on-air segment for an Alaska television station. What was only just discovered was that the reporter also provoked the reindeer beforehand with inflammatory taunts.

"It was just a shameless attempt to encourage a Santa-beast to tackle and molest me on TV," a contrite Meghan Stapleton told ARN&R in a private interview today. "I just wanted some ratings. I mean, I have to work in Alaska, for crying out loud. I snapped. Sorry."

ARN&R then learned from Stapleton that her statements to "Blitzen" were indeed caustic and insulting, and certainly were largely responsible for the assault by cloven hoof. "I figured it would have to cut deep if I were to get the reindeer to make a spectacle for the cameras," said Stapleton with a shrug. "So I whispered that I knew he loved Vekoma Boomerangs and that Raging Wolf Bobs was his favorite wood coaster. Man, he went ape-s**t."

"I mean deer-s**t," Stapleton corrected, after a moment.

Stapleton's affiliate has not thus far announced any disciplinary measures for the reporter's baiting of an interviewee.

--JCK

Santa: Rudy's Rapid Transit a "Pathetic Imitation of a Sleigh Ride With Me"

Earlier today, Santa Claus took time off from a busy schedule of toy-making and coal-firing to denounce Rudy's Rapid Transit, a family roller coaster at Santa's Village, a small park in New Hampshire.

"This ride is an utter mockery of my reputation and standing in the community," said the not-so-jolly elf. "This park presents Rudy's Rapid Transit as a themed coaster meant to simulate riding in Santa's sleigh, pulled by Rudolph and the other reindeer. Bah! It's an absolutely pathetic f***ing imitation of the thrilling ride one would actually experience, would one be so fortunate as to ride in the actual sleigh controlled by yours truly. My sleigh ride is faster, taller, more unpredictable, and has f***ing spectacular rooftop landings. This piece of s*** goes like 10 miles an hour in a little figure eight."

"We're more than a little embarrassed," stated Santa's Village manager Geoffrey Bernardo. "Santa just showed up here a few days ago, wanting to ride the coaster. Although we've been closed for the season for some time, and the entire state is freezing cold, we naturally warmed the 'Triple R' up for Santa so he could ride. I mean, it's Santa, for crying out loud."

Apparently, Santa experienced forty minutes of EST (Exclusive Sleigh Time) on the coaster before asking to be let off. "Santa stormed out the front gate without another word," said a frazzled Bernardo. "You'd think he could say 'thank you' at least. We only had myself and a couple security guards here at the time, and we still managed to get it up and running to full speed in bad weather conditions."

Said Santa, "this ride is an abomination. It gives people the impression that I'm some sort of p***y who can't get his reindeer up to a decent speed or engage them in thrilling airborne maneuvers. Let me tell you a**holes something...if that stupid park doesn't take my name off the gate and Rudolph's off that dumb coaster, I swear I'll go Silent Night, Deadly Night on their asses! Boo-ya!"

--JCK

Site O' the Weak Redux

That stupid ornament site from last week was really the pits, wasn't it? In fact, it's so obnoxious, why don't we leave it there as our Site O' the Weak again?

PS-Okay, so we're really just being lazy. You caught us.

ACEr Forces Family to Drive Through Snowstorm to Stay in Sandusky Hotel

The weather was blizzard-like, with the road barely visible in front of the minivan, and yet ACEr Phil Kiddles insisted that he and his family keep driving until they reached the Hampton Inn in Milan, Ohio, just outside Cedar Point's home of Sandusky. "I just want to see the new Cedar Point brochure [in fact seven months old] and stay within a few miles of the park. Maybe we can see Top Thrill Dragster from the room, too!" exclaimed Kiddles to his exasperated wife and exhausted children.

The family, driving cross-country for the holidays, is used to Kiddles's obsessive behavior, having already endured a bizarre detour supposedly to visit a particularly good Cracker Barrel (in fact an excuse to drive by Kennywood) and his sudden need to urinate when they "happened" to be driving past Six Flags Worlds of Adventure.

Kiddles did not in fact see Cedar Point or any portion thereof while visiting. Only through physical restraint was Kiddles prevented from exiting at the Wisconsin Dells to search for any new coaster construction.

Now staying in Minnesota, sources indicate that Kiddles may "get lost" while driving from Minneapolis to St. Paul and "accidentally" end up driving past Valleyfair!, some twenty miles out of the way in Shakopee.

ACE Poster Selling Like Crazy

Long renowned for its products, ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) has done it again with the Limited Edition ACE 25th Anniversary Poster. Currently only available to ACE members, and only by mail order, the poster has shocked industry analysts by selling several thousand copies to date.

"We figured a few people would buy it," said ACE Merchandise Director Lee Colletti. "After all, people who like roller coasters will buy almost anything about roller coasters, whether it's an ACE jacket, a badly-produced video with annoying hosts, Six Flags crap, or even, God help us all, a Beast thong from Absolutely Reliable's shop. But these numbers of poster purchasers are totally shocking." [Ed. Note: It's not too late for your Christmas shopping! Disgust your mother with a Beast thong! Just $9.99!]

"The chance to step back in time and relive some of the great moments in ACE's twenty-five year history was the key for me," said Al DePantzeu, 45. "I also thought it was time to add a new wall hanging amongst all the old Ratt and Bon Jovi posters I have in my bedroom at my dad's place."

"What ***hole wouldn't buy a one-of-a-kind poster picturing the very people who have made ACE the number one coaster club in the world?" posited Bea O'Problem, 20. "I'm eager to have a poster with loads of photographs of people richer than me who fly all over the world to Coaster Odysseys and such. Four hundred individual ACE members in full magnificent color! I'm crapping my pants just thinkin' about how cool this poster will be, dude!"

And new ACEr Craven Moorhead, 19, knows he has an item worthy of adding to his wall-mounted collection of sexy posters. "I didn't know how I'd top that poster of Jessica Alba from Honey or all those Pamela Anderson Lee pics, but this ACE one is so awesome, I'm sticking right next to my bed! All that hot footage of ACE presidents, committee members and club personalities is mind-boggling enough that I'm sure to have to whap my pud tonight! Twice!"

ACE is so pleased about the outstanding sales of the poster, it is plannning new items for next season. Says Colletti, "We don't know everything yet, but one item we're pleased to announce already is the ACE Executive Committee Swimsuit Calendar. We hope to have the 2005 model in right around IAAPA so we can show it off to all the important amusement industry folks. A certain member has already been showing off his red satin thong, nipple clips, and Zorro mask. We just know once we oil him up and get him to pose in a seductive manner in this outfit, we're going to sell trillions of those calendars!"

--JCK

Happy Festivus

We'll be around some, and not around some. So don't despair if it seems like there aren't a lot of updates, because, well, there won't be a lot of updates.

Happy holidays.

InfoGrames to Release New RCT2 Expansion Pack for 2004

Normally saved for events like E3, InfoGrames announced via their official Roller Coaster Tycoon website that their latest expansion pack to the popular game would be released in February 2004.

"Roller Coaster Tycoon: First Date" is an interactive experience that combines the excitement of playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 2 with learning how to foster a healthy, or really any, relationship. Instead of keeping patrons of a theme park happy by adding restrooms, hiring janitors, and designing top-notch thrill rides, players will have to impress just one member of the opposite sex (or, if set in the options screen, the same sex) on a 'theme park date.' The simulated social experience grants points based on outfits chosen from an interactive clothes matrix, hygiene, date locations, and topics of conversation.

Players choose from a variety of people to date, which is how game difficulty is determined, from Prostitute (the easiest level) to Playmate (the most difficult level.) Throughout the game, players can read on screen the dates thoughts such as "This person will never please me" and "What a cheapskate."

Early word from RCT enthusiasts has been overwhelmingly negative. "I was just finally putting the finishing touches on my dueling racing two-track wooden and inverted coaster, and now I have to learn about things like 'courtesy' and 'speaking about anything besides coasters'?!" exclaimed Bob Jeffress, a Cleveland-area enthusiast fond of using air quotes. "And I never paid attention during the 'human relations' part of health class, so I won't have any idea what to do if the girl actually likes me. I'll never finish this scenario now!"

The expansion pack will hit store shelves on the first Tuesday in February, which will hopefully give lovers of Roller Coaster Tycoon some practice with social interaction before Valentine’s Day.

--MMS

Disney Adds Barf Bags to Small World

Following the news this week that Disney would be installing barf bags on its Mission: Space attraction at EPCOT, industry experts wondered if the trend would continue. It took only a matter of hours before Disney indeed added another ride to its collection of attractions outfitted with Technicolor Yawn Containment Systems. The second ride prepped in this manner is Small World, at the Magic Kingdom.

"Although not all Small World riders have gotten so violently ill that they were forced to waste their groceries in projectile fashion, it does happen more than hourly," said a Disney rep who spoke on condition of anonymity. "In fact, it may surprise people to learn that Small World causes more retching and vomiting than any other ride in any of our Florida parks. Of course, Mission: Space causes physical discomfort and explosive hurling because of its intense G forces, while Small World probably makes guests throw up due to its cloying nature and endless repetition of that hideous banshee-like song."

Cast Members will be trained this week in use of the Technicolor Yawn Containment System, which consists of a high tech "bag" with a "lining" that guests made ill by the saccharine horrors of Small World can "fill" with "gallons of puke" to ease the clean-up after they exit the ride.

--JCK

New Pittsburgh Park to Offer Free Puppies, Liquor, Lodging

The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee.

In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations.

"We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us."

The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation.

Enthusiast chooses Worlds Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration over Gas, Electric

Martin Saugenesel of Duluth, Minnesota is the latest victim in a supraliminal advertising campaign for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, available through an online Christmas Decorations store. Sauganesel, who prides himself on both his coaster enthusiasm and his love of collecting ‘coaster-related Christmas ornaments,’ found the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration after a Google search on ‘roller coaster Christmas’ and was hooked immediately.

“The web page spoke to me – after only a couple of paragraphs, I knew that the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration could help me to spread the joy of Christmas, and roller coasters, to the world!” Martin also wouldn’t let the steep price of $100 deter him from purchasing the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, and skipped paying his utility bills in order to purchase the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. “The love I feel for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration will keep me warm this December,” said the overly optimistic Sauganesel as he contemplated a full-color printout of the World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration.

This is not the first coaster-related ornament to touch the life of this man, a devout member of his local Lutheran church, as well as ACE, Coasterbuzz, and Duluth Organization for Rollercoaster Knowledge, a club he founded with his best friend, Rudy. “I went to my local Hallmark Gold Crown store to purchase the Polar Coaster ornament – I was really lucky, I got to buy the display because there were none in stock. However, the Hallmark store employees did not give the Polar Coaster the respect it deserves – not like the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration website.”

Martin Saugenesel is waiting, in darkness and cold, for his World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration to arrive. “I don’t need heat or electricity – the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is going warm my heart and light my path to the true meaning of Christmas!”

--MMS

[Ed. Note: The World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is also this week's lucky winner of the Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration!]

Thrillnetwork Launches Pretty New Site, Still Has Same Laughably Pathetic 14-Year-Old Users

The online amusement park enthusiast community expressed great excitement recently, as Thrillnetwork launched its new, revamped product. According to a representative of the website, the creators of Thrillnetwork had high hopes for the new layout and content.

"In our past incarnation, we had some problems with lots of horny, stupid teenagers posting completely inane nonsense on the forums," said the rep. "We felt that our redesigned site, with its easy navigability and professional layout, would encourage these wankers to look elsewhere for their useless forum babblings. Sadly, we were wrong."

Heaving a profound sigh, the representative directed reporters to view the following recent pathetic Thrillnetwork forum topics: "age when you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend," "Keep her or dump her???," and "Pray For me Guys. I Need It."

"Damn," added the Thrillnetwork rep.

--The ARN&R Staff

Shocking Spoilers for 24 Revealed

ARN&R has received reports from confidential inside sources that the plotline for the Fox drama 24 will soon take an amazing turn even more shocking than anything that has previously taken place during the show's three-year run.

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According to the source, Jack Bauer (portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland) will suddenly "just become totally f***ing fed up with this bulls***" in an episode to air about three weeks from now. Bauer will suddenly decide that "he's tired of dealing with all this crap, and he needs to relieve some stress with some good scream therapy."

In the episode, Bauer will make a dramatic escape from some horrifying situation against impossible odds, save his idiot daughter from either being kidnapped by someone or eaten by a Tabby kitten (the details are still being finalized), pick up Special Agent Timberlake, and fly in a hijacked jet to join perpetually-stressed President David Palmer for a few hours at Universal Studios, where all can unwind from a tough day of waging war against terrorists. (At a press conference, Palmer will reportedly confuse the press with the cryptic statement "hats for bats!" long enough to slip out the back exit of his hotel in order to get to Universal in time to meet Bauer.) Exit passes and ERT on certain rides will make the evening particularly enjoyable.

"The writers at 24 were brainstorming the other day, and they just sorta figured anyone who had three different days this sh**ty would just throw his hands up and tell everyone to f*** off eventually," said the source. "So then they decided he might just escape and have a nice vacation at a location where the producers could film with ease, and just leave that terrorist-fighting hero garbage to someone else for a few hours for a change."

Our source also reported that dramatic tension would not be lessened with the impromptu theme park vacation, because "there are plenty of ways Bauer's dumbass daughter could get in trouble and have to be saved, even at Universal. She might get kidnapped by petting zoo llamas, or get lost in the bathroom, or even get chased around by horny teenage ACE members who see her in a tight white tank top on a cold day, right after she gets out of the front row of the Jurrasic Park water ride. The possibilities are endless."

--JCK

Enthusiast Has Superb Orgasm

Howard Ferstler, a 50-year-old member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, managed this evening to have an orgasm for the first time in several days. According to Ferstler, this orgasm was amazingly powerful and voluminous. It was also, naturally, the product of self-stimulation.

"I had a horrible weekend," said Ferstler. "I rent a room from this family right down the road from Canobie Lake Park, which enabled me to bring myself explosively to fruition several times every day. I could bash my bald ferret into submission pretty much all morning and afternoon, since the big living room window has a nice view of the dogleg on the Yankee Cannonball just a bit down the street. Also, the people I rent from actually have jobs, so, for many hours each day, that leaves me with a variety of furnitures to sit on, and a wide array of paper products I can choose from when cleaning up the love goo."

Ferstler told ARN&R that the huge New England blizzard created problems for him for several days. "It was horrible," he said. "All that snow, and the high winds. It was a complete mess. I mean, it wasn't a problem for me as far as being in the snow or anything. I don't have a job, I wouldn't be making any coaster trips anyway due to the fact that no parks are open this time of year, and, most importantly, I can order in as much pizza, pork rinds, and biscuit mix as I want online and have it delivered to me. No, my nightmare this weekend was not being able to see Yankee Cannonball at all, which made it really difficult to slap Yul Brynner the high-five!"

The ACEr went on to detail how he had shopped for the perfect house to rent a room from all summer, selecting this one entirely for its "majestic and stimulating view" of one of Ferstler's favorite rides. "From September until last week, I could always see this wonderful bulging mass of wood, and I could reach a climax in mere seconds by doing battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger, while simultaneously gazing upon the gorgeous Yankee Cannonball form thrusting up into the air, glistening with fresh grease. But then all that snow arrived, and the wind swirled the stuff around, and I couldn't see my beautiful coaster at all for the entire weekend. How on Earth could anyone be expected to adequately bitch-slap their little Sith Lord without a good woodie to stare at?"

Ferstler concluded by issuing forth a stern reprimand to the state of New Hampshire. "I don't approve of all this snow they have up here," he said. "I thought it was a pain to go ten rounds with the one-eyed trouser clown back in Georgia. I mean, the place I rented near Lake Winnepesaukah was only close enough that I had to walk six blocks up to a back fence, where I could stare at their woodie while I choked myself into emission, and I got hauled off to jail a few times for some reason, but at least it pretty much never snowed down there."

"That orgasm I had today while looking at Yankee Cannonball and squeezing my toothpaste from the middle of the tube was pretty damn good, though," Ferstler said, gazing with affection toward Canobie Lake's gates.

--JCK

Check Out These Awesome Roller Coasters

Our new Site O' the Weak is the Eric Kevitz Homepage. Eric's front page has some information about surfing and about Costa Rica, and a nice animated file of Garfield that seems to have no purpose whatsoever. Eric also appears to be strangely fixated on his amazing Ford Taurus.

But just having a lame site about all the exciting specs for your car won't get you nominated for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak. Oh, no. For that honor, a website must suck and also reference the amusement industry in some fashion. Fortunately, Eric has a fantastic Montanas Rusas web page to fulfill our exacting requirements. On this excellent page, visitors can note that the webmaster thinks both Alpengeist and Apollo's Chariot are "awesome roller coasters," while providing a link to stories about these rides at Thrillride.

Yep. That's it.

--JCK

ARN&R Staff Still Alive

We've been receiving an onslaught of mail here at the Absolutely Reliable Mail Room, inquiring whether everything is okay, seeing as we didn't post any material from Wedensday morning until late this afternoon. Well, okay, one person sent an email asking if we were alive. Just one. We can tell how much you care. It's touching, really.

But yes, we are fine. One of the editors is still busying himself with work down in the sumptious glory of Mississippi, while the other one was just in Vermont for the last several days, with his car buried under snow drifts as tall as him, blockaded by a veritable wall of nature from getting to any public computers and amusing the snowbound masses with witty articles about gravy and masturbation. Or something.

But we can only be restrained for so long. The Editor in Chief left a nice new article for you today, and the Assistant Editor is back in force as of late this evening. And he'll be trying to find a way to write an amusement park story that also includes a scathing missive about how much Vermont sucks moist donkey balls when it comes to keeping its stupid highways sanded and plowed properly.

--JCK

Stengel Hall of Fame Cap Announcement Upcoming

The amusement industry will be looking on with great anticipation this Friday, as the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) will announce which team cap Werner Stengel's plaque will bear when he is inducted into the IAAPA Hall of Fame later this season.

Fans of amusement rides everywhere were ecstatic with the announcement, at this year's IAAPA in November, that Stengel had received the requisite number of votes from the Amusement Writers Association of America (AWAA), meaning the veteran designer would finally receive the recognition many feel he deserves by having his plaque hung in the Mighty Hall of Designers.

"The Wernster should have been in the Hall long ago," said ESPN's Trey Wingo, a Stengel supporter. "I can't believe it took six years of eligibility for this giant figure in the world of amusement rides to be voted in by the writers. But at least he did get in, and he should bask in the glow of a fulfilling career."

Somewhat tainting the thrill of seeing Stengel inducted was the flap created earlier this week, when the designer told reporters he "would not show up for the induction ceremony unless I go in as an Intamin player." This apparently stems both from Stengel's love of the organization where he made much of his good name and most superior designs, as well as the hatred he has for his former organization, the Boston Red Sox.

"Stengel felt that he had given many years of outstanding professional service to the Sox, designing through pain and loyally sticking it out through tough years," notes Wingo. "But then former General Manager Dan Duquette refused to make Stengel an offer to stay on, calling him 'washed up,' 'in the twilight of his career,' and 'venturing into Toomer territory.' Stengel felt the Sox were disrespecting him and he's never forgiven them for it. I feel sorry for the flap that's been created by Wernie's comments, but I can't say I blame him."

The IAAPA Hall of Fame has the final say in what cap inductees are pictured wearing on their caps. The announcement of the final design of Stengel’s Hall of Fame plaque comes this Friday at 3:00 PM, while the Hall of Fame inductions will actually take place on December 18th.

--JCK

Welcome!

Hope all you "wedgie photos" fans found what you were looking for.

X Declared Art

Six Flags Magic Mountain has proudly announced that its revolutionary roller coaster, X, has been designated a work of art by the National Foundation for the Humanities.

Vladimir Glasnow, spokesman for the NFH, said the decision was an easy one for the renowned organization to make. "We have several criteria we apply to objects that we are considering," he said. "First, it must be revolutionary. This gravity device certainly is that. Second, it must have tremendous visual impact. Naturally, anyone who has seen the remarkable color scheme of this device and its innovative use of curvilinear patterns will agree that there is nothing in the world quite like it. Thirdly, a work of art must bring the viewer closer to a sense of spirituality. Certainly, everyone who had ridden this device has claimed to have experienced nirvana."

Kieran Burke, President of Six Flags Corporation, was clearly pleased with the designation. "Six Flags prides itself on innovation. We are honored that such a distinguished organization has recognized our leadership in providing a quality experience for our guests."

This is the first time an amusement device has been declared a work of art. Alan Schilke, the designer of the ride that was built by S & S Power, Inc., of Logan, Utah, remarked, "We in the industry have known all along that there is an inherent beauty in any well-designed ride. Since X is probably the only thing I will ever be known for in my life, I'm glad that my genius has been acknowledged."

Melanie Craft, a longtime member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the largest roller coaster group in the world, was extremely pleased. "ACE worked long and hard to bring this coaster to the attention of the NFH. Maintenance costs have been so high that we were afraid the ride would be torn down. Since it doesn't operate too often, many ACErs would never get a chance to ride it. By having it designated a work of art, Six Flags can know that there's enormous value in having hundreds of tons of gorgeous pink and yellow iron just sitting there quietly for people to admire."

The NFH has recommended that a full-scale replica of the ride be housed in the Smithsonian Institute. Six Flags Magic Mountain generously offered to give the Smithsonian its actual ride, if the museum would pay for the dismantling and transport.

"This is an extremely generous offer," said the Institute's marketing director Beryl Handy. "However, due to space restrictions we probably could only take one of the trains that they never use."

When asked whether any other amusement rides might be considered for recognition by the NFH, Glasnow responded, "X is an exception, certainly unique in the world. But we wouldn't rule it out." Craft had her own nomination: "Chance Toboggan's are dope! The sinuous trackage and the retro-50s look make them a shoe-in!"

--JRD

Why Do You Hate My Eyes?

Yes, it's Site O' the Weak time again, kiddies. And this week we celebrate Anthony's Wildwood Boardwalk Super Site. Before viewing this website, be sure you know exactly where everything is in your house or apartment, because your eyes will completely shut down and refuse to process any information for a good three hours upon witnessing this site, just to spite you for your insolence.

We're pretty sure that a front page written in lime green, with blinky yellow things separating sections of text, is a really bad idea. We're also fairly certain that most people would frown upon the monstrous combination of green and blue text over black background and graphics to the left side of the page. And also the abundance of flashing, glowing, and rotating items. And, heck, maybe even the "Midway Pier" section written in blood red over a vibrant magenta background. But maybe not...it is a "SUPER" site, after all.

Alert readers with no fear of retinal scarring will note the following instructions: "Please do not copy, or use the photos or graphics from this site!" No worries, mate. No worries.

--JCK

Six Flags Corporation Enters Deal with Homeland Security

In an unprecedented move, Six Flags Corporation has announced an exclusive contract with the United States government, specifically the Department of Homeland Security, to take charge of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. In recent months U.S. relations with the tiny communist country have been strained, and the military had been looking for another place to house the suspected terrorists.

Six Flags came to the rescue yesterday by announcing that it would house all of the nearly 600 detainees at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland. "We figured with the government trying to privatize everything from transportation to education, the time was ripe for one of America's most prominent business to help in the war on terrorism," said the park's Operations Manager Jeremiah Charmichael. "We have the perfect setting right here for detaining people indefinitely."

More impressive is that the park will remain open to the public during the normal season. "This should be a great opportunity to increase Park throughput," Charmichael claimed. "We'll have the detainees caged on a platform near our popular Superman roller coaster. Our guests will be encouraged to show their true American colors by jeering at the helpless prisoners, hurling insults and spitting upon them." Charmichael smiled. "There's nothing more American than inflicting misery onto others. Six Flags prides itself in being a world leader in this area."

To insure that neighboring communities are safe from any security threat, Charmichael said that the corporation will need only a modest investment in razor wire to surround the park grounds. S&S Power, Inc., has been contracted to build four observation towers where specially trained Six Flags security officers will stand guard with high-powered rifles.

"We want to stress," continued Charmichael, "that guests will continue to experience the same quality and safe Six Flags experience that they've come to expect at our park."

After the park has closed to the public, government agents will arrive to resume interrogating the detainees. "Some of their methods have not been as effective as they would have liked," stated Charmichael, referring to the agents. "We here at Six Flags America are in a unique position to offer serious persuasion to the detainees."

Uncooperative detainees will be able to experience the park's Mind Eraser for twelve hours non-stop. Other persuasion devices at the park include the Rodeo, Riddle Me This and the Octopus. "The possibilities are endless!" said a beaming Charmichael.

"Can you imagine what progress we'd make on the war on terror if we placed a detainee on Two Face for hours on end sitting opposite two ACE members who just had an all-you-can-eat buffet? I'm no military expert, but I'd say we'd have this war on terror licked in no time!" Additionally, the detainees will not be allowed to purchase Fast Passes to board the rides.

"They'll have to wait in line like everyone else. The two-hour queues will give them time to think about their actions and repent the error of their ways."

For its contribution, Six Flags Corporation will be eligible to receive matching government funds to assist in its ride relocation programs.

"It's a win-win situation all around," Charmichael proclaimed. "The United States asserts its status as a world leader in the fight against terrorism, and Six Flags continues its proud tradition of providing unique guest experiences."

--JRD

Special Holiday Rerun

There might be plenty of updates over the next two or three days here, but considering the strong possibility of certain ARN&R editors being in Mississippi and certain other ones spending most of the rest of the week either intoxicated or in the midst of a savage food coma, we figured we'd give you a special rerun just in case.

Enthusiast Has Wretched Holiday

According to self-described “coasterholic” Pete Brody, 28, his Thanksgiving holiday with his family was “a complete waste.” The jobless member of ACE, Coaster Zombies, and nearly a dozen online coaster clubs, failed “miserably” in his efforts to direct the Thanksgiving conversation to amusement parks and roller coasters.

“You’d think we might talk about something interesting when the whole fam gets together,” whined Brody. “I even did some things to stimulate conversation about my interests, like leaving the computer’s browser on Thrillnetwork, wearing my European Coaster Odyssey t-shirt to dinner, and leaving 20 or 30 onboard coaster photos lying around, but it didn’t work.”

Brody was most upset that his family seemed more interested in the “stupid crap” that his siblings had been involved in. His older brother Michael is an advertising executive who recently became engaged to an Olympic gymnast, his sister Cynthia placed second in the Van Cliburn Piano Competition, and his other sister Marcia just returned from a two-year Peace Corps mission helping to provide medical care for disease-ravaged Ugandans.

“I do important things, too,” declared Brody. “I mean, I rode my 242nd coaster on the Coaster Odyssey…a really good SLC. I make lots of important posts to ThemeParkCritic.com that everyone says are really good. I send off a job application a couple times a year, mostly to S&S and Intamin for design positions. And I came all the way here just to be with my family, so you’d think they could notice me,” the exasperated enthusiast stated, waving his hand toward the basement steps in his parents’ house, which he had successfully negotiated all the way from his well-worn mattress up to the first floor.

“Did anyone care what I think about CCI shutting down? Did anyone ask about my top ten suspended coasters? Did a single family member inquire whether I’d enjoy modeling my newly monogrammed ACE jacket for them? No, no, and no. We have to go on for hours about piano recitals and wedding arrangements. And especially Marcia’s dumb thing in Africa. There aren’t even any coasters in Africa! But Marcia’s always been their favorite, the little goody two shoes. It’s not fair.”

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Brody added in a hysterical wail.

--JCK

You Got to our Website HOW????!?!?!?!?!?

As our loyal reader knows by now, we have a great time checking our stat logs to see how people blundered into actually viewing ARN&R (generally it's because they were searching for something to whack off to, be it naked starlets or Top Thrill Dragster photographs). Amongst the rather standard fare, we found two examples today that were particularly stunning:

-One person located us yesterday by asking Jeeves about "Jessica Alba dissociative disorder," whatever the heck that is. Is this some bizarre new psychological condition? Is it catching? Most importantly, does it involve Jessica Alba parading around in our apartment naked?

-As you may be aware, we're quite popular with people searching for "Paris Hilton crotch" on the internet, but who would have thought we'd manage to get hits from people who want to see Paris Hilton's crotch, but can't even spell her name right. Well, we don't judge people here. All of you people with questionable taste, and even you people with questionable taste who can't spell "Hilton" correctly are welcome here at ARN&R!

--JCK

A Little Hiatus, Maybe

A couple of us are heading off to the nether regions (read: Mississippi and the like), so we may be updating a bit less often. We are certain this will cause much gnashing of teeth, but we assure you: you will get through it.

But hopefully, some IAAPA updates will be coming soon, if our exclusive IAAPA correspondent manages to awaken from the drunken revelry we presume is occurring.

Michael Jackson Spotted at California Amusement Park

Sources exclusive to ARN&R have confirmed a Michael Jackson sighting Wednesday at Pixieland Amusement Park in Concord, CA. According to eyewitnesses, Jackson looked disoriented as he wandered around the Frog Hopper, asking various guests if they knew where he could find someone named Randy.

Park security was notified of Jackson’s presence and stepped in immediately to get the King of Pop away from any small boys. Jackson created a distraction by pulling off his nose, and then escaped.

Our sources think that Jackson confused the Pixieland theme park, a wonderful place for children of all ages, with Pixyland, a website operated by Randy Constan, an adult male who enjoys dressing as Peter Pan.

The California Sheriff’s Office has been notified and the ‘man’ hunt still continues as of press time.

--MMS

ARN&R Editor Incredibly Lame

ARN&R's Editor in Chief and Supreme Naval Commander recently recognized the truth: he's incredibly lame.

The insight came on a business trip to Cincinnati. While paging through the hotel's tourist guide, he came across a sidebar advertising Paramount's Kings Island. Rather than continuing to page through the glossy magazine, perhaps finding a gallery to visit or an historic house to explore, he spent a full minute in alternating shock and amusement in response to the use of a photograph of the suspended coaster Top Gun to advertise the park.

"Ha!" he exclaimed, incredibly lamely. "Those fools! How can they expect to get people to come to the park using a photograph of an Arrow suspended coaster!" Adding to his utter lameness, he continued: "Even Son of Beast would be a better draw -- and Face Off and Racer each have much better visuals for an advertisement!"

He then shook his head with a slight and lame giggle. He did, however, somehow manage to resist making an incredibly lame joke about the photograph to his colleagues in meetings the next day.

Hersheypark to Promote New, Healthy Image for 2004

The Hershey Entertainment Group announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that 2004 will not only be a big season for new attractions, but will be the first year for an entirely new image for Hersheypark.

Citing concerns about the quality of Americans' health, especially those in Central Pennsylvania, a committee of fully trained and highly experienced consultants hired by Hersheypark encouraged park and corporate management to make some drastic changes to the park's environment and image for next season.

"We don't want to be responsible for any bad habits that park guests pick up," said consultant Bob Slidel at the press conference. "Obesity in America is a chronic disease and we want to do our part to prevent it. That is why we are suggesting some big and spectacular changes to management to, hopefully, encourage park guests to slim down and keep healthy habits such as a good diet, hand washing, exercise, and regular bathing." Slidel's final statement resulted in low-level violence by ACErs in attendance, who were easily restrained by security guards.

Some of the changes that Mr. Slidel outlined at the press conference include:

* The name of the park will be changed from HersheyPark to HealthyPark to encourage a healthy lifestyle.

* No chocolate will be sold in the park to anyone over 250 pounds. Weight must be verified at the park entrance and printed on a wrist band that must be worn at all times.

* The Kissing Tower will be renamed the Protected Intercourse tower to promote safe sex and hopefully discourage the nasty, disgusting act known as kissing.

* The Hershey Chocolate World attraction outside the park will be rethemed and reopen as Healthypark Soy World promoting the countless and limitless use of soy and soy byproducts in everyday life. There will also be isoflavones.

* All park guests will be required to wash their hands before, after, and while using the restoom. Armed guards will be posted at each and every restroom exit.

* Gravy will no longer be served in the park except for during coaster enthusiast events. Only guests with valid ACE membership cards will be allowed to purchase gravy during these times.

We here at ARN&R applaud the changes at Hersheypark and we wish them the best of luck in changing the world.

--WCT

ACErs Warned to be on Best Behavior at IAAPA by Club Officials

IAAPA is almost here again, and, unfortunately, random coaster enthusiasts are certain to show up. Wacky hijinks are sure to ensue as the ordinary rabble clashed with Executive Committee members at the ACE booth on the showroom floor! Thank goodness someone is out there to start a rec.roller-coaster thread reminding ACE members to show up wearing something other than a Beast thong, flip-flops, and a coaster shirt with yellow armpit stains. Check out the hot enthusiast bickering action here!

If your sanity can survive a few pages of this stuff, then you too can also learn that Jesus was perfect!

--CSB/JCK/and Introducing Very Special Guest Star MMS as "MMS"

Alton Towers to Debut "Bathtime With Attitude"

In a creative move to remain on the cutting edge of theme park thrills, Alton Towers this week announced the 2004 debut of Bathtime With Attitude, a "new and energetic ride concept thrill excitement attraction thing," according to a park rep who insisted he would urinate upon us if we divulged his actual name.

According to the rep, "the park plans to do a major rehab and retheming of the flume ride, in order to give it that extra something special. It will be more thrilling, and yet will also be more appealing for families. It's a perfect addition, and the theming will be highly immersive."

ARN&R has seen plans for the ride, and can confirm that the theming will indeed be extensive. Aside from the flume vehicles themselves being converted to look like large bathtubs, each will be, in the words of the AT rep, "populated by a surly, obnoxious young child who is being forced to take a bath against his wishes."

"The child will throw an incredible tantrum the instant the bathtubs leave the station," says the rep. "He will angrily splash water on occupants of the vehicle, scream incessantly, and throw his rubber ducky and bars of soap at passengers. No rider will be able to console the grubby urchin as he yells obscenities, kicks and screams while being toweled off, and, from time to time, defecates in the water just to be a filthy brat."

The Alton Towers representative added that most of the candidates to serve as rotten little bathtub brats would be home-schooled, in order to maximize their potential irritating, anti-social behavior.

--JCK

Exclusive IAAPA Coverage Coming Soon

As ARN&R has done for over three centuries, we've got a phalanx of reporters on the ground in Orlando, combing the grounds for exclusive ARN&R breaking news.

We'll keep you updated, of course, but for now, just this one nugget of fun: Sources indicate that there may be a new food product on a stick announced at this year's show.

Dean Receives Non-Endorsement From ACE

According to an official statement from the American Coaster Enthusiasts Saturday, the organization will not be endorsing Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean. The group stopped short of naming the candidate it would actually support in the upcoming election, meaning that the others who are running for office will be aggressively courting ACE and its tremendous and powerful voting block.

"Howard Dean posits himself as a major player in the race for president," said ACE spokesperson Max Liswell. "Unfortunately for Dr. Dean, he has been governor of a state that does not possess, nor ever possessed, any roller coasters of any sort. This sort of neglect of what we as a group find most important is mind-bogglingly stupid. We hereby denounce the campaign of Dr. Dean. Let him scurry back to his maple-encrusted, amusement-parkless state without our vote of confidence."

"Well, what can I say?" said a clearly upset Dean. "This sucks. This sucks donkeys. But we'll continue to carry on our fight, even without these extremely important 8,000 voters, at least a hundred of whom might vote so long as Election Day doesn't coincide with some special down at Old Country Buffet, and their monster influence behind us. We'll just make up for this crushing defeat by reaching out to rednecks who drive pickups smeared with confederate flags. Both groups have lots of pasty white people with mullets who can't read, so it's a pretty similar voting block."

Early reports that ACE plans to offer its endorsement of failed California governor candidate Gary Coleman could not be confirmed.

--JCK

Explicit Video of Twisted Twins Discovered

The coaster community was rocked with the revelation that an explicit videotape of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's racing coaster "Twisted Twins" had been uploaded to the Internet and had been downloaded thousands of times.

The tape, made when the coaster was younger and known as "Twisted Sisters," reportedly features extremely raw footage of both Lola and Stella (the names given to the ride's respective tracks) in various shocking positions with both Thunder Run and Chang. At one point, Thunder Run is heard exclaiming, "Once you've had two tracks, you'll never go back!" The video comes on the heels of a widely-distributed photograph of Lola exiting a stretch pickup truck limo in rural Kentucky; in that photo, her lack of underwear is clearly visible.

Six Flags Inc. had no official comment on either the video or the photograph. Reliable sources in the park chain's Oklahoma headquarters said that executives "weren't mad, just disappointed," and that the emotions at the headquarters had not been so intense since the time Six Flags Over Texas's Mr. Freeze was found in a humiliating position with Batman: The Ride. The legal proceedings from that discovery were ended with the U.S. Supreme Court's decision earlier this year striking down the Texas prohibition on sodomy.

Sellner Introduces Traffic Jam

Spurred on by the excitement that its newly redesigned Tilt-a-Whirl cars have created, veteran ride manufacturer Sellner has taken the concept one step further.

"Many people have been giving us positive feedback," said a Sellner spokesperson, "commenting on how our new cab designs look like bumper cars. That gave us our new idea."

The prototype ride will be called Traffic Jam. It features the new Tilt-a-Whirl cars -- but three times as many compared with a typical ride. The cars are welded onto the ride platform, which itself is welded to the loading ramps. No rotation or motion of any sort is allowed by the design.

"The great thing about this ride is that maintenance issues are completely eliminated. We've taken the bold step of creating an exciting ride that doesn't move at all, just like a real traffic jam! People will be able to relive the thrill of getting to and from the park!"

The excitement will be enhanced by an elaborate sound system underneath the ride platform that will blast automotive noises at up to 150 decibels. "With all the vibrations," the spokesperson said, "people will feel like they're moving!" Completing the experience will be a set of small diesel engines belching fumes around the riders.

"We're using something all park patrons are familiar with and taking it to the next level. This is the next generation of thrills."

Six Flags corporation has already placed orders for 17 of the rides.

--JRD

ACE Nominates Chief Diversity Officer

In an effort to increase minority memberships, the ACE Executive Committee elected Sally Johnson to the position of Chief Diversity Officer. Sally, a coaster enthusiast and active ACE member, is well known for her popularity in the black community. “This is an important day for ACE,” said Carole Sanderson, CEO and High Priestess of the organization. “With Sally’s help, we hope to more accurately reflect the population of our country’s great theme parks.”

Sally came to ACE from Coasterbuzz, where she increased the African American population of members by 200%. “By getting two of my friends to create ID’s at Coasterbuzz.com, I really made a difference in their community,” said Sally in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. “It’s high time that African American coaster enthusiasts stand up and be counted, and I’m here to make sure that they are welcomed by ACE."

Johnson continued: "We are already getting noticed by setting up ACE recruitment booths at what enthusiasts and ACE members refer to as 'urban parks,' like Six Flags Great Adventure or Six Flags America. It is also important that we get actual African-Americans in the club, not white people who like to 'act black' like at Kennywood.”

--MMS

A Man, A Dream, An Itch

For today’s Site O' The Weak, ARN&R salutes Marc Richardson. Marc, a proud ACE member, is raging against the machine by planning Scratch Park, a ‘park built for the people who come to it.’ And Marc's looking for your advice!

All are welcome to send Marc their ideas, even though they will not be paid in any way for their contributions. While these ideas are not -- yet -- posted to the site, ARN&R has obtained some of the insightful suggestions sent in to Marc’s site by his fellow enthusiasts:

• Wider paths, wider seats, wider toilets
• Complimentary Pepsi, sunscreen, and ranch dressing by the gallon (with straws)
• Ride Operator/Cast Members uniforms: Hot Pants and Pasties

Of course, Marc doesn’t have to be alone. Already the Coaster Preservation Organization (“formly Group”) has reached out to him to combine efforts to rescue standing but not operating or otherwise abused coasters and bring them to Scratch Park to live in a free range environment. Representatives of Doug Henning’s estate have donated the land originally slated for Veda Land, on the condition that there be pamphlets on transcendental meditation available in all of the wider bathroom stalls. And finally, the Communist Party has agreed to provide labor to make the park a true “worker’s paradise.”

ARN&R wishes Marc the best of luck in planning the People’s Park!

--MMS

Letter-Writing Campaign Ends in Confused Failure

When the news was released that Dorney Park would be removing its Hercules coaster at the end of this past season, the outcry was tremendous. A massive letter-writing campaign was begun to save Hercules, and Dorney Park management was forced to wade through a daily onslaught of pleas to save it.

Unfortunately, the pleas fell on unsympathetic ears, for those in charge of the campaign were obviously misinformed as to what Hercules they were trying to save.

"Just look at this nonsense," said Dorney rep Charles Abrahams. "We might be concerned if we had gotten wrong our impression that every person who ever set foot on Hercules thought it was a pile of crap. If we'd gotten thousands of begging, fawning letters discussing how people will miss its smooth ride, exciting course, and awesome airtime, maybe we'd feel bad for tearing the thing down. But all these letters are, if I can deduce the actual English beneath the grammatical mistakes, berating us for denying people access to that hunky, oily Kevin Sorbo."

Abrahams added, "how stupid are these people? Do they really not know that our Hercules was a really crummy coaster, and we have nothing to do with mind-numbing trash from New Zealand? And we're more than a bit shocked that anyone would be even concerned about a stupid show like that, no matter how many cheesy sword fights and guest appearances by Bruce Campbell it featured. People, Hercules was cancelled years ago. And so was Xena Warrior Princess. Get a frickin' grip and leave us alone so we can send a wrecking ball through this thing."

--JCK

Welcome!

To those of you -- 117 so far and counting -- who came upon us by searching for "Paris Hilton crotch," we extend our traditional greeting: Welcome! We write satire about roller coaster enthusiasts and the amusement park industry! We are certain this is precisely what you are looking for!

Disneyland, Seeking Hipster Audience, Announces New Wammo Coaster

In a move designed to attract the long-ignored slacker amusement park audience, Disneyland today announced a surprise new attraction for the 2004 season. The ride will be a low-speed non-inverting roller coaster called "The Wammo Coaster: Faster Than the Speed of Suck," and will be themed after the life and loves of Austin, Texas-based performance artist, singer, and poet Wammo.

"We've never really made an effort to go after the crowd of pot-smoking long-hairs who are really into poetry slams and acoustic blues-jazz with occasional country-hip-hop blends thrown in, and now's the time to get them," said Disney spokesman Brian Murdy. "And there's nobody better than Wammo to draw in those crowds!"

Wammo, known both for his solo work (including the album Faster Than the Speed of Suck from which the ride's name was borrowed) and for playing with the Asylum Street Spankers, was said to be pleased with the arrangement.

"I understand they'll be playing Antifreeze in line at some of the kids' rides, and we're talking about setting up a whole themed area at Disney's California Adventure all about my song Beer," said the singer in an exclusive ARN&R interview.

The actual coaster will be built by Vekoma and will feature a new interactive component: Riders will wear specially-designed "beer goggles" designed to make the ride much more attractive and every other person on the ride seem far more attractive.

The singer's smash hit single "Hick Hop" will be played by very small musicians in each coaster train, reflecting the singer's strong preference to avoid what he calls "the demon electricity" in the amplification or creation of music.

Amusement Today Special IAAPA Issue Features Special Groundbreakingly Fawning Coverage, Even More Grammatical and Spelling Errors

Every year, Amusement Today comes out with a very special issue to accompany the yearly convention of the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions ("IAAPA"), and every year AT goes all out to make it a truly special bonus edition.

ARN&R is pleased to report that this year is no exception, with groundbreakingly fawning coverage, even more grammatical and spelling errors than usual (at no extra charge!), and an amazing innovation in journalism -- allowing a company to write a purportedly objective article about itself.

From an editorial that could have been an IAAPA press release ("Everyone in one place, all after the same goals: How to safely grow their business and revenues next year.") to our very favorite pet peeve, the misuse of "its" in that very same editorial ("No matter if its [sic] in a seminar...") and special surprise spelling errors wittily hidden throughout the issue, the issue is a great example of how AT can really make the bonus issue a true bonus.

"We're really very pleased with the issue," said AT's spokesman Geoff Ceibert.

"My personal favorite part is the 'article' written by 'H Design Group' on ideas for designing amusement park websites," he continued. "It's great how we published something purporting to be an actual article when in fact the whole thing is obviously an advertisement for H Design Group -- which coincidentally designs amusement park websites! How much better can you get? It's got it all -- no work for us and an advertisement for them! We're expecting the New York Times to start using the same approach, perhaps having Halliburton write about how the no-bid contracts it received in Iraq were actually totally fair."

Enthusiast Unanimously Mocked by Candidates

Last night's "America Rocks the Vote" Democratic presidential candidate debate provided voters with some key information, as the candidates discussed issues ranging from racism to foreign policy, along with some lighter questions about their personal lives. But one question -- asked by an interloper who grabbed a microphone -- confused every candidate.

"Tell us once and for all," gasped Tod Gormskeninski, long-time ACE member well beyond the debate's 18-to-30-year-old target audience, "The question is key to thousands of coaster enthusiasts across the country, and it's a critical topic in next year's election: Is Superman: the Escape a roller coaster or not?"

While Gormskeninski was carried away by guards, the candidates looked at each other, every one with a confused look. "What the hell was that about?" asked former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, who had answered questions about his computer preference and marijuana use with a straight face. "Was he seriously asking about a roller coaster? Loser."

"Sure is," said Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, previously asked about what he would have done had he been the manager of the Boston Red Sox. "I can't imagine spending one second, much less any serious energy, arguing about whether a particular ride is a roller coaster or not. Who the hell cares? What an idiot."

At that point, all nine candidates joined a chant of "LOSER! LOSER!" while pointing at Gormskeninski, who was vigorously resisting being removed from the hall.

Libertarian candidate and ex-convict Lyndon Larouche issued a statement after the debate stating that Superman: The Escape was indeed a coaster, and that the jackbooted thugs from the IRS who tried to say otherwise should be shot.

Cultural Compentency Test Added To ACE Membership Application

Frustrated by the lack of social mores again demonstrated by ACE members in the last year, club officials have announced the addition of a new "Cultural Competency" test as part of its membership requirement. The test is being formulated now and is expected to go into effect as of January 1, 2004.

New members will be required to take the test prior to their membership being approved, and existing members have one calendar year to attend a testing center and pass the test. ACE Executive Committee members have engineered in a "Grandfather clause" for all current and prior Executive Committee personnel that exempts them from the exam, but all other ACErs must take the test.

In its current form, the test is divided into three parts:

Part One is an extensive questionnaire delving into areas of the prospective member's personal life. Still under review, this section is expected to include a cultural literacy segment, with such questions as "Name an Oscar winning film that did not star Russell Crowe or Leonardo Dicaprio" and "Describe a vacation you took that did not involve coasters." The most challenging aspect of the test is expected to be the "hobby" section, where applicants must demonstrate they have at least one other interest besides coasters. ACE officials warn that there are many "trick" answers that will get you immediately disqualified; woe to the uninformed ACEr who lists "masturbation," "gravy," or "steam trains" as their other hobby.

Part Two is a clothing and grooming quiz. Applicants are requested to bring three items of non-coaster related apparel to the testing location. The items must fit and they must be clean; armpit stains will not be permitted. Testees must also meet minimum standards of personal hygiene.

The third and last segment is expected to be the most difficult; an actual social situation. Those who have made it this far in the testing process enter the social interaction simulator, which is designed to resemble a coaster loading platform. The simulator presents the simple challenge of waiting in line correctly, boarding the coaster without whining about anything or volunteering obscure information such as who tracked the coaster to uninterested tourists, and then exiting without any high-fives, complaints about braking, or the like.

Mobile Testing locations are expected to be set up at many coaster events next year, assuming there are any events next year. Operation Nerd Purge is being financied via private donations from the major theme park chains.

--MBM

Oh, That's Cute, It's a Site All About Coaster Enthusiasts Who Are Also Into Teddy Bears...Oh, Wait.

A word of warning: Before visiting this week's Site O' the Weak, we implore you: mute your computer's speakers. Or you will be subjected to the most annoying MIDI in history, "Baroque Hoedown." You may have already figured out that we have a professional musician among our ranks at AbsolutelyReliableTowers, and he's presently cowering in the corner, ears bleeding, for failing to heed our warning.

Of course, that's not all that awaits you. This is not a site about teddy bear enthusiasts, it's about roller coaster enthusiasts who identify as bears -- that is, "they often have facial or body hair, are friendly and cuddly, and may have (as they say on the ride warning signs) 'large physical proportions.'" (No, this is not just a link to ACE's site. They're not cuddly.) Still confused? Take a look here -- you'll get an idea of what that means. And members get real purty membership cards!

This is actually a pretty well-done site, all in all -- certainly better-designed than a lot of what passes as major coaster sites. We're mostly just pleased to find a site that has a target audience possibly even smaller than ours. So, congratulations, CoasterBears: You're our Site O' the Weak!

Oh, Good God

Celebrate your Halloween hangover in particularly horrifying fashion with this terror-filled discussion at SixFlagsNews.com. We were going to buckle down and write up a nasty story about this stupid thing, but the very sight of it makes us violently, physically ill. Rather than bow before the porcelain god and yawn in technicolor over and over, we're just going to direct you to it so you can deal with it. Go. Taste and enjoy. Now we're going to lie down; just thinking about this forum topic has made our stomachs lurch unappealingly again.

--JCK

ACE Group Mistaken for Scare Actors

A bizarre problem happened last weekend at Lake Compounce, when a group of American Coaster Enthusiasts descended upon the park for a fall event. Although afternoon ERT was carried off with minimal problems, and the waning daylight hours of standard park operation went off without a hitch, difficulties occurred after nightfall.

“We made a tactical error in allowing the ACE members to stick around after ERT,” said park rep Vikki Ulffers. “It didn’t really occur to us just how terrifying the sight of dozens of those people walking through the park would really be. We do employ some scare actors here to help the haunted mood along, but they don’t really mess with small children, and they won’t keep trying to jump at people who have clearly gotten upset. But these coaster enthusiasts just follow random people right into the bathroom, gabbing about airtime and bents and footers…it’s quite terrifying, and they won’t stop.”

Ulffers then began sobbing. “They just…won’t….stop!” she blubbered out, eventually.

Several customers reported problems, as well. “We went into the Haunted Graveyard,” said Mike Carson, 17. “We thought we’d have fun and get scared, and maybe some girls would get freaked out and need ‘the Mikester’ to take their mind off their problems, if you know what I mean.”

Carson continued, “but right in front of us in line were these six coaster people. They were telling people all about their favorite types of bumper cars and buffet items, and then they were demonstrating their Dance Dance Revolution moves for each other. It was horrible. How could Compounce expect to scare anyone with that stupid Graveyard after we already got that horror show for free? Waste of money.”

Even the real scare actors were upset. “Three of us saw these cute chicks who looked sure to be screamers, so we slipped behind them, ready to leap out,” said Daniel Logan, 18. “But then Davie saw these giant red demon monster-beasts oozing toward us. We screamed like little baby girls and ran away, knocking pieces of scenery over and totally ruining that entire section of the haunt. It turned out just to be ACE members in their polyester jackets, but how were we supposed to know a hideous Hell-beast wasn’t coming to crack us in half and suck out our organs?”

Logan noted that, “it was pretty much impossible to have any credibility as a scare actor after running away squealing pathetically in my own haunted house, so I had to retire and look for a new job.”

Said Jeb Seeberg, American Coaster Enthusiasts Assistant Bursar and Extra-Special Undersecretary in Charge of Berating Forum Participants Who Have Different Opinions From Him, Claiming Websites are Inaccurate Without Backing Up Said Statements at All, and Foaming Rabidly at the Mouth, “I demand the immediate execution of anyone who thinks ACE members are scary!”

--JCK

Bachelor’s ERT Wasted

Enthusiasts across the nation shook their heads in amazement last Wednesday as they watched “Bachelor Bob,” star of ABC’s The Bachelor spend exclusive after-hours time in Paramount’s Great America wooing a woman instead of marathon-riding Top Gun.

“What a waste!” proclaimed Jeremy Jungfrau of Palo Alto. “They had PGA all to themselves and wasted that precious ERT on a candlelit dinner? And worse, instead of riding after dinner they talk and make out? Total and complete waste of ERT, man!”

Jungfrau, who admits to experiencing an erection at seeing Paramount’s Great America and, more specifically, the Top Gun roller coaster on prime time television, could not believe that only a few shots were of the rides in the park. “All the shots were just Bob and Mary walking around eating – why anyone would go to a theme park with a chick is beyond me. They always just want to use the bathroom, and never want to ride coasters.”

Jeremy then said that he plans to re-view Robb Alvey’s 2002 coaster video every Wednesday at 9/8central instead of The Bachelor – “At least the chick in Alvey’s videos gets on the rides.”

--MMS

Six Flags Restricts Crack and Heroin to Designated Areas

In a bold and surprising move today, Six Flags, Inc. announced that, beginning with the 2004 park season, all of its properties would restrict the use of crack and heroin to designated areas only. Until this point, park patrons were officially banned from firing up the crack pipes and plunging needles into their arms while actually in line, but the rules have generally not been enforced by the five security guards employed by the entire chain.

“After receiving numerous guest complaints about the pathways being strewn with needles, drug dealers not having the courtesy to at least light up their rocks a reasonable distance from young children, whacked-out patrons using giant Six Flags Gift Shoppe Crack Bongs as bludgeoning devices, and a fog of burning crack pretty much blocking the view of anything more than six feet away, we have made the profound step of restricting drug usage at our amusement venues,” said Six Flags CEO Gary Story. “Beginning in 2004, crack and heroin may be used only within designated ‘Junkie Zones.’”

Story continued on to say that “Six Flags very much welcomes drug users and pushers to its parks, as it always has. We don’t wish to offend this valuable group of customers. However, our new policy will still allow these fine people to get high as a f**king kite, rather than getting those embarrassing withdrawal cramps and sweats, while families who do not approve of crack and heroin will not be exposed to it.”

When asked whether Six Flags was in any way influenced by the Holiday World decision to restrict smoking only to designated areas in its park next season, Story scoffed. Or he might have gagged on some phlegm. We didn’t ask. Anyway, he responded by saying, “Oh good grief, no. First of all, there’s no reason anyone should ever ban cigarettes. Why, everyone knows that the smooth, mellow flavor of an unfiltered Pall Mall coursing through your lungs helps improve digestion and circulation! We’ll naturally still allow smoking everywhere in our parks, particularly in the target eleven-year-olds-in-line demographic. And especially at Six Flags New England.

“And by the way, why would you think we’d copy anything about Holiday World? Lame failures that no one likes or enjoys, like Holiday World, Indiana Beach, and Knoebel’s, really should be taking our lead on how to do a park up right. Sheesh. Sorry, now I really have to go look at that mountain of complaint forms and see how many billions of dollars of debt we racked up today!”

--JCK

State Fair of Texas Cancels "Alternative" Sponsorship

After experimenting with Trojan condoms as the sponsor of Big Tex (renamed "Big Sex" for the fair) in 2003 the State Fair of Texas has opted not to renew the contract for next year.  For this year's event Big Tex was given a 50-foot animatronic penis.  "We thought that it would be a lark," said fair manager Keith Turner.  "Everyone knows that unmarried people in Texas do not have premarital sex, so the idea of advertising condoms was just silly.  Of course, it makes it hard to explain why our abstinence-only sex ed. program has Texas ranked 46 out of 50 states in terms of teen pregnancy rates."

Fair officials were worried that the large, throbbing member of Big Sex damaged its reputation.  The animatronic cowboy's operator, Don Sales, was discouraged.  "People were taking some pretty inappropriate pictures.  I saw one woman pose in front of Tex and pretend that she was holding his" (here he coughed and blushed) "testicles.  That's just not right," he lamented.  He did note that the chocolate-covered banana concession stand located next to the statue did very well.  "I heard they nearly doubled last year's take," said Sales.

Trojan C.F.O. Mark Davis was disappointed that the fair chose not to renew the Big Sex concept for 2004.  "It was a blow to us," he said.  "But, we understand that not everyone is comfortable seeing a 50-foot phallus winking at them from the midway.  In addition, this created some conceptual problems since we wanted to market the female condom at next year's fair."

Rayleen Crawdson of Waco was one of the people offended by Big Tex's protruding peter.  "I seen lots of rude things in my lifetime," Crawdson said as she spat chew on this ARN&R reporter, "but this really bothered me."  She went on to say that as a good Christian woman God told her "what was appropriate," just like "the good Lord tells George Bush what countries are makin' bombs."

Other potential sponsors had hoped to cash in on the "sex fad" in Texas but are now reexamining their marketing options.  "We wanted to make some sort of interactive display that would be housed next to the pottery workshop," said Vivid Video president Steve Simmons.  "Now we are going to have to find a new place to house the 'Oral, Anal & Gangbang Interactive Fun Room.'"

Trojan's Davis has been talking to local strip clubs about moving his robot penis outside their venue.  He said, "I don't understand it.  There are titty bars [Ed. Note: that's the Texas vernacular for strip clubs] all over this town; they seem to run even with the churches.  Yet, put the sex out in the open and everyone has a problem with it.  I just hope that I can sell Big Tex's penis to the Burrowing Beaver or the Red Snapper."

They say everything is bigger in Texas. In this reporter's eyes it is a sad state of affairs that Big Tex will once again be hung like Ken.

-- FMB

Worst. Site. Ever.

We've been giving out our Site O' the Weak honors for a while now, and we haven't made any particular distinction in the level of hideousness between the awful monstrosities we've mocked. However, just because we never came up with an Extra-Special Super Platinum Business Class Ultra-Bling-Bling Site O' the Weak O' the Millennium doesn't mean we shouldn't have for this week's honoree.

Have a gander, if you dare, at the Road Trip Website, an internet destination so stultifyingly, mind-bogglingly wretched as to defy the English language to produce terms capable of describing its dreadfulness.

Okay, once you get to the front page, you'll locate a logo for EPCOT, then there's a picture of EPCOT that appears to be from an actual camera, then some other shot that's blatantly stolen from some Disney promotional materials. And then there's....um...hang on. Uh...well....ah yes. That's it. Yes, folks, the website actually has no content whatsoever. There's nothing else. Although we do applaud the Road Trip page for getting rid of their original front-page scheme, which consisted of exactly one gigantic image stolen lock, stock, and barrel from another coaster site...and nothing else.

--JCK

Put On Your Sunglasses

We got a little distracted there with the ACE fun, and so we forgot to do the Site O' the Weak on Monday. So here's one for the half-week, and it's really only half-lame. It's Lawrie's Carnival and Amusement Park Pages!

If you can manage to block your eyes from the design and color selection horror show, this is probably actually a pretty decent site, if you happen to be looking for information about Finland's amusement parks and carnivals. But...those colors! They burn! They burn!

In any event, thanks, Lawrie! We're glad to know you're a big boy! And we're only slightly creeped out by your interest in watching cheerleader competitions ("There may be literally hundreds of stunning looking girls in mini skirts performing just for you...")!

Editor's Note: We've posted an addendum to the end of the story about the Rollercoaster! story down below. Please take a look.

Six Flags CEO Comments on Financial Condition

Six Flags, Inc. (NYSE: PKS), recently held a press conference providing the financial community with its financial guidance on its likely future performance. ARN&R was, of course, there.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to welcome each and every one one of you to the Six Flags 2003 Financial Guidance Press Conference,” began Chairman and CEO Kieran Burke. “It is with great pleasure that I begin with a review of our past performance.”

“In 2000, in our second full year of operations after Premier Parks acquired Six Flags our net income was a negative $75 million dollars. In 2001, we surpassed those results and lost $85 million dollars. In 2002, our best year yet, we lost an astounding $128 million dollars. The 3 year total of our losses is an impressive $288 million,” Burke concluded to rousing applause.

“Additionally, in 2002, my total compensation was $1.08 million. Our CFO James Dannhauser earned $649,000, and our COO Gary Story earned $727,000. This is a total of $2.025 million in compensation for our top 3 executives in fiscal 2002, and we're hoping to top even that this year. We're looking into some innovative ways to pay our park employees even less; right now, we're considering paying them in potatoes and other inexpensive food products."

“We are all aware that new rides and attractions are an important part of growing our business and eventually making money, to the exclusion of spending money on anything that might actually enhance our guests' visits like cleaning up the human excrement. We spent $334 million in 2000 for new rides and attractions, with $160 million in 2001 and $146 million in 2002 systemwide.”

“Our management team continues to cut operating budgets and raise prices for in-park purchases, admissions, and our favorite, parking fees. This we feel drastically reduces the pleasure of our guests due to closed rides, minimal capacity, severely reduced staffing, and the priceless feeling of being completely robbed. We're especially proud of that."

“Finally, our stock price hit $30 in 2000, $12 in 2001, and the all-time low of $3 in 2002."

“The executive management is very proud or our results. We expect to lose even more money on a systemwide basis this year. We have further cut spending on new rides and attractions. We have slashed budgets to the point where our management at the park level can hardly afford to buy toilet paper for their own offices. Best of all, our guest satisfaction is at an all-time low – even worse when Bally killed people in droves at Six Flags.”

“In closing, I want to say thank you to each and every one of you for your continued support. Wall Street, our Board of Directors hand-picked by me, and our institutional investors have made this all possible. You all have made the three of us filthy rich while we have run a perfectly good company completely into the ground. I am proud to say that I am a graduate of the Harvard School of Law. Lawyers can accomplish anything! Thank you again for making this all possible. On your way out, please be sure to buy some more stock that Mr. Dannhauser is selling at the back door.”

MorganlyVanguardChaseWachoviaFleetSalomon Bank raised their rating on PKS stock immediately after the conference to a “STRONG BUY."

--EJB

Editor's Note: Thanks to all of you who have copied us on your e-mails to ACE. Judging from the responses we've seen, they are still trying to justify calling a hotel a concentration camp rather than giving a straightforward apology and acknowledgement that it was a mistake. Please keep it up, and keep copying us on your notes.

And now, back to the show...

Kennywood and Dollywood Reunite for New Album of Duets

(Nashville, TN) After nearly twenty years apart, the famed parks Kennywood and Dollywood have finally found the time to get together at a Nashville studio to record an album of duets that the pair hopes will capture the same magic as their 1983 smash 'Islands in the Stream.'

"We've just been so busy," said a reflective Kennywood. "I've had to deal with the whole Steel Phantom to Phantom's Revenge transition, and don't get me started on that tragedy on the Whip. That really can take a lot out of a park. By the time I got things on my end in order, Dollywood was busy putting the finishing touches on the Thunderhead deal. It just doesn't leave a park with a whole lot of time to record sappy duets."

Dollywood was unavailable for comment, but ARN&R was able to obatin a list of some possible song titles:

Please Baby, Don't Taer Me Down

Lookin' for a Threesome in all the Wrong Forums

You're the Reason God Made Those Vekomas

Where Were You the Day the Whip Stood Still?

I Gave You all the Gravy in Texas, and that Still Wasn't Enough

The duo is still finalizing arrangements for the recording. Presently they are deciding between Avril Lavigne production team The Matrix and P. Diddy for production duties, and 50 Cent is in negotiations for a guest rap on the album's likely first single, "Number One with a Mullet."

--CSB/MMS

Search the Sarcasm

ARN&R is pleased to announce that after many many months of development and coding, we finally implemented a search function that took about three minutes. Down there on the left on the front page. So you can now find how many times we've mentioned Kentucky (21) or gravy (22). Enjoy!

ACE News Changes Name to “AYCE News”

When the latest issue of the American Coaster Enthusiasts newsletter, ACE News, hit mailboxes this week, subscribers were not tremendously surprised to note that the publication had a new name: “AYCE News.” After maintaining its previous name for numerous issues over twenty-six volumes, the newsletter undergoes a change that editor Mark Davidson says “more accurately represents the true essence of the American Coaster Enthusiasts.”

“AYCE” is a term typically used at buffet restaurants, and is an abbreviation for “All You Can Eat.” It is most appropriately pronounced with a noticeable redneck accent, say experts on horrible American eating habits.

“The ACE Executive Politburo had a meeting where it was decided, with input from the editorial and writing staff at ACE News, that the mission of the newsletter was simply not being accurately put forth by the title, and a new, bold, and more correct moniker would be required,” said ACE President and Commander of the Order of the British Empire Carole Sanderson. “It took minimal debate to conclude that ACE really has very little to do with roller coasters, preservation, exclusive ride time, or any of the things which some people seem to find important. Actually, ACE is primarily about members gorging themselves on huge hunks of freshly killed game and frolicking and gamboling merrily about in virtual swamps of pork gravy," Sanderson stated, while gnawing on a pork chop on a stick.

"And what better issue to change our name for than the September-October 2003 one? No article ever written has better demonstrated our commitment to these lofty goals of ACE eatery than the one on the Preservation Conference held in Colorado.”

Sanderson gave a detailed presentation on the article with the help of statistical analysis provided by analysts from MIT, the contents of which are summarized below:

- Food and eating are mentioned approximately 18 times. Sanderson generously chose not to add the terms “food for thought” and “perish” (which some took to mean “perishable”) to this list, as they technically are not about actually literally cramming dribbling barbecue and gristle into one's vast gullet.

- Roller Coasters are mentioned in eight paragraphs in the article. This includes all references about preservation, ceremonies, ERT on coasters, and discussions of possible future rides. Meanwhile, food, eating, or eateries are referenced in ten different paragraphs. Sanderson admitted that this comparison is not entirely fair, as most of the articles involving food discuss the slurping down of masses of Crisco and vanilla frosting in intricate, lurid, graphic, and, quite frankly, almost pornographic detail, while the coaster references are nearly clinical in the lack of detail.

- An actual roller coaster finally was mentioned in the eighth paragraph of the article, while food appeared in three paragraphs prior to that point.

- Food references include the following sensationalist accounts, quoted directly from the article. This material is gruesome and explicit, and some viewers may wish to avert their eyes:

And we should say right up front, we’ve been eating quite well this year, thank you.

With a complete dinner just a couple of hours away, registration saw a wide range of handy snacks…

Dinner not only fed us well…

ACE…quickly found refreshments…

With taste buds adequately satisfied, it was on to the coasters…

Breakfast items…woke people to the final day of the conference.

The first surprise of lunch was the God-given freedom to ‘schhhhhhhlock’ as much whipped cream on your strawberry shortcake as you desired.

As if it wasn’t the perfect metaphor, the event officially closed with dessert.

And yep, the Cyclone continued to give one last ERT between scoops of ice cream and decadent toppings.

Although ARN&R is a family publication, and therefore disapproves of all this sexually-charged writing about engulfing entire still-writhing live boars in your yawning crevice of a mouth while stiff-arming other park patrons away from the mashed potatoes with gravy and cheese sauce, we certainly have been won over by the Executive Politburo’s presentation of the reasoning behind the switch. ARN&R therefore offers its full support to ACE News henceforth being known as “AYCE News.”

--JCK

Flyer Purists Start an Anti-Tub Humping Campaign

At the annual gathering of tools and hicks known as PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, the flyer purists were out in storm, verbally assaulting and mocking other flyer participants known as ‘tub-humpers.’

When reached for comment from the depths of his mother’s basement, 34-year-old dungeon master and flyer purist Nathan Andrake said, “In recent years there has been an outbreak of this heinous activity. Not only is it unsafe, it also makes the pilots appear to be better than us, and we can not have that in this fast-paced world of flyer riding. This is not how flyers are meant to be enjoyed.” He then rolled his 87 sided die and cast “stupidity ++.”

To those unaware, “Tub Humping” is a way of physically rocking the flyer back and forth, causing for better and more frequent snaps, say experts.

When reached for comment an offender asked “Aren’t they that crappy ‘rock’ band that sang that lame song back in the 90's? ‘I get knocked down but I get up again’...more like ‘I record one song and am never heard of again.’”

When asked for a rebuttal Andrake fired a “Magic Missile.”

--MEC

[Editor's Note: I bet most of you didn't know that the trumpet tune sampled for that Tubthumper song was Jeremiah Clark's Trumpet Voluntary, did you? Now don't say you don't learn anything here at ARN&R.]

Record Challenged

As an addendum to the article below, apparently a challenger has emerged to combat what he refers to as "the blasphemous and totally crap false records of Kirk James and Bill Chipotle." A Filip Le Pankakov wrote in to let us know that he achieved a new outdoor land speed record for getting completely pissed off and hating everyone at an amusement park in considerably quicker fashion than either of the two officially recognized leaders.

Says Le Pankakov, "That's totally bogus. Six minutes is nothing. I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and hated every single person there before I even entered the park. And I continued hating them all during my entire horrible day of overpriced goods, three-hour waits for coasters, incredible heat, and amazingly stupid employees and park visitors. The record should be mine, and it's a farce that it isn't being recognized."

Said S. Mathias Berger III, president of the International Consortium of Getting Pissed Off at Every Single Patron of an Amusement Park and Wanting to Strangle Them All With Your Bare Hands (ICGPOESPAPWSTAWYBH), "we have looked into Mr. Le Pankakov's claims, and unfortunately we did not have any official observers on-site. Without our trained staff being on hand to acknowledge a record-setting performance, we simply cannot accept this as the official record."

When queried by ARN&R, Berger agreed that it was possible for the record to be broken in the manner described by Le Pankakov. "We certainly can't count into the negatives to measure high levels of irritation achived in the parking lot," he said, "but in this case the timers would have begun right as he got through the security gate into the park proper. This could potentially result in a record in the mere seconds."

Berger further noted that the staff of his organization "would never be stupid enough to go to a Six Flags park on a Saturday in July, regardless of whether any records might or might not be broken," and therefore he had no clue why Le Pankakov would have expected any of them to be there to witness his stunning feat.

--JCK